« Yo, ho, ho, ho | Main | You know what mama said about looking gift donkeys in the mouth »

July 20, 2004

IF IT WEREN'T SERIOUS THEY WOULDN'T USE THE CAPITAL LETTERS

We thought there was nothing funnier than the fact that Girl-E inexplicably got on the American Pork Federation e-mail list, from which she gets quarterly newsletters and a yearly opportunity to vote for her favorite pork product. But her inclusion on this e-mail list is way, way funnier (#3 is our especially special favorite; and also, #4 is completely false. But you knew that.):

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Christian Family Coalition

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, the nation’s most radical homosexual group HAS RECEIVED A $100,000 matching grant to LEGALIZE homosexual “marriage” in America from a “gay family”!

This “gay family” are Tom Bombardier and John Fowler TWO MEN who claim they have been together eight years and have somehow “adopted” two children, ages 22 and 24 months!

My friend, it is time to WAKE UP, the SURVIVAL OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!

WE CAN AND MUST WIN THE BATTLE TO PROTECT MARRIAGE!

IF WE DON’T, AMERICA WILL NOT SURVIVE BECAUSE:
1. Homosexual adoption will be instantly legalized and generations of children will be raised in unnatural environments - deprived of a mother and a father.

2. Schools will teach your children that two men “marrying” each other is the same as one man and one woman, marrying each other!

3. Young boys and girls will be taught how to perform “safe sodomy” on each other in sex education classes.

4. YOUR CHURCH will have to abandon Scripture and “marry” homosexuals or lose their tax exempt status or worse yet - BE SHUT DOWN if they refuse to marry two men or two women!

TWO HOMOSEXUAL MEN donated $100,000 to LEGALIZE HOMOSEXUAL “MARRIAGE”!

We NEED EVERYONE TOGETHER, TO DONATE $100,000 to SAVE MARRIAGE!

The Christian Family Coalition, has fought and WON against the RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA, whether it’s special rights or homosexual indoctrination of kindergarten children!

PLEASE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW,

We ARE challenging YOU and thousands of Christians, just like you, TO MATCH DOLLAR FOR DOLLAR, this $100,000 assault on our families!

If homosexual extremists can DONATE $100,000 for a LIE!,

Then Christians across AMERICA can also donate $100,000 for the TRUTH - that MARRIAGE =ONE MAN + ONE WOMAN!

We only NEED 4,000 Christians, JUST LIKE YOU, to donate $25 each, we will reach our $100,000 GOAL!

WE KNOW THERE ARE AT LEAST 4,000 Christians, JUST LIKE YOU, who can donate at least $25!

Please, dig deep into your pockets, and make your EMERGENCY DONATION right now,

DON’T ALLOW any more time pass, WE MUST PROTECT AND DEFEND MARRIAGE IN AMERICA TODAY, RIGHT NOW!

WE CAN AND WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!

After you make your EMERGENCY DONATION, PLEASE pass on this alert to EVERYONE on YOUR E-MAIL LIST AND ASK THEM TO ALSO MAKE AN EMERGENCY DONATION

We are waiting on your EMERGENCY CONTRIBUTION TODAY!

The very survival of our nation is at stake!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, and so is our lunch.

Posted by The Twins at July 20, 2004 02:25 PM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:
/cgi-bin/mt-tb.cgi/335

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference IF IT WEREN'T SERIOUS THEY WOULDN'T USE THE CAPITAL LETTERS:

» Heads-up from Blogatron
A quick note for the people who might read this in the next two hours or so: According to the Human Rights Campaign, Congress is set to vote on the Marriage Protection Act today between 1:00 and 2:30. More info... [Read More]

Tracked on July 22, 2004 11:15 AM

» The Stupidest Arguments Against Marriage Equality from Alas, a Blog
In general, in my posts about same-sex marriage, I try to link to and criticize the very best arguments of the anti-SSM crowd. There are a bunch of reasons to do this: it's more honest, it forces my arguments to... [Read More]

Tracked on July 23, 2004 02:43 PM

» The Stupidest Arguments Against Marriage Equality from Alas, a Blog
In general, in my posts about same-sex marriage, I try to link to and criticize the very best arguments of the anti-SSM crowd. There are a bunch of reasons to do this: it's more honest, it forces my arguments to... [Read More]

