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September 30, 2004

Springsteen vs. Yoakam

Tonight is the first presidential debate, and more importantly, Nikita's Kerry-oke party. High standards were set by her Karaoke Oscar Leap Day party, but we have every faith they will be met and indeed surpassed.

Before you go "wow, lame," note that the karaoke involved is not some stupid karaoke machine karaoke, but Karaoke Revolution Vols. 1 & 2 for PlayStation 2. It's fun as hell, and you get to choose characters, costumes, and venues (but beware of the girl with the camel toe). Speculation is that the evening will involve alternating between J. Lo, Kerry on the economy, New Order, Bush on terror, and so forth, plus drinking games.

It goes without saying, we think, that a karaoke competition between the candidates would be a lot more informative than the debate, which is probably going to be disappointing on all fronts. We'd much rather know that Kerry can do a decent Carole King while Bush totally butchers Garth Brooks (if that can be done). Song choice would also be telling-- one might think it would be safe to assume who has the better taste in music, but you never know when Kerry could make a crushing mistake by revealing that he could sing every word to the Breakfast at Tiffany's song without looking at the screen.

But then, of course, this would open up the possibility of hearing Lee Greenwood's "Proud to Be an American," which was solely responsible for the spike in George Sr.'s approval rating in 1991. Probably not worth it.

Posted by The Twins at 11:21 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 29, 2004

It's been a while since we've bitched about the weather

Sorry for the delay.

Now that hot and humid seems to have gone the way of Atkins fever, the good mother has decided to throw down a shitstorm of leftovers from someone else's hurricane, and didn't remind us to bring a sweater. It's one of those dreary days where the only thing anyone should be doing is lying on a couch watching DVDs and drinking mulled wine. The very thought of putting on fitted clothing is revolting, so Girl-E left the house this morning dressed like a hobo. Ponytail, no makeup, everything in her closet that's too big (which isn't much, and certainly doesn't match).

We hope that the candidates will address this weather issue in the first presidential debate tomorrow. Kerry hasn't done much for the situation in Massachusetts as a senator, so it will be interesting to see what new strategies he has for the nation as a whole. We're thinking along the lines of a progressive sunshine tax, which imposes the least burden on Presque Isle, Maine and increases as you move southwest, with San Diego additionally responsible for cool ocean breeze. Hawaii and Alaska will have a number of self-employment write-offs, and there will be a standard deduction for average annual rainfall. As with monetary taxes, the IRS will deliver refunds of beautiful days between late April and early May. If you request an extention until mid-August, you will pay a penalty of enduring at least a week of nasty-ass humidity.

This could work.

Posted by The Twins at 11:49 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

September 27, 2004

You're supposed to be the good guys

Dear Mac,

First off let us start by admitting that we are not currently users of your technology products; it's not that we don't respect you, but just that whole been-using-PC's-for-eons-energy-to-switch-and-learn-new-things-low thing. But we don't question those who say you're better, and you are certainly better looking.

We must, however, call you out on this whole .m4p nonsense. Selling digital music in your own special proprietary format so Girl-E can't play it on her mp3 player (at least without some very annoying CD-burning mumbo jumbo)? That is so Microsoft.

Haven't you learned from all of this that monopolistic behavior gets you cash up front but makes people hate you? Don't you want to be the nice guy who maybe didn't get all the girls in high school but ends up with the woman of his dreams while the football player is an alcoholic in prison? As long as people pay for your music, can't you just be a good sport about the device? This kind of bee-ess only makes people, us included, angry to the point of boycotting your products out of principle.

Seriously, people are going to buy the iPod anyway, you don't have to be a dick about it. Your marketing is smokin', so you really can drop the Betamax anxiety. You're going to make the money because you have made a better product, and that is indeed what we would all like to see happen. An iPod can hold thousands of songs, while Girl-E's mp3 player is full at 27. And it can play the other formats too. And iTunes is the best digital music store. And it comes in pink. Sure it's twice as expensive, but what does $150 mean to people who have no problem throwing away discmen like kleenex?

So in conclusion, we would just like to say keep up the good work, we will be purchasing a pink iPod Mini at our earliest convenience, and plan to spend many more hundreds of dollars on fast and convenient .m4p downloads.

Sincerely,
Leto & Roz

Posted by The Twins at 10:02 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 24, 2004

Announcement

TO OUR SHAREHOLDERS,

THIS IS A PUBLIC NOTICE STATING OUR INTENTION TO REFRAIN FROM COMMENT* ON THE RECENT CHALLENGE FROM THE AMERICAN BLACK LOG CABIN REPUBLICANS TO THE LOG CABIN REPUBLICANS PROPOSING A DEBATE ON THE ENDORSEMENT OF GEORGE W. BUSH FOR PRESIDENT, WHICH THE ABLCR HAS GIVEN AND THE LCR REFUSES TO.

