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March 31, 2004

My Big Fat Constitutional Convention*

*2004 Diarist Award finalist for Best Account of a Public or News Event on a Weblog. Sweet!

StateHouseFlag.jpg

It is indeed possible to be totally devastated and gloriously optimistic at the same time. It must be, because this is exactly how Girl-E felt when she, Nikita and Girl-C left the Massachusetts State House on Monday evening. Before we proceed, let us recognize that the world does not need another blog entry explaining the philosophical nuances of the argument for gay marriage, or why a "separate but equal" civil unions law written into the Constitution is almost worse than nothing. We would feel remiss, however, in spending such an amazing and emotionally charged day without sharing something to chew on re: the following topics:

CIVILIZED SOCIETY IS GOVERNED BY FLOW CHARTS
By now you've probably heard that the Massachusetts Legislature gave initial approval to a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman, but establishing civil unions with all the rights and responsibilities of legal marriage (which does not apply to Federal benefits without the word "marriage"). But what you may not be familiar with is the swashbuckling Choose Your Own Adventure on which this particular amendment has embarked. After passing three votes on March 11, this amendment had to pass three more on Monday. But wait, there's more!! If it failed either of the first two votes, the wiley kids would have to consider further amendments, which were way shittier than our protagonist. The permutations of possibility were mindboggling, as you may or may not be able to ascertain from our Big Fat Constitutional Convention gameboard below:

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If you note the position of the origami swan, you will see that our stalwart but monumentally confused little guy was able to fight off the Dementors in the form of greater evils. The final vote was his last hope to begin the process of fucking up the Constitution, and he prevailed by a measley 5 votes. But he has to pass Go during the '05-'06 legislative session, by which time gay couples will have been throwing biodegradable bird seed down wedding aisles and joy will have been abounding for a year. Another glorious year will pass before Junior can whine and yank on the pant legs of the voters for approval, voters who may be inclined to spoil him now, but will likely punish him when they find out that he peed in their lovely gay neighbors' pool.

SENATE PRESIDENT ROBERT TRAVAGLINI IS A HILARIOUS BITCH
Trav may have sponsored this amendment, but his behavior, not to mention his purple tie, was a dead giveaway that he would gladly Kung Fu the crap out of the real bad guys. First of all, he was a dead ringer for Girl-E's 8th grade math teacher in the shrillness and frequency with which he told the chatty, disrespectful, note-passing Members to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. When Representative George Peterson doubted the ruling of the Chair on a petty procedural issue, Trav bellowed out "The gentleman's point of order is not well taken." When Peterson tried this like three more times, we half expected Trav to reply "the Chair recognizes the distinguished Big Fat Baby from Grafton". He continued to bitch-slap every grumbling conservative who tried to sabotage the whole idea of any rights for gays and lesbians throughout the day, and it was masterfully hysterical.

REPRESENTATIVE DAN BOSLEY FROM NORTH ADAMS IS A SAINT OF A MAN WITH WICKED GOOD TASTE IN ROCK MUSIC
The second time that Senor Big Fat Baby from Grafton tried to make a big fat babyish objection, Bosley hopped up and said, "Mr. President, Same as it ever was, same as it ever was."

THE MASSACHUSETTS LEGISLATURE WILL SOON BE RELEASING "TUNES TO VOTE BY" (NO CODs)
Unlike the Senators who are small enough in number to vote by Yeas and Neighs, the Big Fat House Members vote by a little electronic doo-hickey. While they are trying to figure out how this works, the local PBS coverage (also playing to those inside the State House) plays a delightful selection of elevator music ranging from New Age to Smooth (i.e. white) Jazz, to 80s guitar rock (think emotional moments in Top Gun).

ALL POLICY CREATION IN THE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS IS A SLAVE TO THE WHIMSY OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ, aka SENATE CLERK WILLIAM F. WELCH
This man is the little guy behind the big scary head. If there's one lesson to be learned in this whole thing, it is not to fuck with him.

REPRESENTATIVE CYNTHIA STONE CREEM TOTALLY WENT THERE
While Equal Protection arguments are certainly powerful and valid, there are practical issues at stake when gays and lesbians are not allowed to marry, which a lot of people avoid bringing up because they're pussies. Representative Cynthia Stone Creem totally went there.

