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July 30, 2004
SJB skg N
It's probably just the mood we're in, but this is currently cracking our shit the hell up.
Posted by The Twins at 03:32 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
We're Leto and Roz, and we are reporting for duty
It goes without saying that Blogland today will be overwhelmingly populated by reactions to Kerry's speech last night, so we don't want to beat a dead horsey-looking politician. But we don't mind poking one a little with a stick. So here are a few thoughts, in list form for the short-attention-spanned like ourselves:
1) Thumbs-up to personalized intro songs
There aren't many areas in which we would suggest the Democrats take a tip from the Red Sox, but this is one of them. Each player who comes to bat has chosen his very own walk-to-the-plate anthem, and it's fun to see what people choose-- the convention speakers this week have done the same. After Madeline Albright's "To Be Real" and Nancy Pelosi's "Express Yourself," we couldn't wait to hear what John Kerry would choose. We were really pulling for "Tubthumper," but suppose Springsteen's "No Surrender" was almost as good.
2) We're a little concerned about Vanessa Kerry's role in the future administration
In general she gave a very good, heartwarming speech. But the whole thing was a bit tainted by the opening line "As someone who knows all six-feet four-inches of my father better than anyone..."
Um.
3) Amazing work by the signage brigade
Kerry did a pretty rad job with the whole "America can do better" and "Help is on the way" thing. But the staffers on the floor did an even radder job in handing out signs at just the right times during the speech, so that at one point the camera turned on the crowd and everyone miraculously had these slogans to wave furiously. It's kinda like how two seconds after the clock runs out in the Super Bowl, the winning team is wearing paraphenalia proclaiming them as champs. Media magic.
4) Oh those baby blues
The camera people sure knew the exact right moments (which would be all of them) to focus in on John Edwards' dreamy, dreamy eyeballs. We swear there's Harlequin narration going on over his head at all times. Yummy.
Posted by The Twins at 10:01 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
July 29, 2004
Well I saw Colonel Mustard with the Candlestick in the men's room at Fenway
As should be no shocker, Boston is crawling with celebrities this week, because no one throws better parties than filthy rich liberals. The Boston Globe online is letting people post celebrity sightings, with the disclaimer that none are substantiated but they'll publish them anyway. Most of them seem pretty legit, but the bullshitometer has not been totally silent.
Some of our favorite suspected horsehockey:
Report: Erik Estrada and Chyna (formerly of the WWE) at Coogins Bluff on Wednesday night
By: Hizzle, Boston
Report: Mario Lopez and Dustin Diamond were on a Duck Tour yesterday near Copley Plaza.
By: Matt, South Boston
Report: I just saw Tom Wopat (Luke Duke from The Dukes of Hazzard) and David Soul (Hutch from Starsky & Hutch) coming out of Champions Sports Bar at Copley Place.
By: Pete, Boston
Report: I saw Tony Danza and Luke Perry at the Purple Shamrock Wednesday night.
By: Nick, Boston
Reported: I saw Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, and Emilio Estevez at LA Sports Club this morning.
by: Matt, South Boston
Reported: I saw Hulk Hogan with Roger Clinton at Sonsie.
by: Ryan, North End
Reported: Saw Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Puma store on Newbury St. buying new shoes for everyone in his group.
by: Mike, South Boston
Reported: I saw Steven Seagal and Ralph Macchio at Strega in the North End.
by: Tim, Newton
Report: I saw Jodie Sweetin, 'Steph Tanner' on TV's full house, leaving Pizzeria Uno's on Boylston St. around 1:30 on Monday afternoon. She got into a Ford Focus and took off.
By: Dylan, Maynard
Posted by The Twins at 04:02 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
A series of one-acts
Girl-E's friend: I had a dream about you last night.
Girl-E: Oh yeah, what about?
F: You worked at a lumberyard.
E: What was I doing there?
F: You were the music director.
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We were hoping to give you all a riveting account of Girl-E's experience volunteering for the DNC this week, but it turns out her exciting assignment at the Aquarium was mindnumbingly dull. She sat at a table in front of the Aquarium staring at her fingernails while no more than about 3.5 tourists in her entire 12 hours asked any questions whatsoever. And she did that with four other volunteers on each shift. There was some excitement when the Congressional Black Caucus had mis-printed a party invitation which incorrectly sent guests to the Aquarium dock instead of Rowes Wharf, causing much panic and running in heels, but that was about it. She did however save a little old Asian woman from taking the long subway ride out to Wonderland, which the woman assumed was a fun amusement park but which is actually a dog track. So she did her part for democracy, or something.
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Have you ever had a day where you realize you've gone to two CVSes and a Walgreen's and ended up with at least one new long-last lipstick from each? No?
*******************************************
When Girl-E tells people she's a speechwriter, they often think it sounds glamorous. It is actually about as glamorous as long-last lipsticks from Walgreen's. Anyone know of any open lumberyard music director positions?
*******************************************
Next Tuesday is Reverend Pete's last day as karaoke host before he moves to NY. For his last two shows, he recruited the Nickel and Dime Band (aka Are you there God it's me Wesley Snipes, aka Tommy Tattletale and the Centre Street Shakedown) for live band karaoke. We can't really describe this experience except to say that until you have heard a band successfully improvise AC/DC as country, you have not fully lived.
Posted by The Twins at 10:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 26, 2004
Attention K-mart shoppers:
We are now having a Blue Light Special on handy-vacs in aisle 16, 5-subject spiral-bound notebooks in aisle 4, Lean Mean Lo-Fat Grilling Machines in aisle 11, and oh yeah speaking of aisles CONGRATULATIONS TO GIRL-C AND DQ WHO JUST GOT ENGAGED!! Yee-haw! This is one wedding we will most certainly not be bitching about for any reason whatsoever.
And to make sure there is no confusion based on the title of this post, please note that they will not be registered at K-mart but at this place and this place and also here.
Posted by The Twins at 04:37 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
too. early.
dragged ass out of bed for six am shift sitting in volunteer lounge at convention center eating donuts don't actually have to be at aquarium until 7:30 lousy bastard tricksters at least there's couches in here still with their pricetags donated by bernie and phyl's or some such dumbass husband-wife crap furniture store with assbag commercials oh time for another donut yo.
fuck.
Posted by The Twins at 07:02 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 22, 2004
You know what mama said about looking gift donkeys in the mouth
Apparently, the people who give a flying crap about these things are scoffing at the contents of the gift bags being given to delegates at the Democratic National Convention this weekend. These discriminating folks are exclaiming that, after all the "Celebrate Boston 2004" committee's hoopla about shaking up Boston's cranky ol' image, everyone will be disappointed with a gift of razors, craisins, and Kraft macaroni and cheese shaped like donkeys.
All we have to say to these ladies and gentlemen is PEOPLE: FREE KRAFT DINNER. Shaped like DONKEYS.
If we could handpick the contents of our all-time dream goody bag, you bet your ass it would have craisins and Donkey Kraft. And sure, everyone can always use a few extra razors. But HELLO?? You're cranky about DONKEY KRAFT?? Did someone drop you on your head? You should be so lucky as to get the BEST PROCESSED FOOD PRODUCT ON EARTH for FREE, let alone shaped like DONKEYS.
Listen, if you don't want your delicious cheesy donkeys, we'll have them. Seriously, if you don't appreciate the bounty you have been so generously given, you don't deserve them. You know, there are a lot of starving kids living in urban blight who would be more than thrilled to eat your donkeys. Aren't you supposed to be *Democrats*? We can see some asshole Republican dismissing elephant mac 'n' cheese as bourgeois, but good god, be proud of your Donkey Mac, for reals. Think of what you could do with your donkeys and some frozen peas. What else are you going to do with that last can of tuna? It's KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE, people. Shaped like DONKEYS. Given to you from the bottom of Terry McAuliffe's heart. And you think it lacks pizzaz.
Really sad. Michael Dukakis will be so disappointed in you.
Posted by The Twins at 10:52 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
July 20, 2004
IF IT WEREN'T SERIOUS THEY WOULDN'T USE THE CAPITAL LETTERS
We thought there was nothing funnier than the fact that Girl-E inexplicably got on the American Pork Federation e-mail list, from which she gets quarterly newsletters and a yearly opportunity to vote for her favorite pork product. But her inclusion on this e-mail list is way, way funnier (#3 is our especially special favorite; and also, #4 is completely false. But you knew that.):
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From: Christian Family Coalition
The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, the nation’s most radical homosexual group HAS RECEIVED A $100,000 matching grant to LEGALIZE homosexual “marriage” in America from a “gay family”!
This “gay family” are Tom Bombardier and John Fowler TWO MEN who claim they have been together eight years and have somehow “adopted” two children, ages 22 and 24 months!
My friend, it is time to WAKE UP, the SURVIVAL OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!
WE CAN AND MUST WIN THE BATTLE TO PROTECT MARRIAGE!
IF WE DON’T, AMERICA WILL NOT SURVIVE BECAUSE:
1. Homosexual adoption will be instantly legalized and generations of children will be raised in unnatural environments - deprived of a mother and a father.
2. Schools will teach your children that two men “marrying” each other is the same as one man and one woman, marrying each other!
3. Young boys and girls will be taught how to perform “safe sodomy” on each other in sex education classes.
4. YOUR CHURCH will have to abandon Scripture and “marry” homosexuals or lose their tax exempt status or worse yet - BE SHUT DOWN if they refuse to marry two men or two women!
TWO HOMOSEXUAL MEN donated $100,000 to LEGALIZE HOMOSEXUAL “MARRIAGE”!
We NEED EVERYONE TOGETHER, TO DONATE $100,000 to SAVE MARRIAGE!
The Christian Family Coalition, has fought and WON against the RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA, whether it’s special rights or homosexual indoctrination of kindergarten children!
PLEASE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW,
We ARE challenging YOU and thousands of Christians, just like you, TO MATCH DOLLAR FOR DOLLAR, this $100,000 assault on our families!
If homosexual extremists can DONATE $100,000 for a LIE!,
Then Christians across AMERICA can also donate $100,000 for the TRUTH - that MARRIAGE =ONE MAN + ONE WOMAN!
We only NEED 4,000 Christians, JUST LIKE YOU, to donate $25 each, we will reach our $100,000 GOAL!
WE KNOW THERE ARE AT LEAST 4,000 Christians, JUST LIKE YOU, who can donate at least $25!
Please, dig deep into your pockets, and make your EMERGENCY DONATION right now,
DON’T ALLOW any more time pass, WE MUST PROTECT AND DEFEND MARRIAGE IN AMERICA TODAY, RIGHT NOW!
WE CAN AND WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!
After you make your EMERGENCY DONATION, PLEASE pass on this alert to EVERYONE on YOUR E-MAIL LIST AND ASK THEM TO ALSO MAKE AN EMERGENCY DONATION
We are waiting on your EMERGENCY CONTRIBUTION TODAY!
The very survival of our nation is at stake!
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Yeah, and so is our lunch.
Posted by The Twins at 02:25 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack
July 19, 2004
Yo, ho, ho, ho
You'd be sorely mistaken to call Girl-E "conventional". Oh no, she is nothing if not "quirky," "edgy," and "alternative"... about illness. The girl has never had an affliction in her life that didn't have some element of the ridiculous. Like the mysterious welts all over her body that made her pass out in 10th grade. Or the fact that her everyday nasal allergy medication perforated her septum, requiring surgery. Or the thing where her forearms and hands inexplicably spasm and lose all feeling. So it comes as no surprise that for the past year or so, every common illness she has contracted lasts for several days longer than it should, because just as she is recovering, the nasty little bugs retreat in fear to her inner ear and give her vertigo.
On Thursday night she came down with an exasperating but perfectly common head cold. It started to clear up on Saturday, but was quickly replaced with a feeling that she is in the hold of a ship sailing the high seas. She is running into things left and right, and we fear she will soon run out of appropriate deckwear. Her dreams are dominated by iceburgs and pirate attacks. And that one where she was narrowly defeated in the America's Cup. She won't admit it, but we know that every time she wobbles into the kitchen she hopes there will be a buffet.
Anyway, right now she is good for nothing besides sleeping and deciphering morse code. So if you need her, life vests are in the compartment under the TV.
Posted by The Twins at 01:06 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 15, 2004
Morning, little fishies
So Girl-E just got her volunteer assignments for the Democratic National Convention. Four days at the New England Aquarium (yay!!), three of them from 6-10am (boooOOOO. OO.).
Her little nasty secret is that she is a hardcore aquarium junkie*. She makes vacation decisions based on the world-renowned...edness of the city's aquarium. Monterey, Seattle, Vancouver, MONACO forcrissakes, she's seen 'em all. Except Camden, New Jersey. Hasn't checked that one off the list. She is particularly smitten with the leafy seadragons. Is there anything in this world more fucked up and wildly cool? No. Anyway, the New England Aquarium has the seadragons, and has just kicked off an Amazing Jellies exhibit, so really she could not have been given a more bitchin' assignment. Plus if the terrorists blow up the convention they surely will go for the Fleet Center where the politicians are, and not hurt the fishies.
But SIX IN THE MORNING?!?! You know, she did have to fill in a little form with the time slots she could do, and we can't imagine she checked off 6-10am under any circumstances. Unless of course she was filling out the form between 6-10am, since she can't be held responsible for shit during those hours.
So if you are in Boston during the DNC, and you feel like hanging out with the octopi in the wee hours of the morn, stop by and say hi. But do not ask the blonde girl for assistance unless you want to end up wandering onto the stage during the sea lion show when all you wanted was the drinking fountain.
*Unlike her friend DQ, however, aquariums do not make her hungry.
Posted by The Twins at 02:28 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 14, 2004
Oh, that's rich
"I would argue that the future of our country hangs in the balance because the future of marriage hangs in the balance. Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?"
-- Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), after the Senate voted down an amendment to the U.S. Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman
Of course, we all know what his real contribution to American life has been.
Posted by The Twins at 01:52 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 13, 2004
Happy Bastille Day Eve
In case you are unsure how to properly celebrate*, this is a day on which it is generally the custom to dress inadequately for the humid rain, chew off all your fingernails, forego all cosmetics out of laziness in spite of that blemish, circle back for a second free granola bar from the Christian fellowship people standing by the subway, pillage petit fors from the lunch meeting you had nothing to do with, curse and stare at your chewed up nails which make your hands look like a five-year-old's, cancel your weekly activity in favor of staying in for chicken sausages and vodka, go out for a sandwich and come back with new underwear, and apologize constantly. Have a good one.
*And if you're very traditional, blatantly disregard split infinitives.
Posted by The Twins at 03:13 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
July 12, 2004
Dear Rachel,
We are embarrassed. Really, there is no excuse for that kind of behavior, and at your wedding and everything. We realize that you were otherwise occupied and are currently blissfully ignorant of all that was going on under the tent, but that will change when you develop the table cameras. Although you may begin to suspect something when you find the one that's singed around the edges and covered with lipstick kisses. We are fresh out of excuses for Girl-E and her companions-- they weren't even that drunk. But rest assured they will have a talking-to.
In retrospect, though, you probably could have prevented it. The centerpieces were indeed lovely, but you may possibly have wanted to think twice about the floating votives. It really should go without saying that open flame + wedding guests = security threat. Just keep in mind that you will probably be able to laugh ten years from now when you look at the pictures they took of the things they burned.
The square mirror under the centerpiece was also a risk-- heavy, sharp-edged, breakable? However, the photo of the water pitcher being emptied upon it was beautiful in a way, and hopefully one day you will come to appreciate its artistic genius. The damage to Girl-E's shoes was a small price to pay.
Now that we think about it, you are entirely responsible. How could they not have made such use of the tools you so carelessly put at their disposal? Sure, you had no control over the guy who paced back and forth across the lawn while talking on his cell phone for the first half hour of your reception, and then whipped out his Blackberry for the next 15, and then left. Some people are just assholes, there's nothing you can do. But the arson, that was entirely avoidable. Consider yourself lucky that no one lost any hair or expensive clothing. You were one beer-poured-on-the-candles-for-shits-and-giggles away from a lawsuit, girlfriend.
All our love and congratulations,
Leto & Roz
Posted by The Twins at 09:48 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 09, 2004
You're shitting me.
No, we're not. Girl-E does, naturally, have a wedding to go to this weekend, but it is ACTUALLY IN BOSTON. We were convinced that they must have outlawed weddings here (except gay ones), since of the six she has been to in the past three months, none have required less than a long-distance flight or long Amtrak ride or both. Of course she's singing in this one so has to go to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tonight and be there three hours early tomorrow.
And another friend got engaged on Saturday. Love is a wonderful thing, really, but she should really get a free toaster or something.
Posted by The Twins at 11:53 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 08, 2004
The Forbidden Blog is Boo
We assume it escaped none of you that one of the most dumbfounding elements of The Forbidden Dance Is Lambada is the title itself.
No, we are not finished with this Lambada thing already.
Anyway, what for that syntax, yo? Clearly, Lambada, the Forbidden Dance, or even The Forbidden Dance: Lambada makes shitloads more sense.
But the Lambada is not about sense. It is about raw animal passion. And making a statement. And no one can argue that The Forbidden Dance Is Lambada is not a statement. So, being the bursting font of whimsical ideas that she is, Girl-C suggested that we might inform and tantalize the masses by shedding a definitive light on what else is forbidden. We suggest you write these down, lest something end up on your permanent record.
The forbidden fruit is banana.
The forbidden dish is risotto.
The forbidden car is Miata.
The forbidden song is "Brown Eyed Girl".
The forbidden adverb is "blythely".
The forbidden ice cream is pistachio.
The forbidden key is E-flat.
The forbidden channel is Univision.
The forbidden team is Utah Jazz and/or San Jose Sharks.
The forbidden pop star is Brandy.
The forbidden party is Reform.
The forbidden fictional gay man is James from Team Rocket.
The forbidden move is scissors.
The forbidden pattern is chevron.
The forbidden emotion is malaise.
The forbidden seasoning is cardamom.
The forbidden pastry is bear claw.
The forbidden puppet is Ernie.
The forbidden movie is The Forbidden Dance Is Lambada.
Please let us know if we have missed any categories, our readers' reputations hang in the balance.
Posted by The Twins at 10:53 AM | Comments (11) | TrackBack
July 06, 2004
And so, their asses were boycotted
Learning disabilities present a significant challenge to many students and therefore educators. Recent estimates indicate that 15 percent of all Americans have some form of learning disability, for which various therapies and individual study plans are necessary to reach learning potential. Besides having troubling symptoms of clinical procrastination, Girl-E has never been diagnosed with an LD, and has generally been considered rather teachable. However, it has come to our attention that perhaps she has fallen through the cracks, that she does infact have a learning disorder that was not discovered in time for adequate treatment. We believe that this is the only explanation for the fact that after the Lambada fiasco of a few weeks ago, which should have provided a lasting and hard-learned lesson, she actually believed that this weekend it would be amusing to watch that movie's fellow 1990 production and rival, The Forbidden Dance Is Lambada.
Let it be known the world over that all cinematic crimes committed by Lambada are mere child's play compared to those of The Forbidden Dance Is Lambada. We are actually having fond memories of Blade and Shabba Doo, as we endure thoughts of the marring and unbearable nonsense of Nisa and Jason. Apparently, the two movies were respectively made by two brothers who had been working on films together (i.e., Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo) but then had a feud right before beginning work on a Lambada-related project-- the result is that they split up and each made their own craptastic tour de farce chronicling the incredibly social equalizing powers of the world's smuttiest dance.
So, to test your engagement in social activism and world affairs, we challenge you to the following edition of the Foreign Service Exam based on "plot" elements of The Forbidden Dance is Lambada:
1) Protagonist Nisa is:
a. an Amazonian jungle princess
b. a skilled practioner of the noble and ancient dance known as Lambada
c. about as Brazilian looking as Uma Thurman
d. all of the above
2) When the U.S.-based Petramco Corporation starts burning her tribe's rainforest, Nisa:
a. goes to their headquarters in L.A. to have a conversation with the chairman (pronounced "Chair-man")
b. brings her tribe's witch doctor to cause injury and mayhem to those who stand in her way
c. becomes a maid for a snotty, bigotted Beverly Hills family while she plots her strategy
d. all of the above
3) The family's hedonistic and pretty son Jason:
a. goes out dancing all night every night
b. wears Cavaricci pants
c. sees Nisa doing the Lambada with herself in her bedroom, because that's what Brazilians do when they're alone, and invites her out dancing in his mother's dress because his girlfriend Ashley cancels on him
d. all of the above
4) All of Jason's friends and family:
a. are blonde
b. are flaming bigots
c. refer to Nisa using terms such as "wetback" and "beaner" immediately upon meeting her, even though she looks like she just stepped off the set of "Just Shoot Me"
d. all of the above
5) When Jason's parents become furious that he has taken "the hired help" dancing, Nisa:
a. runs out of the house 5 minutes later never to return
b. takes a job as a "dancer" at a "night club" called Xtasy to earn money... for her tribe
c. becomes the belle of the brothel, particularly after Mickey, the conniving madame, learns Nisa is Brazilian, because "all Brazilians can dance"
d. all of the above
6) After Jason learns of Nisa's whereabouts from Ashley, who is fiendishly delighted, Jason:
a. goes to Nisa and rescues her from Mickey, who has threatened to call the INS if her moneymaking "Queen of the Jungle" leaves
b. asks his parents to help Nisa's tribe, and upon their refusal flies into a tirade about ignorance and bigotry and the plight of the rainforest and witch doctors
c. asks Nisa to be his Lambada partner to audition for the Kid Creole and the Coconuts show, which will put them on national TV where they can expose Petramco, and leads to a sequence of Dirty Dancing-esque "rehearsal scenes" complete with various colorful costumes, bloopers, and kissing
d. all of the above
7) Nisa's trusted friend and fellow domestic worker Carmen:
a. gives them money for the witch doctor's plane ticket back to Brazil to report to the tribe on Nisa's progress
b. does the lambada and has sex with the witch doctor on the couch, turning her ceramic Virgin Mary to face the wall
c. holds a condom right up to the camera and then slips it under Jason and Nisa's bedroom door
d. all of the above
8) Furious from rejection, Ashley:
a. teams up with a Petramco executive to foil Nisa and Jason's plan
b. choreographs a hot non-Lambada dance number for the audtion with her new partner in matching gold and black outfits
c. gets a perm
d. all of the above
9) After Jason and Nisa win the competition:
a. Nisa is kidnapped by the Petramco executive and forced to give him a private Lambada show
b. Jason injures his ankle in the process of rescuing Nisa while the Petramco exec watches and throws down his cowboy hat in annoyance for some reason has no gun or guards or anything to stop them
c. Jason is unable to dance until the witch doctor arrives at the studio with Nisa's father, in full Indian garb and headdress, and has a snake bite Jason to heal his ankle, which naturally is effective
d. all of the above
10) After Jason and Nisa's smoking hot Lambada number on national television:
a. Nisa tells Kid Creole and the millions at home that she is an Amazonian princess who must return to her home before it's too late.
b. Kid Creole wonders aloud what she means, and is shocked and horrified to learn of Petramco's antics in the rainforest
c. Exclaims "well hell, let's boycott their asses!", which is the last line of the movie.
d. all of the above
The person with the most correct answers will win a free order of fried plantains. Good luck.
Posted by The Twins at 12:23 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 02, 2004
This post is not about Fahrenheit 9/11
Because all of Girl-E's attempts to see it have thusfar been foiled by flood, pestilence, and ticket overselling. But between media reviews and our many friends who have weighed in, we're pretty sure we could reconstruct it scene-by-scene. However, we're hoping she'll see it anyway, because all the revenue from ticket sales is going to the poor. Right?
Anyway, all we really have a mind to write about is Fahrenheit 7/4, or rather Fahrenheit 78, which is the predicted high for Sunday. Although actually not really... since she doesn't really have plans yet. Hmm. Well, ok, so. Let's take another look at our list:
Possible blog topics for Friday
1) Fahrenheit 9/11
2) Fourth of July
3) Skanky tenniswear at Wimbledon this year (?)
4) The Massachusetts budget surplus (??)
5) The Olsen twins' new diet book for young girls
6) ?
Alright, well then, that seems to be about it for today. Oh, if you want to laugh till you piss, listen to this.
Posted by The Twins at 10:44 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 01, 2004
Dear valued MBTA customers,
We are writing to inform you that as of 1 July 2004, the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority is establishing a new category of transportation pass called the P-10. This pass will be issued in light of community concerns that some customers do not have the faculties needed to use our services safely and effectively before the hour of 10:00am. Your safety and comfort is our number-one priority here at the T, and a policy is in place to ensure that only those who are mentally and physically alert during the morning hours will have access to the P-10 pass.
All MBTA customers who wish to obtain a P-10 pass must come to one of our area administrative offices between the hours of 9:30am-3pm M-F (office closed between 12-1) to take a short exam demonstrating their understanding of the following information. The use of this letter or other study aids will not be permitted. We are confident that those passengers with competency in this knowledge base will pose no hazard or embarrassment to the greater Boston community.
1) While not available in all metro-Boston neighborhoods, the subway (red, green, blue and orange lines) is the fastest and most efficient service of the T. If after, for example, 6+ years of experience with its use, you know unequivocally that the subway will take you directly from where you are to where you want to be, we strongly advise its use over all other modes of transportation.
2) If, after running a morning errand, you are standing within steps of your intended subway station entry point, and an MBTA bus stops at the street corner in front of you, it is not advisable to board. This is true even if the bus's marquee indicates your intended destination. See #1.
3) If you do happen to board the bus, ALWAYS ask the driver whether the bus is, in fact, going to your intended destination. There is an occasional possibility of marquee malfunction, and verbal confirmation is recommended. This is particularly true if after, for example, 6+ years of T riding, you have never known a bus route to go from where you are to where you are going.
4) In the case of marquee malfunction, MBTA bus operators are required to announce the bus number and final destination at each stop. When the driver makes this announcement at the stop just after you have boarded, and the announced destination is nowhere near where you want to go, disembark immediately.
5) If you are unsure as to whether you should disembark, ask the driver directly where the bus is in fact going. Remaining in your seat in silent confusion is not suggested.
6) Be sure to stay informed of all planned MBTA renovations and closures, which are prominently displayed for the public at all MBTA stations. Even if the actual final destination of the bus did at one point connect with a subway line, that line may be closed and replaced with shuttle buses. Also note that the route of these shuttle buses may have a terminus that does not correspond to your desired transfer point.
7) It may be advisable to disembark from the shuttle bus before its terminus, as you may be able to walk more quickly to another subway station from a point along the shuttle route. If you do this, be sure that your walking route to the subway does not take you through unpaved construction zones and industrial parks.
8) If it is now 5 minutes before your work start time, and you are not dressed in appropriate attire because you originally built in plenty of time to return home to change, do not stop for an iced coffee.
9) When you call the office to tell them you will be late, do not reveal the actual details of why this is the case. Do not furthermore indicate that you are not to be trusted with anything, ever, before 10:00am.
Please review the above information several times before visiting the MBTA office to obtain your P-10 pass. We do apologize for the inconvenience, but we know that the P-10 pass will make your commute safer and more pleasant.
Thank you for your cooperation, and thank you for riding the T.
Posted by The Twins at 11:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack