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August 03, 2004
Who'z the biz-omb, bi-otch?
We know you people probably think we've said enough about Girl-E's olympic-class bullshit artistry, but you'd be wrong. After giving high school dropout-level focus to the writing that was piling up in her inbox, and equal attention to her boss's increasingly frantic status checks, she pulled a 5-page speech out of her ASS yesterday in about 2.5 hours. The topic was something she knew practically shit about, but she is one interweb-resourceful muthafucka. We didn't hear the national anthem, though, until her boss came back saying she didn't have a single edit and was going to read it to an audience of 200 as-is. This medal's f'the slackahz, yo.
In other news, Girl-E went for an ice cream run to the supermarket last night, and ran into her friend Chuck pacing up and down the frozen food aisle. Ben and Jerry's pint under the arm, he was on his phone, millimeters away from busting a gut in hysterics at whatever was being said on the other end, although clearly trying to keep his giggles to himself. When he finally hung up, he revealed that he'd been talking to his dad, who was relating a recent trip to the doctor. Apparently, said doctor is on a mission to jump-start Chuck's parents' sex life, and on each visit talks up some new contraption. We don't know if there was a demo. Anyway, Chuck's dad had been sharing the details of these confusing toys, while Chuck, at a loss of anything else to say for chrissakes, was asking questions like "does it come in a high-performance model?" and "what kind of mileage does it get?". Girl-E could just hear it, Chuck's dad with a knitted brow, saying something like "well, we can't figure out how to set it up or where the battery goes because the instructions are all in Korean or something, but there's all these attachments and apparently it's supposed to suspend your mother in mid-air. These new-fangled things I tell ya, you kids are so lucky you've grown up with technology."
OH, P.S.: Girl-E just got a freelance job writing eBay auction ads for a seller of antique publications. How fucking jealous are YOU?
Posted by The Twins at August 3, 2004 10:35 AM
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Comments
OH MY GOD I LOOKED AT THAT JOB.
Also, I believe that two of my last three comments on this site have been in all caps and may have started with "oh my god". Let's analyze this disturbing trend and figure out how to head it off, shall we?
Posted by: nikita at August 3, 2004 11:01 AM
hey wow! that's coolio with the ebay job and props on your supah dupah mad writing skillz, yo.
Posted by: snowy at August 3, 2004 11:51 AM
I dunno Nik, is it because you're in an unusually excitable state, or because I'm prone to shock and amaze?
Anyway, the job is not actually super creative, but it's a "make money while sitting at your computer!" offer that I just couldn't refuse.
Posted by: EV at August 3, 2004 12:02 PM
Oh and yeah, you can still send your stuff in, he wants like 10 people.
Posted by: EV at August 3, 2004 12:03 PM
THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.
Call your friend Chuck. Tell him to call his father immediately. Tell Chuck to tell his father that if you follow the instructions to the letter, YOU WILL END UP WITH A MISSING PIECE. This is NOT a spare part, and this IS a mistake on the part of the manufacturer. This piece looks like half of a horseshoe, and NEEDS to be inserted between the bottom hinge and the so-called "tickle pickle." Also, tell him to tell his father that if this horseshoe thing is NOT inserted, and the device is used as it is intended, the resulting friction WILL cause the device to collapse upon itself, potentially ramming that feathery broccoli-looking thingy somewhere it ought not to be. And he will have an awful lot of explaining to do when the ambulance comes.
Posted by: Jeff at August 3, 2004 01:14 PM