BIG FAT LOSERS TRY TO PASS THEMSELVES OFF AS BIG FAT PILGRIMS
One of the literally bogus arguments used constantly by the opponents of gay marriage is that it threatens religious freedom because churches will be legally obligated to perform marriages for same-sex couples. Discounting, of course, the fact that part of the Court decision legalizing gay marriage states "under this ruling, no religious institution will be legally obligated to perform marriages for same-sex couples." One such Big Fat imbecile who attempted to recycle this argument was passionately pleading with his distinguished colleagues to recognize that our country was founded by those who fled from religious persecution, and that legalizing gay marriage would fly in the face of this (completely moot) ideal we hold so dear. Prompting Girl-E to stand up among the throngs of gay marriage supporters and cry "Remember King George!!"

HOW TO DEFY THE CROSSING GUARDS FOR CHRIST
The most stalwart of anti-gay protesters never leave home without their huge florescent orange airport-tarmac-worker apron-things that say something about Jesus. Girl-E and Nikita literally had to link arms with a bunch of other gay marriage supporters to blockade the Crossing Guards from invading our dance space. You'd think that people wearing large orange aprons would have no qualms about taking a running start and busting through the wall, but as Nikita so astutely pointed out, keeping them at bay required only stepping back close enough to "put the gay on them".

THE CROSSING GUARDS FOR CHRIST ARE POTTY MOUTHS
While the good guys chanted things like "love not hate" and "equal rights," the orange guys chanted "Jesus Christ" over and over. It was so inappropriate. As was the lady who spent hours throwing her head back and howling "JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUUUUUUSSSS! JEEEEEEEEESSSSUUUSSSS!"

HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ISSUE
When you're in a big, beautiful room full of beautiful people, who are talking and hugging and laughing about only good, beautiful things, and the speeches coming from the good guys on the Gallery floor make you weep with joy and radiant optimism for the future of the human race.

MC E-qualZ saying Love Not Hate y'all.
Equalz.jpg

**Nikita contributed to this report.

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March 30, 2004

Interlude

Sorry, it's been a tad busy today, plus we realize that the account of our day at the State House is going to be a literary and photographic epic. In the mean time, you can read another new story in Subterra, this one considerably less psycho than the other one.

Posted by The Twins at 02:53 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 29, 2004

My Big Fat Constitutional Convention, Preface

Wow, what a day. We are too dopey and exhausted to go all into it now, but as Girl-E and Nikita spent all day collecting pure GOLD in terms of blog material, we'll get to that after a good night's sleep.

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March 28, 2004

We're in love with the drag kings

Enjoy...

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Is it Sunday already?

It's transition-free list day again today, kids. But not all changes in life have perfect transitions, so we see this as, like, art imitating life, or something.

1) Girl-E does actually have a few friends that she didn't meet on the internet. Just so you know.

2) The Massachusetts Constitutional Convention reconvenes tomorrow, and therefore the powerhouse caravan of Girl-E and Nikita will be heading back there to chant, and sing, and lobby, and burn their bras, and... oh wait, that's a different protest. Well, whatever, if you live in or near Massachusetts and feel strongly about this issue, we heartily encourage you to join us. The Mass Equality crew needs as many bodies and voices as it can get to battle the hoards of psychos. You should know, though, that the good guys don't engage in physical or verbal combat, so you will not be in the position of swatting away slingshotted bibles or anything. Email us for info.

3) As soon as you finish reading this, go right out and buy Simple Truths, the latest CD by the Holmes Brothers. Wait, not yet, we're not finished. Words can't describe the good feelings it will give you. When Girl-E saw them on Thursday, it was not just the post-scorpion bowl euphoria/stupor which convinced her that they are the best blues band, ever. It was also rad that her seat was such that she was basically sitting on the piano bench with Wendell. She challenged him to a Chopsticks duet, but it didn't fly.

4) Spike and Mike's Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation is coming! Spike and Mike's Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation is coming!!!

5) Girl-E's latest article (and most non-sensical fucked-up drivel if you ask us) is up on Subterra, if you care.

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March 27, 2004

Finders Fee

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March 26, 2004

The post formerly known as Leather and Lace***

During one of Girl-E's high school Spanish classes, the teacher stepped outside for a minute to talk to another teacher just before she was about to give the class a test. At that moment, it took Girl-E's crafty friend Brandon all of 20 seconds to go straight to the teacher's desk, find the folder with the answer key, absorb its contents, and shout out "Camels Cuddle Big Bad-Ass Bryan Adams! CAMELS CUDDLE BIG BAD-ASS BRYAN ADAMS!!!" so that the rest of the class would know the answers to the first seven multiple choice questions.

We're telling you this because 10 minutes after her meet-up with the bad-ass camel-cuddler himself, this story was about all that Girl-E could remember about the past 27 years*. Within a span of 85 minutes, without even knowing it, they each managed to consume what Bryan nicely referred to as "only one-half of two scorpion bowls". It didn't help that they were literally the only two people in the bar, so there was no people-watching available to slow them down. The moral of the story is that you just don't take a Princeton girl and an MIT frat boy** and drop them into an empty bar that serves its alcohol in troughs. She's fine this morning because it was early enough in the evening, but she's seriously considering becoming a Buddhist.

So Bry, whaddya say, hot chocolate next week?

*We're just kidding Bryan, of course she remembers everything you said. Your girlfriend's studying to be an actress, you're originally from Iowa, and the married friends that you hang out with all the time are Anarchists. Right? ;)

**These are the work hard/play hard capitals of North America, in case you didn't know. It's been written about in magazines.

***The age-old question of whether this Stevie Nicks duet is with Bryan Adams or Don Henley has recently been answered by about 3 minutes of Googling, and we are sad to report in this context that it is indeed Don Henley, making this original title lose all of its fraudulent appeal. We are happy to report it in general though, because we would much, much rather it be Don Henley.

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March 25, 2004

P.S.

This is so great.

P.P.S. The newspaper linked to above has printed a Letter to the Editor this week written by Girl-E, arguing with one of their columnists. This same paper is where her Drag King feature will be published in a few weeks. She has a feeling the Opinion Editor and the Arts Editor have not talked. Is there anyone out there who knows anything about journalism who thinks she should be concerned about this?

P.P.P.S. You may wonder, given the above, why she wrote the Letter to the Editor in the first place when she had an assignment from the Arts Editor. Well, she can be pretty stupid.

Posted by The Twins at 12:22 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Que limpia!

Girl-E's apartment was visited yesterday by El Angel del Santo Jabonito, known in the States as the New Cleaning Lady. When she arrived home last night, the dishes were done, the stove looked white again, the cats smelled like Pine Sol, it was glorious. Of course there was still shit lying all around, but it was clean shit. It will take The Dude and her about 12 hours to screw it all up again, but at least they'll feel guilty about it, which is a start.

In other news (wow, we are really unimaginative in the transition department these days), they are going to a show tonight of one of the best blues bands ever. They're gathering every resident of the Dude Family Compound (that is the one-mile radius in which all six members of The Dude's immediate family live) and landing on a local jazz club. Every few months, the six of them go en masse to take in some form of American roots music, the way some families all make a habit to... oh, who knows what normal families do, whatever. Anyway, hopefully the Secret Servicemen will not cause an embarrassing scene like they did at the Sweet Honey in the Rock show.

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March 24, 2004

Kill her television

To hell with The Today Show, really. First the American Idol sobbing incident and now this. Clearly, it is the goal of all television producers to make supposedly intelligent, self-respecting people just throw in the towel and start buying Celine Dion albums. This morning, Lester (filling in for Matt) interviewed a little girl who won a Sears-sponsored essay contest on the topic "Why I'm proud of the member of my family in the Armed Forces." This 11-year-old beat out 15,000 other kids with the most unimaginative, cliched ditty on how her daddy is making the world safer. Sure it was probably sincere, and sort of well-written for an 11-year-old, but barf. Anyway, after the girl read part of her essay, Lester asked her what was the first thing she would do when her daddy came home after being gone for the better part of a year. "Big hug!", said she. Then, he asked her when her daddy was coming home, and she said four days after she and her mom would get home from New York. "Huh," said Lester, "I think maybe you have some wrong information, because he's here right now!" The ensuing scene was exactly what you would expect, and sadly succeeded in driving both the scoffing Girl-E AND Lester to tears. Then there was the added revelation that since Dad had been gone, Mom had decided to take better care of herself and lost 68 pounds, and wow didn't she look fabulous. This world is going to hell.

In other news, Girl-E is reading 1950s smut, and it's fucking great. The Feminist Press at CUNY has re-released a series of mid-20th century pulp fiction written by women which was steamy and subversive as all get-out but ignored by straight-laced mainstream America because it was sold for 25 cents at gas stations. The title at hand is a lesbian pulp novel with the tagline "small town girls and big city passions collide." So far there's been rape, seduction by beatnik poets and 50 cent lunches at Walgreens, and she's only on page 53. Screw you, Today Show, we'll get our Americana elsewhere.

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March 23, 2004

This post is not about 1968

While the daily mandatory 8 hours of following orders have been bringing her down lately, Girl-E is really starting to appreciate the high quality of the rest of her hours. Besides work and cleaning the cat box, lots of things have been making her really quite happy. Weekends have been spent drinking cocktails and listening to the people she loves say funny things. She's been exposed to lots of inspirational talent in every artistic genre. She's been given actual money to sing twice in this calendar year. People are letting her write for the general public. She's made some amazing new friends, one of whom sang Steely Dan's "Peg" just for her at an open mic last night (in an attempt to restore our musical credibility, let us say that the quality of this song has far more longevity than any momentary romance with 80s pop tunes).

After months of hilarity-riddled apoplexy brought on by reading Aaron's blog, she finally met him last night and got proof that he truly is constantly entertaining, verbally and musically. They also were clearly subjects of the same mind-altering experiments as infants, because they simultaneously invented the word 'plagiaristic' when it seemed to be the only appropriate non-word in that moment's context. The only visible thing wrong with him is that he is hot for Rod Stewart. Anyway, for some unknown reason he lives in New Hampshire, which would have been convenient back when she couldn't get tattoos in Massachusetts, but now she's going to have to feed him false information about Pokemon conventions in Boston.

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March 22, 2004

Girl love

We can't possibly do justice to last night's drag king show until we post pictures, except for unfortunately Girl-E took crappy pictures. But we'll show you a few acceptable ones within the next day or two. Let's just say that these young ladies were genius. Most of the show was lipsynching, but it was the context and costuming of each song that made it brilliant. For example, they did "Freedom '90" as a Bush-Kerry debate -- if you think about the lyrics to that song, it's frigging perfect. They also performed "Father Figure" as two gay men telling one of their bible-thumping fathers about their relationship, it was heartbreaking. And yes, they are fans of George Michael, clearly. But they also did their famous smokin' re-enactment of "Thriller," and many others that we could explain but would end up boring you with because you weren't there. One of the girls was such a cute boy that Girl-E totally wanted to make out with her. The girls were also just ridiculously nice, and she almost wished they didn't already have a femme in the group. If lesbians have the equivalent of fag hags, she's discovered she'd probably enjoy being one of them. Well except that a real equivalent would be a guy, but whatever.

Anyway, now we're just pissy because Girl-E thought she had an 8:30 meeting, and then was told when she got here that she didn't have to go. What we're going to do with all of this extra awake time we have no idea.

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March 21, 2004

'All I Need is a Miracle' by Mike and the Mechanics is the best song EVER!!!

Really. Best song ever.

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March 19, 2004

Dancing and Drag Kings and Maids, oh my!

This will undoubtedly come as a surprise to anyone living in the Northeast, but did you know that tomorrow is the first day of Spring? No shit! As we glance out at the vast steppe of snow which the courtyard has become, we agree that the Equinox is clearly stoned out of its mind. It's criminal that just two weeks from Daylight Savings, Girl-E still has to wear a winter hat, or as you Canadians would call, a "tooke" (took? whatever). Of course this doesn't bother her mother, who as most of you know, thinks Girl-E looks TOO CUTE in hats. And of course this doesn't bother her mother, who lives in Southern California.

This weekend of transition is shaping up to be quite ecclectic indeed. Tonight, Girl-E and The Dude are joining a gaggle of folks for a pool (billiards, obviously-- see snow comment above) party that her friend won from Mr. Tux. We don't try to understand it, we're just going for the beer. Tomorrow, after a rehearsal with the disco band, the NEW CLEANING LADY is coming over for an estimate. Woot woot! Against the formidable foe of The Dude's frugal ways, Girl-E kicked and screamed and whined and pouted her way to a once-a-month once-over by a paid professional. To be honest, it's not just that she's a princess (although she is)-- it's that she is the most inept housekeeper ever to grace a hardwood floor. When she tries to clean she just makes things messier. And her mood afterwards is quite unappealing. So this is a very exciting development indeed. Sunday is also exciting, on which Girl-E is covering a Drag King show for a local weekly. She went to the featured act's rehearsal last night, and it's going to be HOT. You totally need to be there.

Alright, she seems about 30 seconds away from wandering around the building in a stupor looking for something to eat, so we'll see you all later. Happy "Spring".

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March 18, 2004

Speaking of cake

This is for you, Ponytail Man. We are just total suckers for those puppy dog eyes. And the NPR-style whining.

(To all others, excuse us for this brief aside-- we generally try to be universal.)

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March 17, 2004

Make it stop.

It's surreal and endless. It's like waking up every morning and realizing it's been the same day for weeks. Someone should make a movie about that. Anyway, we are trapped in a spiral of infinite hell, a constant demand for more, more, more. It's the NPR fundraising campaign.

Don't get us wrong, public radio fulfills a very important need in the information industry. Who can forget their "No Stories About Michael Jackson News Marathon" a few months ago? And we've spent more hours in Lake Wobegone than we care to admit. But can't they just get more money from the Powder Milk Biscuit people? We don't need a new sweatshirt for a $100 contribution. And we definitely don't need the WGBH premium chocolates. They manage to work it into everything, too. "Snow squalls will continue this afternoon, with temperatures dropping into the 20s-- but consider how you can warm up from the cozy, satisfying feeling of contributing $50, $100, $150 dollars to support our meteorological department."

Alls we know is, we get flashbacks of walking through the streets of Istanbul being chased down by a guy selling toy tops. That combination of monumental annoyance and nagging guilt that we're ruining the world by keeping our money. And then the horror mulitplies because they schedule it at the same time every year as Girl Scout Cookie season. We can't stay home nor leave the house. The struggling organizations that make the world a better place are everywhere, spreading their wholesome evil of give, give, give. We can't take it anymore. Excuse us while we run screaming to Starbucks and The Gap.

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March 16, 2004

Happy Bloggiversary to us, we look like a monkey, yadda yadda

Well, kids, today's the day, our one-year bloggiversary. It seems like just yesterday that we posted this in a Turkish child-induced delerium. We spent the whole day musing on how goddam funny we were, and how this was going to be the greatest thing ever. The former sentiment was clearly a product of the delerium, but the latter still holds. We wish we could come up with some hilarious, creative way to celebrate this year, but at the moment all we can say is thank you and thank you again to everyone who spends a second of their day stopping by to visit, to the people we've met through this weird little world, in person and otherwise, and all of the other bloggers who make us think, cry, and crack our shit up every day.

E-cards can be sent to thetwins@boo-blog.com. Just kidding.

xoxox,
Leto & Roz

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March 15, 2004

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE DUDE!

The Dude's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny! He's smart, sexy, adorable, and 28 today!

Alrighty, now look at the pix below.

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March 14, 2004

15,000 words

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As promised, photos from our defense against the defense of marriage. By the way, we're going back March 29th -- you need to come too.

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March 12, 2004

Brief addendum #3 (sorry)

Since Nikita has done such an excellent and entertaining job of describing our experience yesterday, we're taking the lazy way out and just sending you over there. We will post pictures later, but for now just start thinking of names for Nikita's demon.

