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March 31, 2004

My Big Fat Constitutional Convention*

*2004 Diarist Award finalist for Best Account of a Public or News Event on a Weblog. Sweet!

StateHouseFlag.jpg

It is indeed possible to be totally devastated and gloriously optimistic at the same time. It must be, because this is exactly how Girl-E felt when she, Nikita and Girl-C left the Massachusetts State House on Monday evening. Before we proceed, let us recognize that the world does not need another blog entry explaining the philosophical nuances of the argument for gay marriage, or why a "separate but equal" civil unions law written into the Constitution is almost worse than nothing. We would feel remiss, however, in spending such an amazing and emotionally charged day without sharing something to chew on re: the following topics:

CIVILIZED SOCIETY IS GOVERNED BY FLOW CHARTS
By now you've probably heard that the Massachusetts Legislature gave initial approval to a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman, but establishing civil unions with all the rights and responsibilities of legal marriage (which does not apply to Federal benefits without the word "marriage"). But what you may not be familiar with is the swashbuckling Choose Your Own Adventure on which this particular amendment has embarked. After passing three votes on March 11, this amendment had to pass three more on Monday. But wait, there's more!! If it failed either of the first two votes, the wiley kids would have to consider further amendments, which were way shittier than our protagonist. The permutations of possibility were mindboggling, as you may or may not be able to ascertain from our Big Fat Constitutional Convention gameboard below:

gameboard1.jpggameboard2.jpggameboard3.jpg

If you note the position of the origami swan, you will see that our stalwart but monumentally confused little guy was able to fight off the Dementors in the form of greater evils. The final vote was his last hope to begin the process of fucking up the Constitution, and he prevailed by a measley 5 votes. But he has to pass Go during the '05-'06 legislative session, by which time gay couples will have been throwing biodegradable bird seed down wedding aisles and joy will have been abounding for a year. Another glorious year will pass before Junior can whine and yank on the pant legs of the voters for approval, voters who may be inclined to spoil him now, but will likely punish him when they find out that he peed in their lovely gay neighbors' pool.

SENATE PRESIDENT ROBERT TRAVAGLINI IS A HILARIOUS BITCH
Trav may have sponsored this amendment, but his behavior, not to mention his purple tie, was a dead giveaway that he would gladly Kung Fu the crap out of the real bad guys. First of all, he was a dead ringer for Girl-E's 8th grade math teacher in the shrillness and frequency with which he told the chatty, disrespectful, note-passing Members to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. When Representative George Peterson doubted the ruling of the Chair on a petty procedural issue, Trav bellowed out "The gentleman's point of order is not well taken." When Peterson tried this like three more times, we half expected Trav to reply "the Chair recognizes the distinguished Big Fat Baby from Grafton". He continued to bitch-slap every grumbling conservative who tried to sabotage the whole idea of any rights for gays and lesbians throughout the day, and it was masterfully hysterical.

REPRESENTATIVE DAN BOSLEY FROM NORTH ADAMS IS A SAINT OF A MAN WITH WICKED GOOD TASTE IN ROCK MUSIC
The second time that Senor Big Fat Baby from Grafton tried to make a big fat babyish objection, Bosley hopped up and said, "Mr. President, Same as it ever was, same as it ever was."

THE MASSACHUSETTS LEGISLATURE WILL SOON BE RELEASING "TUNES TO VOTE BY" (NO CODs)
Unlike the Senators who are small enough in number to vote by Yeas and Neighs, the Big Fat House Members vote by a little electronic doo-hickey. While they are trying to figure out how this works, the local PBS coverage (also playing to those inside the State House) plays a delightful selection of elevator music ranging from New Age to Smooth (i.e. white) Jazz, to 80s guitar rock (think emotional moments in Top Gun).

ALL POLICY CREATION IN THE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS IS A SLAVE TO THE WHIMSY OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ, aka SENATE CLERK WILLIAM F. WELCH
This man is the little guy behind the big scary head. If there's one lesson to be learned in this whole thing, it is not to fuck with him.

REPRESENTATIVE CYNTHIA STONE CREEM TOTALLY WENT THERE
While Equal Protection arguments are certainly powerful and valid, there are practical issues at stake when gays and lesbians are not allowed to marry, which a lot of people avoid bringing up because they're pussies. Representative Cynthia Stone Creem totally went there.

BIG FAT LOSERS TRY TO PASS THEMSELVES OFF AS BIG FAT PILGRIMS
One of the literally bogus arguments used constantly by the opponents of gay marriage is that it threatens religious freedom because churches will be legally obligated to perform marriages for same-sex couples. Discounting, of course, the fact that part of the Court decision legalizing gay marriage states "under this ruling, no religious institution will be legally obligated to perform marriages for same-sex couples." One such Big Fat imbecile who attempted to recycle this argument was passionately pleading with his distinguished colleagues to recognize that our country was founded by those who fled from religious persecution, and that legalizing gay marriage would fly in the face of this (completely moot) ideal we hold so dear. Prompting Girl-E to stand up among the throngs of gay marriage supporters and cry "Remember King George!!"

