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July 06, 2004

And so, their asses were boycotted

Learning disabilities present a significant challenge to many students and therefore educators. Recent estimates indicate that 15 percent of all Americans have some form of learning disability, for which various therapies and individual study plans are necessary to reach learning potential. Besides having troubling symptoms of clinical procrastination, Girl-E has never been diagnosed with an LD, and has generally been considered rather teachable. However, it has come to our attention that perhaps she has fallen through the cracks, that she does infact have a learning disorder that was not discovered in time for adequate treatment. We believe that this is the only explanation for the fact that after the Lambada fiasco of a few weeks ago, which should have provided a lasting and hard-learned lesson, she actually believed that this weekend it would be amusing to watch that movie's fellow 1990 production and rival, The Forbidden Dance Is Lambada.

Let it be known the world over that all cinematic crimes committed by Lambada are mere child's play compared to those of The Forbidden Dance Is Lambada. We are actually having fond memories of Blade and Shabba Doo, as we endure thoughts of the marring and unbearable nonsense of Nisa and Jason. Apparently, the two movies were respectively made by two brothers who had been working on films together (i.e., Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo) but then had a feud right before beginning work on a Lambada-related project-- the result is that they split up and each made their own craptastic tour de farce chronicling the incredibly social equalizing powers of the world's smuttiest dance.

So, to test your engagement in social activism and world affairs, we challenge you to the following edition of the Foreign Service Exam based on "plot" elements of The Forbidden Dance is Lambada:

1) Protagonist Nisa is:
a. an Amazonian jungle princess
b. a skilled practioner of the noble and ancient dance known as Lambada
c. about as Brazilian looking as Uma Thurman
d. all of the above

2) When the U.S.-based Petramco Corporation starts burning her tribe's rainforest, Nisa:
a. goes to their headquarters in L.A. to have a conversation with the chairman (pronounced "Chair-man")
b. brings her tribe's witch doctor to cause injury and mayhem to those who stand in her way
c. becomes a maid for a snotty, bigotted Beverly Hills family while she plots her strategy
d. all of the above

3) The family's hedonistic and pretty son Jason:
a. goes out dancing all night every night
b. wears Cavaricci pants
c. sees Nisa doing the Lambada with herself in her bedroom, because that's what Brazilians do when they're alone, and invites her out dancing in his mother's dress because his girlfriend Ashley cancels on him
d. all of the above

4) All of Jason's friends and family:
a. are blonde
b. are flaming bigots
c. refer to Nisa using terms such as "wetback" and "beaner" immediately upon meeting her, even though she looks like she just stepped off the set of "Just Shoot Me"
d. all of the above

5) When Jason's parents become furious that he has taken "the hired help" dancing, Nisa:
a. runs out of the house 5 minutes later never to return
b. takes a job as a "dancer" at a "night club" called Xtasy to earn money... for her tribe
c. becomes the belle of the brothel, particularly after Mickey, the conniving madame, learns Nisa is Brazilian, because "all Brazilians can dance"
d. all of the above

6) After Jason learns of Nisa's whereabouts from Ashley, who is fiendishly delighted, Jason:
a. goes to Nisa and rescues her from Mickey, who has threatened to call the INS if her moneymaking "Queen of the Jungle" leaves
b. asks his parents to help Nisa's tribe, and upon their refusal flies into a tirade about ignorance and bigotry and the plight of the rainforest and witch doctors
c. asks Nisa to be his Lambada partner to audition for the Kid Creole and the Coconuts show, which will put them on national TV where they can expose Petramco, and leads to a sequence of Dirty Dancing-esque "rehearsal scenes" complete with various colorful costumes, bloopers, and kissing
d. all of the above

7) Nisa's trusted friend and fellow domestic worker Carmen:
a. gives them money for the witch doctor's plane ticket back to Brazil to report to the tribe on Nisa's progress
b. does the lambada and has sex with the witch doctor on the couch, turning her ceramic Virgin Mary to face the wall
c. holds a condom right up to the camera and then slips it under Jason and Nisa's bedroom door
d. all of the above

8) Furious from rejection, Ashley:
a. teams up with a Petramco executive to foil Nisa and Jason's plan
b. choreographs a hot non-Lambada dance number for the audtion with her new partner in matching gold and black outfits
c. gets a perm
d. all of the above

9) After Jason and Nisa win the competition:
a. Nisa is kidnapped by the Petramco executive and forced to give him a private Lambada show
b. Jason injures his ankle in the process of rescuing Nisa while the Petramco exec watches and throws down his cowboy hat in annoyance for some reason has no gun or guards or anything to stop them
c. Jason is unable to dance until the witch doctor arrives at the studio with Nisa's father, in full Indian garb and headdress, and has a snake bite Jason to heal his ankle, which naturally is effective
d. all of the above

10) After Jason and Nisa's smoking hot Lambada number on national television:
a. Nisa tells Kid Creole and the millions at home that she is an Amazonian princess who must return to her home before it's too late.
b. Kid Creole wonders aloud what she means, and is shocked and horrified to learn of Petramco's antics in the rainforest
c. Exclaims "well hell, let's boycott their asses!", which is the last line of the movie.
d. all of the above

The person with the most correct answers will win a free order of fried plantains. Good luck.

Posted by The Twins at July 6, 2004 12:23 PM

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Dude, you never mentioned that Nisa, Jungle Princess, is played by the glamorous Laura Harring of Mulholland Drive! She apparently is Mexican, by the way...

Man, think of it: it's a long long way from Forbidden Dance to David Lynch.

Or is it?

Posted by: Girl-C at July 6, 2004 01:11 PM

Omigod, I *knew* that was her-- I don't know why I didn't consciously freak out about it. Her acting skills have most definitely improved.

And no, it's really not.

Posted by: EV at July 6, 2004 01:29 PM

For some reason, I *so* want to see this movie now.

Posted by: Hilatron at July 6, 2004 03:05 PM

Do they ever show what happened to Jason and Nisa or the fine folks at Petramco? Or did they leave it open for "Lambada II...We Weren't Kidding, It's Forbidden!"

Posted by: Jeff at July 6, 2004 04:25 PM