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Brief Addenda

1) Find the back of Girl-E's head in this picture from today's Boston Globe.

2) Our favorite quote from an opponent of gay marriage: "Guys are going to be walking down the street, holding hands and kissing, and babies' eyes are all around. You need to look out for the children." -Shadisa Casellas, 22

God, can you imagine gay couples showing their affection in public? How could the Supreme Judicial Court allow that to happen? Shouldn't the people take a vote on that or something?

Posted by The Twins at 11:14 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

and the band marches on...

too mentally and emotionally exhausted to give a full account of yesterday's 13 hours at the state house with nikita, but we will soon, at least with pictures. what we'll say right now is that while the ending was disappointing, it was a truly moving and inspiring experience. we haven't given up hope, not by a long shot.

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March 10, 2004

Puh-leez

We, um, don't know how to say this, but since we tell you people everything... Girl-E just fucking cried during American Idol. We are so embarrassed. It's like, ok, sure, George is beyond adorable, and no one is even close to as grateful and full of joy as he is, and it was heart breaking when he didn't advance but then Simon just picked him from the Wild Cards to go into the finals, and his sister was bawling her head off, and if you had a brother you'd want him to be just like George. But girl, the crying? Shit. The only thing that can possibly make up for this is the fact that she's going to rabble-rouse at the State House all day tomorrow to save gay marriage. If you see her, tell her that no matter what, she is NOT allowed to ask fellow protesters if they watched American Idol last night. Talk about losing cred.

By the way, do NOT tell her we told you about the crying.

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She's just a girl

Girl-E wins the batbrain award for this week (note that the only other contender is the stupider of the cats-- they're tied for the season). She not only seems to have lost her subway pass, which is a hugely annoying deal, but realized this morning that she left her driver's license in her jeans last night, which she TOTALLY KNEW she was going to do and did it anyway. It wouldn't matter except that she has a 'meeting' at a bar after work, and she's going to have to try out a combination of her work ID and her registration card from a hospital which happens to have her birthdate on it. This is after she walked out of a 'meeting' at another bar last night without her bag. Rock on, slick.

In other news, three snaps to Kat and her supahfun BF for not only coming to karaoke last night, but WOWING the crowd with their performances of No Doubt's "Spiderwebs" and Zepplin's "Dancing Days", respectively. Oh, did we mention these were their VIRGIN performances? It took Girl-E a good year of karaoke before rising above the rank of skiddish fucktard on stage.

In some good news, Girl-E has been collecting more writing assignments from semi-reputable publications. In some bad news, we're going to have to break it to her that she does, in fact, have an actual full-time job, and the chances of her not being in an anxious frenzy at the deadlines are zero.

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March 08, 2004

Feeling your face is overrated

Girl-E spent 73 straight hours this weekend without ever leaving her house. During that time, she only changed out of her pajamas once to take a shower, and then put them back on again. The cause of this hermitry (that's a new word, like it?) was the evil flu-y cold bug that hits her every couple of months, and still hasn't gone away. Staying home from work today was not an option what with deadlines upcoming, but at the moment she's so doped up on DayQuil and snot-encased braincells that her hands are totally disjointed from her body. Watching them type on their own is fascinating. Maybe she should join the circus. Or Disneyland. Or the... what were we talking about? Thirsty. byE.

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March 06, 2004

Steer clear of pidgeon holes

When Girl-E was growing up, there were three movies that she would watch every single time they were on TV. They weren't the best movies ever, but somehow they had a special place in her after school/at home sick/weekend heart. Those movies are His Girl Friday with Rosalind Russel and Cary Grant, Pillow Talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson, and Just one of the Guys with no one anyone knows except for William Zabka. Ok, a few people know Arye Gross and Billy Jacoby. Anyway, as if the world were governed by a unifying pattern, while she was lying on the couch today dog sick with a cold, what should come on TV but Just One of the Guys. Having not seen it in at least a few years, she was understandably excited.