HOW TO DEFY THE CROSSING GUARDS FOR CHRIST
The most stalwart of anti-gay protesters never leave home without their huge florescent orange airport-tarmac-worker apron-things that say something about Jesus. Girl-E and Nikita literally had to link arms with a bunch of other gay marriage supporters to blockade the Crossing Guards from invading our dance space. You'd think that people wearing large orange aprons would have no qualms about taking a running start and busting through the wall, but as Nikita so astutely pointed out, keeping them at bay required only stepping back close enough to "put the gay on them".

THE CROSSING GUARDS FOR CHRIST ARE POTTY MOUTHS
While the good guys chanted things like "love not hate" and "equal rights," the orange guys chanted "Jesus Christ" over and over. It was so inappropriate. As was the lady who spent hours throwing her head back and howling "JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUUUUUUSSSS! JEEEEEEEEESSSSUUUSSSS!"

HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ISSUE
When you're in a big, beautiful room full of beautiful people, who are talking and hugging and laughing about only good, beautiful things, and the speeches coming from the good guys on the Gallery floor make you weep with joy and radiant optimism for the future of the human race.

MC E-qualZ saying Love Not Hate y'all.
Equalz.jpg

**Nikita contributed to this report.

Posted by The Twins at March 31, 2004 03:15 PM

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For those of you wanting to know what in the hell we did all day Monday, or just want to see EV in a rad-ass hat...I now yield the floor to the distinguished representative from the Boo-blog.... [Read More]

Tracked on March 31, 2004 04:00 PM

Comments

Big fat awesome post! I knew you would do this day justice. Also remember:

...that the symbol of the aprons of the Crossing Guards for Christ - the one with the man figure and the woman figure in the circle - just made it look like they were in favor of unisex bathrooms.

...the wonderful boy with the "G-d created Adam and Yves" sign.

...Rep. Travis's supreme big fat bizarre whiny argument about how if gay marriage comes about, they will be forced to outlaw Mother's Day and Father's Day. Big fat sore loser.

So, next year? Hot date?

Posted by: nikita at March 31, 2004 04:12 PM

You guys are big fat heroes...er, that is, your heroism is big and fat, not you, dammit why am I always the one to take the joke too far? Anyway, big ups to you guys. I wish I did not have to save my vacation days for Project Dad, and could have been there.

I think the next step in this battle is clearly to spend the next year waging a Marry-In, where everyone finds a same-sex partner to get hitched with, thus multiplying as much as possible the potential headaches if this legislation becomes law (and also proving that no matter how many naughty gay marriages take place, the sky continues to remain aloft, the sun still shines, etc.) What say you?

Posted by: Hilatron at March 31, 2004 04:50 PM

The little pictures on that constitutional gameboard totally look, at least in miniature, like the "male" and "female" connectors my grandpa used to have in his basement. I think this means something really profound about marriage, but I don't know what yet.
Man, I used to stare at those things for hours, thinking that they must have something to do with sex. Which, on the one hand, they really don't, but on the other, they totally do.

Posted by: Jess at March 31, 2004 07:09 PM

Hey, did anyone else notice that I spelled "nay" like a horse "neigh"? That's awesome!

Posted by: EV at March 31, 2004 07:09 PM

Tron, much as I would love to marry you as a political statement, don't you worry that the inevitable annulment 2 months later would provide unpleasant fuel for the bad-guy fire?

No matter how much fun it would be to tie up the legal system in endless madness, I think marriage in good faith is probably still the best way to go. Long term. Just to avoid that Time cover story: "Gay People: Why Can't They Stick to Anything?"

Posted by: Girl-C at March 31, 2004 08:31 PM

girl, you're kick-ass! thanks for the low-down on your experience of watching government in action. definitely interesting.

Posted by: kat at March 31, 2004 09:49 PM

By the way, I realize I made the photo a bit small, but that is in fact a Human Rights Campaign lid I'm wearing. The father-in-law gave them to everyone for Christmas. We each got a different color.

Posted by: EV at March 31, 2004 10:44 PM

Dang. If you covered the rest of the news, I'd read it. And that's saying a lot about me. Your writing is dead on and this post is awesome. Definitely all "Yeas" and no "Nays." But maybe some "Neighs."

Posted by: She-Dork at April 1, 2004 11:45 AM

that had would convince even jesus to love gay people, so to speak.

Posted by: bryan at April 1, 2004 12:53 PM