OUR ANALYSTS HAVE CONCLUDED THAT DISCUSSION ON THIS TOPIC, PARTICULARLY MODERATED BY A STRAIGHT WHITE GIRL, HAS A ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT CHANCE OF OFFENDING SOMEONE SOMEWHERE AND CAUSING MASSIVE KNEE-JERK MISUNDERSTANDING AMONG PEOPLE. THERE ARE MANY ECONOMIC, SOCIAL, AND RELIGIOUS ISSUES AT HAND, AND AN EXPRESSION OF JUDGMENT BASED ON RATIONAL POLITICAL NORMS WOULD BE TO DISREGARD THE COMPLEXITY OF THE DILEMMA.

PURSUANT TO THESE FINDINGS, IF CONTACTED BY THE PRESS, WE REQUEST THAT YOU ISSUE NO COMMENT. THANK YOU.

*We will let you make your own evaluation of the following quote from Don Sneed, consultant for the ABLCR: "Disagreement over the marriage for gays issue is not a legitimate reason for the LCR to withhold endorsing President Bush's re-election. Marriage for gays is not a civil rights issue. This issue revolves around the protection of the vast amount of wealth accumulated by some members of the gay community and codifying, through judicial mandate and legislative decree, the acceptance of homosexuality. As gays, our time would be better spent working to find out why God made us as we are -- not using the law to force our external and internal public acceptance."

Posted by The Twins at 03:23 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 23, 2004

They also drink Diet Coke with milk

Rumor has it that Girl-C and DQ ordered wallets of this picture (from this holiday bonanza) with their own money. Folks who have a wedding to plan really shouldn't be throwing away their cash like that. Anyway, if anyone needs a photo to go along with the stories about your bitchy ex-girlfriend, let us know. We're sure Girl-E won't mind.

Posted by The Twins at 04:02 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

You can't have that in here

Seeing as it's the first actual day of fall, and we know this because the goddam trees outside the window have actually started turning color, WTF, we thought we'd start tackling the list of topic ideas many of you so graciously offered up last week (or whenever the hell it was).

So we will start with JJ's suggestion, "Unlikely Liquor-licensed Establishments":

The Christian Science Mother Church on Mass Ave, across from the True Value Hardware

The king's palace in Jordan

Sylvan Learning Centers

Shalom Hunan Kosher Chinese Restaurant*

International House of Mormon Pancakes

Teetotalers 'R Us

The White Stripes' concert

The conference room down the hall**

The Lamest Bar (next to The Littlest Bar downtown)

Sunday River Ski Resort***


*This place really exists. We assume they have no need for one, since Manischewitz does not go with Mu Shoo.

**Girl-E sure learned this one the hard way

***Oh wait, they do have a liquor license-- but you can only get beer between 9am-4pm at the lodge halfway up the slopes. We're sure that's never caused any problems.

Posted by The Twins at 11:14 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

September 22, 2004

Mmmm... creamy

We know that over the past year and a half, we've told quite a few "stupid-ass thing that Girl-E did" stories. But ten minutes ago, she did something so moronic, so mind-blowingly dumb, that all the others look like above-average performance in comparison.

Get this-- she walks up to the counter at Finagle-A-Bagel, and orders a triple chocolate chip bagel (shut up) and a large iced coffee. The lady passes her the goods, and she walks over to the other counter to add milk. Now here's the part that's so retarded we can hardly stand to write it: just because she ordered iced coffee, and her receipt said she ordered and paid for iced coffee, she unbelievably idiotically assumed that she would actually receive iced coffee! Can you believe that?? Clearly, as any half-witted person knows, you are every bit as likely to get a large cup of Diet Coke as iced coffee, even if not 15 seconds earlier you ordered and paid for iced coffee!! If she weren't dumber than a bag of Skittles, she would obviously have tasted her drink at least twice before adding milk to it.

Having to tolerate such an imbecile of a customer, it's no wonder the lady's answer to "you gave me Diet Coke" was "I'm sorry! Did you want regular Coke?". Seriously. It's Girl-E's own fault that after receiving the actual iced coffee, she had to throw it out because all she could think of when drinking it was that it was Diet Coke with milk. Shit for brains.

Posted by The Twins at 02:29 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

September 19, 2004

We did it all for the nookie

Just a wee check in from the City of Angels, the freeways of which we have spent approximately 1637 hours on in the past two days. It is common for people to be taken aback when they find out that Girl-E grew up in Southern California, wondering why on earth she would ever leave there for the East Coast. People, there are reasons. 1637 of them.

Of course, we know that right now all the people who live in Boston are thinking, "well the traffic here is the worst EVER, so she didn't gain anything in THAT department." But that's because Bostonians are brought up to think that they have the best and the worst of everything. Folks, you have NO FUCKING IDEA from traffic. None. You haven't been creeping bumper-to-bumper on the 405 at 2:00am for an hour and a half for no reason whatsoever except that there are too many damn people driving their cars. Get over yourselves.

But of course, we are nothing if not silver lining gals. And the bright side of this automotive shi-OTT is that KROQ is having Rock of the Nineties Flashback Weekend. Maybe it's just high school nostalgia, and the fact that she happens to be in California where she happened to go to high school, but it is the freaking raddist, at least insofar as it compliments her mood. 1637 hours of Nirvana, Weezer, Pearl Jam, Green Day, Limp Bizkit, Faith No More, RHCP, 311, Sublime, latter-day Depeche Mode, Jane's Addiction, Perry Ferrell's other band whose name is simply too stupid to type but put out a decent single, and just enough shit by Oasis and Bush to remind her that high school did have its low points. Oh, and just about every track from Pretty Hate Machine, which is overall, honestly, just about the best record in all of record history, even if it was released in 1989. By the way, it will do you no good to protest this assertion. As we speculate perhaps a few are moved to do. FYI, Girl-E only listened to two albums in 1991, NIN's Pretty Hate Machine and Paul Simon's Rhythm of the Saints. So don't you even try to put her in a box, oh no.

Posted by The Twins at 08:58 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

September 16, 2004

That post where the writer says she's going out of town for a few days, maybe can post maybe not, miss you all, promise to have interesting stories next week, yadda

So yeah.

Posted by The Twins at 01:49 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 15, 2004

monster, Monster, MONSTER

Girl-E was once described by a friend as being "artistically retarded". Besides the picture-perfect one-inch-square clay elephant she made when she was six, during a fleeting ten minutes in which she possessed savant-like spatial relation skills and dexterity that have never again materialized, this is entirely true.

However, this does not bother her, because she can live vicariously through those who rock the artsy house. Like Kat, who illustrated her writing website (that has not gone live after like 8 months of talking about it, but you know, the road to hell and all that). And, of course, Hilatron, whose wonderful crafty goods make you want to skip around the park in a floppy hat.

And now, it is the most exciting time of year, when that Crafty Robot makes and offers to the cash or credit paying public what is perhaps the most excellent of all holiday items ever created in the universe, her shiny, pretty, very very scary patent-pending MONSTER STOCKINGS!!!!!

Order yours now, one for you and all of your friends. Everyone will think you are so incredibly awesome and cool. Girl-E already has two but will most definitely be acquiring a few more, and will probably leave them up all year 'round.

p.s. We will, we promise, be getting to the post suggestions you all so graciously offered last week. It's just that Girl-E is tromping off to L.A. on Friday, and all our creativity is going into helping her choose outfits, but it'll happen.

Posted by The Twins at 11:08 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

September 14, 2004

#1 bus via Mass Ave., 8:26am

82nd Airborne! Fort Bragg, North Carolina! Screaming Eagles! I did 47 jumps all over the world! I got shot! I'm constantly blind!

I can see you, but I'm constantly blind. Land mine, blew up, burned my eyes. I gotta wear these glasses. See?

82nd Airborne! Fort Bragg, North Carolina! Screaming Eagles! I did 47 jumps all over the world!

...................................

Here's to hoping we bring them all home soon, so in 35 years the (solar-powered) buses will be free of ghosts.

Posted by The Twins at 09:12 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 12, 2004

Mmm... bacon

Dude, there is like totally a big old arrest going on right in front of our house. Two flashing cop cars, a guy in a Bullets jersey, lots of patting and walkie-talkie usage, mysterious plastic bags, traffic backed up the one-way street for like ever. Cool.

Posted by The Twins at 05:33 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 09, 2004

Slumpty Day

So yesterday, as we were perusing our site meter, shut up you do it too, we noticed that a visitor exited from our January archives. So, because we are nothing if not self-absorbed, we decided to gratify ourselves with a reading of those posts of yore to remind ourselves of what this visitor had been priviledged to read.

And it is with that we say, what the effing eff has happened to us? The entire month of January, though nothing show-stopping, was consistently somewhat amusing, informative, thoughtful, and/or plucky. If we do say so ourselves. Almost every post had a generous (for us) helping of unique comments by a variety of readers new and old. Basically, we were hot (again, for us). And basically, we totally blow now. I mean look at what we're writing today for Crissakes. We're totally phoning it in. We only get a lot of comments if any when a crazy person comments six times on one post.