If you haven't seen the movie, whatever, really don't worry about it. It's an 80s high school movie where a girl dresses up like a guy to prove a point, blah blah. And of course, William Zabka plays the big jerk bully popular guy who gets his in the end. And we were thinking, William Zabka's life must suck. He made his big jerk bully debut in Karate Kid and its sequels, then he gets his next break as big jerk bully in Just One of the Guys, then he graduates to the college big jerk bully, with slightly longer hair now, in Back To School. We decided to see what Bill's been doing since then, and he's actually been in a lot of movies -- ridiculous, straight-to-video movies with titles like "Shootfighter" and "Hyper Sonic". One day you're the world's most famous big jerk bully, the next day you're pushing 30 and there are no more bully roles. And no one will hire you as, gasp, a sidekick or romantic lead, because who would want that big jerk bully William Zabka as a sidekick?

Anyway, the point is, diversification is key. Don't let yourself be known as "the guy who always dresses like he thinks he's a professional basketball player," or "the girl who only drinks pinot noir, and will sleep with anyone." Because you'll never break out of it, man. Mix it up.

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March 05, 2004

To all our friends who use Moveable Type:

What the fuck is going on with your sites? Entries are disappearing, and that makes us sad, because we would be spastic if that happened to us, and we don't like thinking about your pain.

Posted by The Twins at 11:46 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Dick and John, always thinkin'

Girl-E reads The Atlantic Monthly, and during the few days it takes her to finish the magazine, she is superbly pretentious. First, she is certain that anyone who bothers to read a series of 8,000 word articles is in the top eschelon of American media consumers. Second, the stories assume a fairly high level of previous knowledge about, say, the events surrounding the fall of the Soviet Union, or the chronology of American military conflicts in the past 10 years. We can tell when she actually gets a story because her continuously knitted brow briefly morphs into a smirk.

This month's issue includes a particularly creepy story about the activities of Dick Cheney and John Ashcroft during the Reagan years. We're thinking of this because within the last hour, Ashcroft has been admitted to intensive care for a "serious pancreatic ailment". And no, we're not going to link to the Eagles Soaring thing. Anyway, in the 1980s, Dick and John, neither of whom ever actually served in the Reagan Administration, set up an elaborate extra-constitutional plan for leading the government during nuclear war with the USSR. Basically, there were several secret locations around the U.S. where they would practice drills with rotating teams of skeleton governments-- each team including a Cabinet secretary, a chief-of-staff-type, and like 60 secret police. The plan was based on the idea that if the President and Vice President were killed in a nuclear attack, it would take too long to go down the chain of succession and legally install a new leader. Convening Congress would also be a drag. So instead, the instant the radiation hit the real Commander in Chief, one of the mini-White Houses would be ready to take over. If location #1 were bombed, location #2 would take over, and so on. This would ensure, they thought, "continuity of government," which would be essential in time of nuclear war. To prove the new President's legitimacy, they'd have him summon a submarine to surface, or some such thing.

Now, we happen to think that in some instances, the government does need to have shady secret plans, because if the rest of us knew about them we would fuck it all up. But this one seems particularly yucky. I mean first of all, the people involved would disappear for days, not even telling their wives where they were(we'd say spouses, but that's probably not necessary). Second, you can't just pick when the Constitution applies-- call us idealists, but we're pretty sure it was designed to apply, like, always. Even during a horrible war, which it seems would be a time you'd particularly want to prevent anarchy. I mean, why not just bring a few slaves with you to the secret hideouts, and plop a cross out front.

After the Soviet Union fell, the exercises stopped-- until September 11, 2001. Remember Cheney and all that "undisclosed location" stuff? Well, they were planning for the possibility that continued attacks would take out Bush and the teams would spring into action. So anyway, that's all pretty fucking scary if you ask us, and we're glad Girl-E's moved on to a story about the guys who keep Lenin's body pretty (you know they do that?).

Posted by The Twins at 09:56 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

March 04, 2004

Kermit is the only crossover

Well hey, it seems to be one of those weeks again when coherent paragraphs have skipped out of our skill set. So enjoy these disjointed sentences.

Ever faithfully, Girl-E did, in fact spill rice all over the floor last night before it got to the rice cooker. We're telling you, if there were an Olympic event for inept handling of packaged food, this girl would be the next Mary Lou Retton. But taller, and more easily winded.

