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October 28, 2004

A truer statement was never uttered

Text message received by Boston Globe sports reporter Eric Wilbur from friend in Colorado: “You have the guy from Creed sing ‘God Bless America’ you deserve to be swept.”

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What the hell was all that screaming?

Just kidding. Obviously there's not much we can say that won't be said 6 zillion times on every website everywhere, but there is a "we're frickin awesome" vibe wafting through the air in Boston today, made even awesomer by the lovely weather.

Now that we think about it, this probably means death and decay are at our doorstep. But anyway. A few items:

With absolutely no forethought, the instant Foulke tossed that ball like a little girl to end the game, Girl-E grabbed her jacket, marched outside, down to the river, across the BU bridge, and up Commonwealth Avenue, joining a spontaneously formed river of people on Comm Ave who were actually mostly just walking, like the rats to the piper, towards Kenmore Square (where Fenway is, for you out-of-towners). While many of the tens of thousands of people who ended up there at 12:30am were jumping and screaming like the idiots they love, a majority were just there to watch them do so. We have a feeling the riot police only blockaded the street and pushed every one back down Comm Ave at one o'clock because they had had a long day and decided it was time for everyone to go home.

Overheard while standing in Kenmore:

College girl with college girl friends: "I just called my brother and I swear to god he was CRYING!!!" "Omigod that is so CUTE!!"

Drunk frat guy with shirt buttoned wrong, into his cellphone: "Dude, I don't know what's going on, but I just got maced. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Fireman on duty, to other fireman on duty: "86 years, huh".

College guy to other college guy, pointing up the hill: "Dude, Fenway's right there." "Wha? Where?"

Bryan to Girl-E: "Not to ruin this for you, but the other riot was way better."

Girl-E to Bryan: "Hey, can you get a picture of that girl in the wheelchair?"

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October 27, 2004

Um... um.

We're trying desperately to think of something to write about besides the Red Sox. Seriously, it's like whatever. But in good faith, here's what we came up with:

Girl-E got a new stuffed Fraggle (Boober, they were out of Mokey). The magazine forgot to give her a byline on her article this month. She's wondering what she'll get back from her translated email interview with Japanese pop stars. They thought no Halloween could ever top the Twin Stevies, but Jem and Jerrica very well might be the answer. If liquor isn't your thing, we recommend going on a dairy bender by driving to Vermont and visiting the Ben & Jerry's factory and the Cabot cheddar creamery in one day. GO SOX!!!!

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October 25, 2004


...ok, so we guess no one wants an ass-kicking soundtrack. Well, we'll just ask you to think about it. In the mean time, we are going to avoid talking about much of anything, because we didn't blog all weekend and the Sox won the first two games of the World Series. Don't want to jinx it with musings about breakfast cereal or electoral votes or something.

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October 22, 2004

Kicking some ass, oh yeah baby!

Ok, so Girl-E has had like a whole huge pile of shit to deal with at her apartment, and has been putting it off for about two months, or doing a little at a time but hardly making a dent. So today she stayed home from work in order to KICK SOME ASS!!! Yeah! Let's kick some ass on those boxes, and that trash, and those clothes for Goodwill, and those files, and those wall hangings, and holy shit there is going to be all kinds of ass-kicking, boy-eee!!!

The only thing missing, of course, is the ASS-KICKING SOUNDTRACK for KICKING SOME ASS. So, if you would be so kind as to suggest one or more ASS-KICKING SONGS for KICKING SOME ASS in the comments, we will choose the most ASS-KICKING and throw together a KICKING SOME ASS MIX CD for everyone who needs to KICK SOME ASS, yeah!

So come on ass-kickers, kick us some ass-kicking songs!

FYI, the first track will be "Sin" by Nine Inch Nails. The rest is wide open. Thank you.

Posted by The Twins at 01:58 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 21, 2004

oh. my. god.



We'd like to think of the 1 in those 10 runs as a big fat middle finger to Steinbrenner. And Jeter, who constantly has a "Hey babe. I'm a very very good baseball player. Wanna suck me?" look on his face. And all those Yankee "fans" who started leaving in like the fifth inning. Who does that? Who?

Anyway. We stand corrected, the band of idiots* pulled it off afterall. Rock fucking on.

*This is not a pejorative comment on our part, only what they call themselves.

p.s. Happy birthday mom!!

Posted by The Twins at 09:35 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

October 20, 2004


The temp who is working as the receptionist in Girl-E's office has literally been talking for seven straight hours about his every thought, action, emotion, exclamation, apprehension, and superstition throughout the ALCS. No matter how things shake out tonight, tomorrow is going to be like a soul-purging retreat in the woods without food or water or receptionist muzzles (if he even shows up for work).

Posted by The Twins at 04:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A Few Notes

1) We are in total shock about last night. We will say no more so as not to jinx it. Except that there is no fucking way the Sox are going to pull this off. *duck*

2) To all those who secretly or vocally hate/are really fucking sick of/are encumbered at work by the hot pink: we totally hear you. It was fun at first, but now it makes us want to hurl. We haven't changed it yet because doing so would require more than just a little tweak in TypePad, but futzing with the masthead, color matching between programs, blah blah. So instead of spending the time doing that, we're going to do a serious overhaul within the next few weeks. Seriously serious. So wear the sunglasses for just a little while longer.

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October 19, 2004

Boston Fans 2: The Edge of Reason

Dear Diary,

We just don’t know what to think anymore. Everything was going so well, we were having so much fun, they were so cute and attentive. And then they just started to drift away, didn’t come home very much. We asked them what was wrong and they said “no, no nothing, why are you looking at us like that?” We were skeptical, remembering the rough patch about a year ago when everything fell apart and they swore they would change. But then they took us on that trip to Anaheim a few weeks ago, and we rode all the rides at Disney’s California Adventure, and enjoyed the sunshine, and everything seemed just perfect.

But only a week after we got home, it was like they thought they’d paid their dues, and they seemed to just stop trying. Oh sure there were some exciting moments, when we were caught up in our passion and everything seemed like it would be like the good days again. But then it disappeared as quickly as it came and we didn’t exactly end on a high note if you know what we’re saying. Everything was going to hell and we cried ourselves to sleep three nights in a row.

We really did get to a point where we could say “we don’t need you, bastards, there are those guys out in Foxborough who are showing a little interest and they’re not so bad looking either.” But then they must have gotten jealous or something, because then all of a sudden they were all over us, and it seemed like they might actually be willing to fight for our relationship. The last two nights they were even able to go forever to make us happy.

Maybe they really do love us. Maybe they know what they want, and just aren’t sure how to get there. Maybe they were just going through an immature period, and now they’re ready to grow up and settle down. They surprised us with a trip to New York today, and if everything goes well tonight, maybe tomorrow they’ll propose! And then in a week or two we’ll run off to someplace cheap like Missouri or Texas and we’ll have a crazy amazing shotgun wedding and everything will be perfect and we’ll be so happy!! And everyone will be like “wow, we wish we could be just like them, they’re so happy and awesome!!!”

Oh gosh, they’re just the best, the BEST!!!!!!

Posted by The Twins at 10:34 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 18, 2004

As promised

Er maybe not, but whatever-- Girl-E's account-for-mass-consumption of Nikita's Kerry-oke Debate party.

Posted by The Twins at 10:16 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 17, 2004

and what do you want, Eminem?

28 years ago today, Girl-E came shrieking and flailing into a sterile room at Sibley Memorial Hospital.

27 years ago today, Nikita slid silently, gracefully, and just a little fiendishly into another room, which was probably lit by blacklights, or perhaps a sultry red glow.

Nikita wants a new corset, and Girl-E wants the new Fraggle Rock DVD hand-delivered by John Lithgow.

Both girls want pancakes bigger than their heads. And those they shall have.

Posted by The Twins at 09:26 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

October 15, 2004

Derivative comment on the debate, two days late

We hope that Wednesday's debate helped the American voting public realize that John Kerry is a LIBERAL SENATOR FROM MASSACHUSETTS, which of course means only one thing:

John Kerry = MIKE DUKAKIS + 10 inches

Thank god they pointed that out just in the nick of time.

Posted by The Twins at 10:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 14, 2004

Action items

Girl-E is in one of those periods where she doesn't exactly have enormous pressing responsibilities of a global scale, but where 10,000 little things seem to be nipping at her heels like the backing violins in Destiny's Child's "Survivor". It's hard to know where to start in these situations, because nothing alone seems urgent even if everything together does. So to help her get organized, we have created a clear to-do list for the next three days:

- Pay your credit card bill online after your paycheck comes through on Friday. Then cut your card in half.

- Go through the boxes in the basement. Maybe you'll be motivated to actually read a book for the first time in six months if you have something on your shelf besides Jem and the Holograms "Startin' Out" and a Harper's Weekly.

- You're never going to catch that damn bird without a decent strategy, so stop trying and go back to Celadon City for some more lemonades or your Pokemon are going to lose all their Hit Points before you even get through to the other side of the Power Plant.

- Practice your bass for 30 minutes each day. If you can't remember what that is, it's the blue thing next to your bed you keep hitting your knee against. If you're wondering why it's not making any sound, it's because you need to plug it into the amp, which is that black box. And the excuse that you can't find your bow isn't relevant.

- Buy a new alarm clock. Quit bitching that yours is a piece of shit, an average of 14 snooze hits a day was bound to make it start running 45 minutes fast every 24 hours at some point.

- Do one section of a practice GRE. The last time you took it was 7 years ago, and if you think you're going to go in there next month and magically remember the Pythagorian Theorem you are cockier nitwit than we thought.

- Those paintings you bought three weeks ago are pretty, but they'd probably look better hanging on your walls than in a pile on the floor.

- Write those two concert reviews before the bands break up.

- If you wear that fucking sweater one more time this week we're going to lose our shit. Do your goddam laundry.

- You may get one or two nice birthday presents this weekend, but one of them is not going to be that this shit does itself, you whiny princess bratty-pants.

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October 13, 2004

Heh heh, heh

Kids, kids, we were just kidding! We were just musing about theoretical probabilities, we didn't actually mean you should lose any games, let alone the first game of the ALCS against the Yankees. The rally was exciting, but you really should have followed through. Really, you should know not to take us so seriously. So tonight, just forget we said anything at all about John Kerry. Fuck 'im.

In other news, Girl-E's mom heads back to SoCal this morning after a lovely but too-short visit. For everyone who was swooning over the carrot cake, we hate to say that Girl-E is sure to burn it or forget the sugar or something if she tries it on her own. Oh and Phil, we're sure Mom didn't mean that joke about your prowess.

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October 11, 2004

Oh come on, just one tiny slice

Sorry for the hiatus, we've been baking a carrot cake. Let us know how big a piece you want and we'll wrap it up for you.

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October 07, 2004

Dear Red Sox,

Congratulations on that big win last night, really. It is so gratifying to see a team come back from 1-3 to win 8-3, and it's even more adrenaline-producing when we have to stay up until 2am to do it. We hope you enjoy your day off, and then return on Friday to wrap up this first-round series with a shut-out.

We are sorry to say, though, that you need to enjoy it now, because we cannot allow you to go all the way. Unfortunately, this can not be the year, even if that kid who lives in Babe Ruth's old house got beaned in the face a few months ago by your home run. Don't get us wrong, it's not that we don't have the undying faith of all Red Sox fans that you could, theoretically, win the World Series. It's that we won't let you. Why? Because it is against all laws of the universe as we know it that both the Red Sox and John Kerry will win this fall.

Baseball is all about statistics, so we're sure you understand. Liberals and Sox fans alike are genetically programmed to endure disappointment. We expect and embrace it, because it lets us feel that we're building karma for a better day. In 1994, the Republicans succeeded in a heartbreaking sweep of Congress, and the baseball strike cancelled the post-season. But even then, liberals relished the chance to chip away at the Contract With America piece by piece, and Sox fans could conveniently discount a season that would have had them finishing in fourth place. We need to feel that we're being screwed by either big oil or George Steinbrenner to keep that motivating hope of vindication alive.

So you see, we feel for you, and would love to see it all come around. But you're just going to have to wait, because you have many more chances to be world champions than our nation has to thwart evil. You don't have to out and out throw the games, but you know, just put something in Schilling's food or get Manny riled up so he gets ejected at a key moment. Anything. Too many lives are at stake.

Many thanks for your understanding,
Leto & Roz

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October 06, 2004

Post-break up Ken runs for Vice President

We tried to watch the Veep debate last night, really, but Cheney's snarly "I'm so much better than you friggin people" attitude was too irritating. And by irritating, we mean an attitude that a bunch of idiots might actually buy. It was nothing like the first prez debate, where you could just go "oh my god what a monkey!". Cheney is revolting, but he has a way of looking like he knows what he's talking about that people with a heart three sizes too small might give him some credit for. We can only hope that John Edwards' tan was mesmerizing enough to balance it out.

Anyway, the point is, the Red Sox won and the Yankees lost, so whatever.

Tonight Girl-E gets a much-needed haircut, and maybe a sandwich.

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October 04, 2004

The World is Full of Crashing Bores

Girl-E wasn't feeling too spankin this weekend, so there's not much to report in the rip-roarin' department. Tonight, however, just as on October 31, 1991, she is going to see Morrissey in concert. To anyone who thinks this won't be awesome, screw you. You just wish you were tortured and misunderstood with a pop sensibility.

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October 01, 2004

blink. blink blink.

We're not going to say much about last night's satisfying and musically-enhanced debate, because Girl-E is very very busy with important university business.* But we will mention the following:

1) Bush mostly looked like the kid whose dad is the teacher-- alternately staring at the carvings in his desk, rolling his eyes, and blinking them wildly to stay awake.

2) Did you see how Kerry was wearing a red tie and Bush was wearing a blue one? Ooo, the irony.

3) Poland finally got the credit it deserves as a pivotal cog in the American-led war machine, no thanks to Kerry, lousy no-good Poland-forgetter.

4) White House menu for Friday, October 1st: Dust, with a side of wake.

*Obviously this is untrue-- it's really because she has to write a magazine article about it and has only so much material.

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