Tracked on July 23, 2004 02:46 PM

» The Stupidest Arguments Against Marriage Equality from Alas, a Blog
In general, in my posts about same-sex marriage, I try to link to and criticize the very best arguments of the anti-SSM crowd. There are a bunch of reasons to do this: it's more honest, it forces my arguments to... [Read More]

Tracked on July 23, 2004 02:51 PM

» The Stupidest Arguments Against Marriage Equality from Alas, a Blog
In general, in my posts about same-sex marriage, I try to link to and criticize the very best arguments of the anti-SSM crowd. There are a bunch of reasons to do this: it's more honest, it forces my arguments to... [Read More]

Tracked on July 23, 2004 02:53 PM

» The Stupidest Arguments Against Marriage Equality from Alas, a Blog
In general, in my posts about same-sex marriage, I try to link to and criticize the very best arguments of the anti-SSM crowd. There are a bunch of reasons to do this: it's more honest, it forces my arguments to... [Read More]

Tracked on July 23, 2004 02:55 PM

» Heads-up from Blogatron
A quick note for the people who might read this in the next two hours or so: According to the Human Rights Campaign, Congress is set to vote on the Marriage Protection Act today between 1:00 and 2:30. More info... [Read More]

Tracked on August 15, 2004 07:26 PM

Comments

This is brilliant, I want to raise $100,000 too.

Except I wouldn't use it to save marriage, I'd use it to buy a really big pool. A gay pool. "Jeff's gay pool" I'd call it. And people would get in it and be all gay.

And then we'd all talk about marriage and sodomy and beastiality which is what gays do. And foreigners. (Not the band Foreigner. Real foreigners from France and Mexico. )

Posted by: Jeff at July 20, 2004 02:36 PM

I decided to write them back:

Hi there,
I'm sure you know that all of your little bullet
points down there are totally false (particularly
since #4 is SPECIFICALLY addressed in the
legislation as not requiring any religious
institution to marry gay couples), but someone
over there sure is creative! #3 is my especially
special favorite.

And by the way, no one likes to be shouted at in
emails.

Many fond regards.

Posted by: EV at July 20, 2004 02:41 PM

Man, I *wish* someone had taught me sodomy in school. It took me years to get it right!

Posted by: phil at July 20, 2004 03:50 PM

Not only are they gay parents, but they're also (shudder) PHILANTHROPISTS.

The horror. My god, the horror.

Posted by: Girl-C at July 20, 2004 04:44 PM

By the way, I'd like to know just how you got onto this Christian Family Coalition list. Have you been ordering Sunday frocks from Lydia of Purple again?

Posted by: Girl-C at July 20, 2004 05:07 PM

wait a minute. what about the pork? where's the pork?!

geez. how i'm gonna be in suspense all night wondering what EV's favorite pork product is.

Posted by: snowy at July 20, 2004 08:50 PM

Sorry Snowy, I hope you got a few nods last night. Trying to choose my favorite pork product is like trying to choose between Lambada and The Forbidden Dance is Lambada, but if forced I would say either bacon or honey baked ham (the kind you buy at the honey baked ham store, not the deli kind).

Posted by: EV at July 21, 2004 09:22 AM

My favorite part (well aside from the frothing hysterical homophobia, of course!) is the way the whole thing smacks vaguely of a note passed in junior high. "ONE MAN + ONE WOMAN = TOGETHA 4EVA!!!!" XO, THE CHRISTIANS

Posted by: hilatron at July 21, 2004 10:22 AM

i like the part where, about halfway down, they're like PLEASE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW, and i'm like, yeah, same to you, buddy.

Posted by: bryan at July 21, 2004 10:42 AM

C-- Just that one jumper with the irises for Palm Sunday-- I never thought it would land me on a political list of some sort. My word.

Posted by: EV at July 21, 2004 10:53 AM

This really is brilliant. Feed off the idiocy of right wing Christians to make money... I wonder if this is fraud? Hm... I'll have to think of a legal way to suck them dry. Maybe I can learn that in the new sex ed class! Head spinning... too many thoughts at once.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at July 21, 2004 02:54 PM

Damn, all they taught us in sex ed is that tampons lead to pregnancy.

Posted by: nikita at July 23, 2004 11:20 AM