We're pretty psyched for the adorable red-headed 16 year-old who made the American Idol finals last night. He's a total throwback, and nothing like the other wannabe pop stars. And he is getting SO LAID right now.

Say what you will about the decline of writing quality on The West Wing, but they had Muppets last night.

It is becoming increasingly apparent that Girl-E was put on this planet to save other people hours of work.

We totally thought it was Friday all morning. We sure are pissed.

Posted by The Twins at 10:39 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

March 03, 2004

Where are the fancy dresses?

Well, the LoveFest is over, and now the Demons of Daily Existence have swooped in and shackled Girl-E to her swivel chair. For someone whose LDM (Lofty Dream of the Month) is to quit her job and write, she sure is being a big fat baby about all the writing she has to do for work. But it's, you know, like, serious writing. Writing where she can't use the words "schvitz" or "shithoused" or "(insert noun/verb here) on a stick".

Anyway, there's some American Idol to watch right now, and some rice to spill on the floor and eventually cook, so we'll write something real a little later. Happy hump day.

Posted by The Twins at 08:03 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 02, 2004

Karaoke Oscar Leap Day - photographic proof

So let us acknowledge right now that we know the attendees of Karaoke Oscar Leap Day have all been super obnoxious about the awesomeness of the party you were not at. But let us just say that 1)it's impossible not to revel in a really freakin good time, 2)every one of you would have been invited had you all hopped on planes trains or automobiles to be there. It will be annual, so start planning now. Well, except for the Leap Day part. But next Oscar Sunday, you're there.

Anyhoot, here are the pix. Give 'em a minute to load.

Posted by The Twins at 11:10 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Soopah Toosday

In college, Girl-E was in a musical called Pulpit Fiction, in which there was a song called "Super Tuesday", which she has not been able to get out of her head all day. Her classmate who wrote the musical went on to the cast of Second City, breeding ground of most successful comedy writers, and is now writing in Hollywood. The point of that is, she hopes and assumes he has not been able to get "Super Tuesday" out of his head all day either. Though at the moment it's only 8am in California, so "all day" hasn't started yet really.

And the point of that is, today did not inspire the same jolt of excitement that Girl-E usually has on election day. Especially after watching John Kerry talk about marriage versus civil unions on the news this morning. Like most people who insist on the second-class category of civil unions in an effort to "compromise" with conservatives, he said absolutely nothing even remotely convincing about why it's ok to define "marriage" as girl-boy and still have equal rights with civil unions. Anyway, we're not going to get in to all of this right now, because we could go on forever, and pretty much everyone else in the world already is. But the point of all of that is, she suffered from a bout of resignation to reality at the voting booths and voted with the Democratic masses. She had been encouraged by family members to vote for Kucinich just to send a message that there is a progressive block that Kerry will have to answer to, but she just couldn't bring herself to vote for a chihuahua.

Posted by The Twins at 10:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 01, 2004

Whoa.

Totally unbenownst to her, Girl-E apparently got herself shithoused last night. Between the scorpion bowl at 5:00 and the Diet Dew and SoCo at 12:30, she was enjoying the company of others too much to notice what was in her hand at any point. She thought she felt totally fine when she left Nikita's house last night, but then woke up this morning wondering if it was only the morning after her infamous bachelorette party, and the last 3 1/2 years have been nothing but a Jaegermeister-induced hallucination. Anyway, we're glad to see that the blog entry from last night is relatively coherent, and we promise there will be pictures of Weekend with Snowy sometime soon.

Posted by The Twins at 12:17 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

And the winner is....

It's 1:00am, and Girl-E has been drinking since about 5:00... but let us assure you that does not diminish in any way the absolutely amazing time that has been had today with Snowy, who is one of the greatest ladies on earth, as if you didn't know that already. Pictures will follow soon. We've already been hooking her up with every pharmaceutical connection we can think of to get her to move her lovely ass to Boston. And as if tooling around the city in abnormally awesome weather were not enough, the day culminated in the best Karaoke Oscar Party ever, hosted by the fabulous Nikita, and right now everything is right with the world.

Posted by The Twins at 01:10 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack