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October 07, 2004

Dear Red Sox,

Congratulations on that big win last night, really. It is so gratifying to see a team come back from 1-3 to win 8-3, and it's even more adrenaline-producing when we have to stay up until 2am to do it. We hope you enjoy your day off, and then return on Friday to wrap up this first-round series with a shut-out.

We are sorry to say, though, that you need to enjoy it now, because we cannot allow you to go all the way. Unfortunately, this can not be the year, even if that kid who lives in Babe Ruth's old house got beaned in the face a few months ago by your home run. Don't get us wrong, it's not that we don't have the undying faith of all Red Sox fans that you could, theoretically, win the World Series. It's that we won't let you. Why? Because it is against all laws of the universe as we know it that both the Red Sox and John Kerry will win this fall.

Baseball is all about statistics, so we're sure you understand. Liberals and Sox fans alike are genetically programmed to endure disappointment. We expect and embrace it, because it lets us feel that we're building karma for a better day. In 1994, the Republicans succeeded in a heartbreaking sweep of Congress, and the baseball strike cancelled the post-season. But even then, liberals relished the chance to chip away at the Contract With America piece by piece, and Sox fans could conveniently discount a season that would have had them finishing in fourth place. We need to feel that we're being screwed by either big oil or George Steinbrenner to keep that motivating hope of vindication alive.

So you see, we feel for you, and would love to see it all come around. But you're just going to have to wait, because you have many more chances to be world champions than our nation has to thwart evil. You don't have to out and out throw the games, but you know, just put something in Schilling's food or get Manny riled up so he gets ejected at a key moment. Anything. Too many lives are at stake.

Many thanks for your understanding,
Leto & Roz

Posted by The Twins at October 7, 2004 10:54 AM

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I don't know...it seems like they're more connected than you'd think, and all signs might point to BOTH succeeding (or failing) because they are so interconnected.

Let's look past the fact that they're both from Boston.

Let's look past the fact that even though they are both seen as underdogs, they both have just slightly less than half the country behind them.

Let's look at the trade.

The Sox started playing great after the trade of Nomar to Chicago brought in Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkeiwicz/Meintkaieviszczxs/Manishevitz/Whatever.

Think about those players... ORLANDO Cabrera? Like ORLANDO Florida? Like the state where the whole debacle of 2000 took place? And where did we get him from? MONTREAL! Where they speak what? FRENCH!!!

And what about Doug Mickeyminnievitz? He came to us from Minnesota - the ONLY state that was hardcore Blue enough to vote for McGovern. And clearly he's Polish - which George W. Bush didn't want Kerry to forget about at the debate, but I'm sure he'd like to forget them now that they've announced they're pulling out in January!

So I don't think it's an either/or situation here. I think we might be dealing with all or nothing.

Posted by: aaron at October 7, 2004 12:01 PM

Oh I agree we may very well get nothing... the point is that I just know how low the chances are of getting all.

Posted by: EV at October 7, 2004 12:04 PM

Can they at least make it to the ALCS? We have tickets for one of those games. What if we sacrificed the Patriots instead of the Sox? If they were suddenly 18-1 instead of 19-0? Would that be enough?

The thing is, and I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I'm not sure this is the year I *want* the Sox to go all the way. I hold year-long grudges against teams, and I was so pissed at them at the conclusion of the last season and the resulting malarky that I had a personal Sox boycott all the way up until about last week when I caved. So I don't feel the same connection to this team as I have in years past...so, actually, it would friggin' figure if this was the year they did it.

And maybe the Sox/Kerry thing isn't a diametric opposition - maybe they're positively corrolated, so what happens to one happens to the other, like Tom Riddle and that book, or the Mystics and the Skesis, or Dick Cheney and Satan.

Posted by: nikita at October 7, 2004 12:08 PM

i am convinced you could put a severed finger in manny's food and he wouldn't notice, and if he did notice, he probably wouldn't care. this is a guy who left a $80k paycheck in the glove compartment of his car for a month when he was in cleveland. he lives on another planet.

moreover, i think you're not giving the red sox enough credit for thwarting evil in the form of the yankees. i know poverty and strife and all that is bad, but if i have to fucking watch derek jeter do that two-fist-in-the-air-we-just-won-the-WS thing ever again, i'm honestly going to barf up one of my kidneys. so, you know, have a little consideration.

thirdly, i think we saw how the whole boston vs. NY thing plays out during the conventions --

boston: cude, cuddly, endearingly infatuated with the past, but pretty ineffective when you think about it.

new york: mean, rude, merciless, but gets the job done.

i hate to be the one to say it, but it's time for me to pull out my line from last year: "all this win did was set us up for an even more cataclysmic loss tomorrow."

Posted by: bryan at October 7, 2004 03:18 PM

oh i know, i didn't say they were gonna win, i just said they should just keep doing what they do best, which is get everyone excited and then blow it in the end so that kerry has some chance.

and people must be really bored today, what with these essay-length comments. rock on.

Posted by: EV at October 7, 2004 03:28 PM

Uh...looks like you might get your wish after all.

Posted by: Aaron at October 13, 2004 12:26 AM

Wondering if anyone knows what the origin of the "kid that got beaned that lives in Babe Ruth's old House"- end-of-the-curse story is?

Posted by: Tracy at October 20, 2004 10:53 PM

About two months ago, a kid sitting in the outfield stands got his teeth knocked out by a Sox home run (or maybe it was foul, but the story's better with a homer). Turns out the kid lives in Babe Ruth's old house in Shrewsbury or wherever. The Sox then proceeded to win 11 straight games. So of course, the kid was on the news, with his toothless grin and his proud mommy, because everyone was sure he broke the curse. Looks like they were right!

Posted by: EV at October 21, 2004 09:20 AM

Thanks EV! One more question for you- Any clue what the kid's name was or how to find the story? I tried... to no avail.

Posted by: Tracy at November 9, 2004 07:37 AM

I don't know, sorry! I saw it on the news whenever it happened this summer, but if a Google search doesn't turn it up (which is weird) then I don't know how to find it. Good luck!

Posted by: EV at November 9, 2004 09:34 AM