The point is, we need a good hard shaking-up. We can chalk it up to the stress of Girl-E's move or overcommitment to shit or whatever, but the fact is we have had a major case of the stalies for weeks (months) now. So if you feel like it (we're not going to play this up because if no one comments we'll look even lamer), please feel free to challenge us to write about any topic-- the stranger, crazy-out-of-nowhere..er, the better. We will take up your challenges (or not, if no one does it) over the next few weeks (or day, or hour, since there will probably only be one if any).

Sometime in the next few months when we get a free second, we might do a total site overhaul. But don't mark it in your calendar or anything.

Posted by The Twins at 09:37 AM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

September 08, 2004

The umpteenth post entitled Humpty Day

Dear Wednesday,

Dude, what is your deal? Everyone's always talking shit about Monday, but you're the real douchebag. At least with Monday, we can have pleasant memories of the blast-having and around-screwing of the past 48-72 hours, not to mention anticipate the mini-weekend of Tuesday karaoke. But with you, it's like damn, what did we do last weekend anyway, why is it so frigging long until the next one, and what the hell time did we get to bed last night?

You always seem to go for the choice weather, too. The heavens fell straight to earth this morning, and right now it is dismal, grey, muggy, and all around stagnant and gross. You are the poster child for bad hair days. Everyone's new-week diet and exercise resolutions have already failed by the time they get to you. You thought you were all awesome cuz they gave you The West Wing, but you couldn't even keep Aaron Sorkin interested. We bet you get a real kick out of watching Girl-E cope with you by eating two breakfasts and raiding the maltball bins at Hidden Sweets. But what the hell else is she supposed to do? You give her absolutely nothing to work with.

Well don't get all smug-- you thought you'd get to watch her freak because she promised to have that non-existent speech done by "mid-week," but she's giving that to Thursday because Monday was a holiday. So there, asshole.

Enjoy your remaining 8 1/2 hours, try not to crash any more space shuttles.
~Leto & Roz

Posted by The Twins at 03:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 07, 2004

Heh.

Luckily, they sent this picture of Girl-E and Girl-C to the Boston Globe instead of the photographic evidence of the arson.

Posted by The Twins at 05:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Fahrenheit 9/7

Well helllllloooooooooooooooooooooooo. We hope you all enjoyed the long weekend, and are just as miserable as we are that it's over. And by "it," we mean every day of the past three months leading up to today, which is, really, the crappiest day of the year.

There is no end to the list of reasons why the day after Labor Day fuckin sucks wind. Ok, fine, so the weather is absolutely lovely-- but that makes it even worse, because it just underscores the fact that you can't be out in it, sucka. Girl-E's lids are heavy and brow is knit (even more than the default knit that normally inhabits her face), because the day after Labor Day is the official start of the need to do actual labor. Even if you're working, there's something about the summer that says, "ah, just bag it. You can do it tomorrow," pretty much every day. But come Black Tuesday, everyone expects you to suddenly be a productive member of society, and you're just all like "wha?". Yeah.

Granted, when Girl-E was in school, the day after Labor Day was a double-edged sword; on the one hand vacation was over, but on the other hand, she got to see all her friends again and break in a new set of three-ring binders. She also has a habit of forgetting just how much she hates, hates, HATES heat and humidity, so the cooling of early fall is always a pleasant surprise. But now, she works on the other side-- within a few days, the halls of the institution at which she works will be infested with students, and their idiocy will trickle down to make her life suck. Last year, this was her plucky first day on the job. This year, it's like the four-millionth, with no end in sight.

Anyway, one exacerbating factor is that she's fricking beat to hell from moving. She has eight bruises on her left leg, three on her right, and her shoulders feel like she just finished as stroke in the Head of the Charles. Not that she's complaining about the move as a concept, because her new place is super dope. But she is complaining about the owwie part, because she's a pussy. But she's just gonna have to suck it up, hunker down, pack away her white shoes and try to look forward to Must See TV season premiers. If anyone's up for another BBQ or two, though, she's totally game.

Posted by The Twins at 11:07 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

September 04, 2004

Some Other Person would have their shit together

We are no longer trapped under the physical dresser, but very much trapped under the figurative dresser of life. That's clever, no?*

Anyway, the point is, we suck, but if you want to spend this time seeing just how big a freak Girl-E is, check out her story in the Art section of this magazine. Totally certifiable, that one.

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September 02, 2004

eep.

Just a little eep from under a heavy dresser. Hopefully we'll get out sometime in the next few days.

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