« July 2004 | Main | September 2004 »

August 31, 2004

As predicted

WTF&:FSLID&*^TUIOJKLI(^&(&&^*(*&!!!!!! FFFUUUCCCKK!!!! Ow.

Posted by The Twins at 12:00 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 29, 2004

Don't even think about it, Billy Joel

OMG we are SOOO excited!!! The next 72 hours are going to be SO RAD. Know why?? Cuz we get to move!! Moving is SO AWESOME!

Yeah fuck that shit. Just from packing Girl-E already has seven bruises, a crushed knuckle, and a mysteriously absent patch of hair. She hasn't even touched a piece of furniture yet, which is bound to cause some degree of internal bleeding or shingles, and we are clearly in deep shit. The best part is that she could not be facing a more fiercely hideous September 1st Domino phenomenon. You know, where A can't move until B moves out, but B can't leave because C's still in his place, and C is stuck because D's roommate isn't back from vacation, and therefore E is either going to have to sleep in her 66 quart Sterlite latch box or spend two nights sharing a twin bed with the dude subletting from Kansas.

Anyway, seeing as we will be transients for the next few days, we don't know how much we'll be able to post, and even if we do it will probably just be something like "WTF&:FSLID&*^TUIOJKLI(^&(&&^*(*&!!!!!! FFFUUUCCCKK!!!! Ow." But feel free to leave a comment or some band aids or a casserole.

*THIS JUST IN*
More reasons to cherish the eBay job: the discovery of an ad for this. There need to be more rich, pure-made, invigorating beef drinks.

Posted by The Twins at 10:39 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

August 26, 2004

Math is NOT hard

Rock on, M.I.T. ROCK ON.

(thanks to B for the heads-up)

Posted by The Twins at 12:02 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 25, 2004

Check back next week, maybe she can squeeze you in

Dear {Girl-E's Employer},

Thank you for your interest in Girl-E's services. While she would be very pleased to work with you, she unfortunately has a full schedule of other commitments, and is unable to meet your needs at this time. Her limited time is in high demand this week for activities such as packing, moving, organizing her finances, supporting friends in their solo music careers, looking for a decent Chinese restaurant, and completing freelance assignments unrelated to her responsibilities with your institution.

We can assure you, however, that should you need her input on an important matter, she is fully accessible 8 hours a day. You can find her M-F, 9am to 5pm, at her desk using your technology, supplies, and salaried time to carry out and/or plan for the above activities.

If you would like us to contact you in the event of a cancellation or unanticipated opening, please leave a message below.

Sincerely,
Leto & Roz
Assistants to Ms. E

Posted by The Twins at 12:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 23, 2004

They do love their hyphens

As you may recall us mentioning recently, Girl-E has just started writing eBay auction ads for a dealer of antique magazines/newspapers/journals. Her boss warned her that the journals are tempting to read, and it's great if she finds them interesting, but taking too much time reading them will add countless hours to her work. And she tried her damndest to avoid this trap while working on the first batch this past week, but the inarguable truth is that Americans in the 1880s were just knee-slappin' hilarious.

In the twenty-issue batch of this particular publication, highly respected by the well-educated and well-off, one can find such gems as:

"Do Cabbages Have Brains?"

A prominent professor's discovery that the Pyramids were weathered into their shapes, the appearance of brickwork caused by layers of sediment.

A gentleman's alarm at the generally disgusting and ignorant state of the 'masses of the people,' and an encouragement to his fellow readers to try to reform them through kindliness and patience.

A member of the Princeton Glee Club's uncanny ability to sing a 'darkie' song with remarkable accuracy in dialect, for which he earned much praise.

A progressive piece asserting that perhaps the Indians are not 'vermin to be exterminated'.

Countless jokes at the expense of Oscar Wilde.

Advertisements for:
-Dr. Scott's Electric Corset, Electric Girdle, Electric Hair Brush, Electric Sock Garters
-A home decoration known as the 'Darkie Cabbage', in which a shining darkie face peers out through something shaped like a cabbage (???)
-Adams & Westlake’s Non-Explosive Oil Stove
-The Anti-Stylograph
-Sweet Bouquet Cigarettes
-Cuticura cure for skin and blood disease

Of course there were also serial novels by Trollope, Collins, Hardy, and other Victorian contemporaries for whom Girl-E would normally be batty, but who has time when there's the 'Woman Question' to worry about?

Posted by The Twins at 01:43 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

August 20, 2004

Shouts out

To NIKITA!! For taking Girl-E under the wing of gossip over coffee, MST 3K, Coke in frosty glasses, a tiara-wearing dominatrix, and fevered anticipation of the imminent Presidential Debate/Karaoke Revolution, Vol. 2 party.

To BIORE!! For giving Girl-E $125 in cash this morning for sharing her valuable opinions on their shine-control moisturizer.

To DIAL-A-PIZZA!! For delivering until midnight on weekends and defining weekends to include Thursday.

To DR. CLAW!! For offering speedy, no-cost solutions to Girl-E's furniture crisis and tolerating unwarranted bitchiness.

To YOU!! For just being whoever the hell you are.

Posted by The Twins at 02:28 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 19, 2004

Kilter

Today's a day that's a little bit off. Girl-E has off days for no reason whatsoever all the time, but today there is a reason-- some of you know what it is, but we won't go into it here. Her vision's a little blurry, her joints ache a bit, the water in her Nalgene tastes sorta funny, she's making more typos than usual. Just... off.

But off is ok, it's tolerable. Afterall, dates are only markers in time, they're not what's real, what's lived every day. There's a reason history classes have shifted from timelines to analysis and interpretation. A marker in time may arouse attention, but things are what they are. And something that asks for attention to the bad also brings attention to the good, by definition. So let a marker have its range of meanings and memories, accept its offness, but don't give it too much power, because the next day you move forward.

Posted by The Twins at 11:57 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 18, 2004

Multiple Intelligenceses

An odd thing just happened to Girl-E-- as she was walking back from lunch, she perceived someone falling into step with her and looked over to see a smiling Howard Gardner*, who not only said hi but knew her name (well, he was off by a consonant, but whatever). He then apologized that he had to run off to an appointment, and then, well, ran off. Sure she's briefly met him any number of times, but he is not exactly the kind of person who has the time or inclination to remember anyone's name but his own let alone give a wassup to someone who didn't see him first**. He must be having a super good and/or less than obscenely brilliant day.

*If you're not nerdly enough to know who Howard Gardner is, you can disregard this message seeing as if you don't know who he is already you certainly won't be impressed when you find out.

**Hopefully he doesn't spend the rest of his free time Googling himself***.

***Not that it matters cuz this would be on page 64,782

Posted by The Twins at 02:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Humpty Day

Excuse us as we take a moment to say "hot DAMN it's a gorgeous day!". Thank you.

Also, if you're feeling sluggish and stagnant and disorganized, here's a remedy that seemed to work well for Girl-E yesterday:

1) Force exercise
2) Make peanut butter and banana - raspberry ice cream - frozen blueberry quesadillas (sin queso, claro) for dinner.

That's all we got right now. It's a pretty Wednesday and we have less than zero attention span. Kisses.

Posted by The Twins at 10:54 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

August 17, 2004

Zipadeedooda

Remember the late '90s, when there was that big internet boom, and everyone and their sister worked for a start-up that was going to change the world, and you could get anything in the whole world you could ever want online, and then everything went up in smoke and none of your friends had jobs? Ah, those were the days.

Anyway, we all know how sad we were when kozmo.com and bigwords.com and all those other cool things went under. But one crazy-ass web-based service was so ridiculous and yet so brilliantly executed that it rocks the cold booty to this day. Currently lacking in wheels, Girl-E joined ZipCar last week and took her first spin on Saturday. And in all honesty, we fear this shit could get seriously addictive.

In case you don't live in Boston, DC, or New York, or live in a hole somewhere, ZipCar is a "wheels when you want them" service where you can go online and reserve a snappy little car that happens to be parked right near your house and drive it whenever and whereever you want for $8.50 an hour, including gas and insurance. They used to all be lime green with a giant ZipCar ad on the side which was like so embarrassing, but now they've changed their fleet to silver with only a small decal on the back. But here's the kicker-- while ZipCar is way cheaper than owning a car, and is designed for people in the city so they never have to buy one, the fact is that there is nothing like driving a ZipCar to give you pure, unadulterated car lust.

See, the snappy little ZipCar parked right near your house is not a Camry or a Taurus or an El Camino. It is a 2004 Prius or Beetle or Scion (xA and xB) or RAV-4. Ok there are a few Jettas and Foc...i, but they're all new and zippy. So while part of you says "oh cool, I can drive all these neat cars for very little money whenever I want," the other part of you says "if I don't go online and order a custom Scion xA right this second I'm going to die."

So anyway, Girl-E will be waving her ZipCard (which unlocks your reserved car only for YOU) around like semaphore, so just let us know if you want a joy ride at any hour of the day.

In other events, we'd like to thank the lovely Jess and Robbie and all those high school boys for being smashing hosts this weekend in Rhode Island and we are so sorry we didn't bring a gift or wash the sheets.

Also, we totally love how psyched boston.com is about Prince.

Posted by The Twins at 12:20 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

August 15, 2004

Super Birthday Snake

You know how in cartoons, when one animal/character eats some large and/or oddly shaped animal/character/thing, the thing retains its shape which you can see through the stretched throat/stomach of the thing that ate it? Well, we always thought that was for comedic or hyperbolic value, but discovered today that it is an actual phenomenon of the oddly-shaped-food-consuming animal kingdom, or at least of starfish-consuming seagulls in Rhode Island.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Posted by The Twins at 04:49 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

August 12, 2004

We don't usually listen to showtunes

We suggest that everyone stop what you're doing right now and give a little thought and thank you for any people you might happen to know who are really fucking interesting. There are not all that many truly fucking interesting people in this world, and if you happen to know one or two of them, you should be really goddam grateful (we'd like to suggest that you might be one of them, but really truly fucking interesting people don't spend much time reading blogs. Sorry. You are still really quite affable and amusing. Maybe even magnetic.).

This weekend, Girl-E was lucky enough to actually get to watch two really fucking interesting people marry each other (which doesn't happen all that often-- usually one fucking interesting person is too busy being fucking interesting to notice that the person they're with is not). In case you're ever quizzed, Hungarian Jewish musical prodigy middle school music teacher daughter of an improvisational piano teacher at Julliard and a pastry chef + Australian Jewish musical prodigy math Ph.D. son of engineering professors = Really Fucking Interesting. It's also not often you get to see approximately 65% of Australia's Jewish population in one room.

There were many highlights, but the most kick-ass was the rehearsal-dinner-slash-jazz-cabaret. And we don't mean they hired some jazzmen, oh no-- they got their family and friends to put on a three-hour variety show, which of course went overtime because every one of their family and friends (well, with one obvious exception, but we won't name names) are musical prodigies and/or really fucking interesting people. AB and AZ, the bethrothed RFIPs in question, opened the cabaret with a duet of Billie Holiday's "My mother's son-in-law" -- AB on piano and AZ alternately on violin and vocals. Other numbers included a Hungarian chant, several rollicking performances of the Klezmer band where AB and AZ met, tunes by the alums of Girl-E/Girl-C/AZ's college a cappella group, a couple of standards with AB on jazz piano and sung by the head of Electrical Operations at Princeton University, and Aussie Jewish Christmas Carols (including the story of Jonah and the whale sung to the tune of the theme song from The Nanny). Really, you just don't get more fucking interesting.

Oh, except for when you turn on the TV in your hotel room and see Howard Dean interviewing Margaret Cho.*

In other events, Girl-E was walking through the Target parking lot the other night and a woman starting up her minivan looked sheepishly at her and said "Um, I don't usually listen to showtunes!". Sure lady, sure. You have the Oklahoma! CD in your stereo and you're shopping at Target. Really fucking interesting you are not.

*This is not a quirky joke. This really happened. We only know snippets of what they discussed because Girl-E was too discombobulated to keep it on.

Posted by The Twins at 09:34 AM | Comments (23) | TrackBack

August 10, 2004

What, we were busy

It probably goes without saying that when we haven't posted for more than three days, and these days happen to strattle a weekend, it means that Girl-E took us out of state for a goddam wedding. And don't ask us how the hell she knows so many people, it's truly a mystery to us, given how unbelievably annoying she is.

Anyway, we gotta lot to do today, but check back later for something more interesting.

Posted by The Twins at 10:10 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

August 04, 2004

You shook me all night long and then took off before dawn, bastard

You know, no one stays put anymore. It's always off to college here, new job over there, running from the authorities in that state, etc. After only seven hard core months of pure rock, Reverend Pete hosted his last Rock Star Karaoke last night before he moves to NYC (actually, he moved last weekend, but that's how dedicated he is). However, every carefree young rabblerouser has to grow up and go get their Ph.D. in Ethnomusicology some day. (We're not kidding.)

Closing out his tenure with the live band (this time called Sammy Sandwich and the Lunchbox Throwdown or something), Pete opened with everyone's favorite AC/DC number (is that an oxymoron?), at the end of which Girl-E threw a bouquet of flowers at his feet like so much classical recital. There were a number of other showstoppers, including white rapper chick Trina with "Poison" (never trust a big butt and a smile) and a software engineer who did a surprisingly decent Zack de la Rocha (well, he did go to Harvard afterall). Girl-E did a passable version of "Hard to Handle," after a frightening mix-up in which the band started mistakingly playing "I'm Just A Girl". She may look No Doubt on the outside, but please. Anyway, Pete will be sorely missed. The girls taking his place seem pretty cool, but it would be hard to match his extraordinary leadership skills (who else could get 14 people who claim to be adults to go on a three-day karaoke field trip?).

In other news, Girl-E is trying to find creative ways to supplement the $34 in her bank account, so starting today she's participating in a market research study on some facial product. She has to pick it up tonight and use it for 14 days, after which she will share her verdict with a focus group and take home a fat $125 check. So pretty easy money, unless of course the stuff gives her boils. So between that and the eBay auction ads, she should be able to buy as many as two breakfast sandwiches a week, and maybe a lipstick.

In other news (that's getting old, but we're transition-deficient these days), Girl-E's email is down, so if you've sent her an urgent message or low interest rate offer, rest assured she will respond as soon as humanly possible.

Posted by The Twins at 10:30 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

August 03, 2004

Who'z the biz-omb, bi-otch?

We know you people probably think we've said enough about Girl-E's olympic-class bullshit artistry, but you'd be wrong. After giving high school dropout-level focus to the writing that was piling up in her inbox, and equal attention to her boss's increasingly frantic status checks, she pulled a 5-page speech out of her ASS yesterday in about 2.5 hours. The topic was something she knew practically shit about, but she is one interweb-resourceful muthafucka. We didn't hear the national anthem, though, until her boss came back saying she didn't have a single edit and was going to read it to an audience of 200 as-is. This medal's f'the slackahz, yo.

In other news, Girl-E went for an ice cream run to the supermarket last night, and ran into her friend Chuck pacing up and down the frozen food aisle. Ben and Jerry's pint under the arm, he was on his phone, millimeters away from busting a gut in hysterics at whatever was being said on the other end, although clearly trying to keep his giggles to himself. When he finally hung up, he revealed that he'd been talking to his dad, who was relating a recent trip to the doctor. Apparently, said doctor is on a mission to jump-start Chuck's parents' sex life, and on each visit talks up some new contraption. We don't know if there was a demo. Anyway, Chuck's dad had been sharing the details of these confusing toys, while Chuck, at a loss of anything else to say for chrissakes, was asking questions like "does it come in a high-performance model?" and "what kind of mileage does it get?". Girl-E could just hear it, Chuck's dad with a knitted brow, saying something like "well, we can't figure out how to set it up or where the battery goes because the instructions are all in Korean or something, but there's all these attachments and apparently it's supposed to suspend your mother in mid-air. These new-fangled things I tell ya, you kids are so lucky you've grown up with technology."

OH, P.S.: Girl-E just got a freelance job writing eBay auction ads for a seller of antique publications. How fucking jealous are YOU?

Posted by The Twins at 10:35 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

August 02, 2004

Dear valued reader,

We regret to inform you that due to circumstances beyond our control, we must postpone today's post to a time TBD. Girl-E has found herself in the unfortunate situation of actually having to work today on impending speeches she has heretofore chosen to ignore entirely. We thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Sincerely,
Leto & Roz

Posted by The Twins at 10:51 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack