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September 30, 2003
Go brain-freeze yourself
Hurrah: the advent of Diet Pepsi Slurpees
Boo: the bastards at the Harvard Square 7-11, whose clear antagonism for health-conscious Slurpee drinkers prevents them from maintaining the Diet Pepsi Slurpee machine in working order. While Crystal Light Slurpee is marginally exciting, it just does not measure up.
p.s. No, "health-conscious Slurpee drinker" is not a ...a ... whatever you call that, you know like military intelligence.
Posted by The Twins at 04:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
You don't have to be cruel to rule my world
The bathroom in Girl-E's office is actually at the end of a public hall, and it's a single-roomer. As she was standing in the hallway, glaring at the red "occupied" sign, she heard the guy inside start singing Prince, with full falsetto, blissfully unaware of any audience. She smirked, thinking oh how embarrasing, what a weirdo, I hope there's no awkward glance when he comes out, too bad he's clueless about the acoustics in there -- wait a minute, I do that every single time I go in that bathroom.
Posted by The Twins at 02:49 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 28, 2003
There goes the neighborhood
We'd just like to alert you that this incident is currently in progress approximately 1/2 mile from our house. We're particularly enchanted by the fact that the gorilla is an advocate of public transportation. Mike Dukakis will be so proud.
Posted by The Twins at 08:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 26, 2003
R.I.P., Robert Palmer
Plan to spend the weekend in mourning wear of short black dress, tight bun, red lipstick and cool indifference. (Note, the sexy Palmer photo was removed due to the fact that it keeps crapping out and not loading. Who needs that.)
Posted by The Twins at 10:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 25, 2003
Give me your leather, take from me my lace
Oh Rhiannon, you saucy tart. Girl-E and Girl-C had quite the successful excursion to Boston's largest thrift store to find their Twin Stevie Nicks costumes for Halloween. Seriously prime Stevie-wear emerged from dark, rockin' corners. Now all that's left to find are the scrunchy leather boots, and possibly the oversized beret. And the crimping iron.
They've been fantasizing about the Twin-Stevie costumes for a few years now, but they were postponed by things like being in Turkey. The idea was momentarily replaced by thoughts of Twin Margot Tennenbaums, but it was soon agreed that this would surely lack the timeless aura of Twin Stevie Nickses. Granted, they don't yet have an event to which to wear their flowy, witchy garb, but Halloween being on a Friday leaves them optimistic. Crashing an MIT party seems as good an idea as any. Girl-C does actually go to MIT, but showing up as Twin Stevie Nicks to a nerdy B-school party is bound to generate a degree of fascination and unease among partygoers roughly equivalent to crashing.
Posted by The Twins at 09:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Rock on, rock star
You have dreams. You think maybe, one day, your wit, charisma, beauty, and mindblowing ideas will lead you to high-profile celebrity and more money than you can imagine. After all, you are making quite an impression, drawing praise from all corners. For example:
Dear Girl-E,
Impressive notetaking! How you managed to grasp and then summarize the barrage of information from the second part of our last meeting is beyond me!
~Professor M
Posted by The Twins at 09:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 24, 2003
Statute 31, Section 1
It is hereby ordered that on any and all days of the gorgeously perfect nature as that currently gracing Eastern Massachusetts and environs, all persons of age are required to purchase and consume at least one serving of ice cream and/or fat-free frozen yogurt, and that this shall be enacted with all due haste even if said citizens have brought lunch from home. Toppings are at the discretion of the citizen. Failure to comply with Section 1 of Statute 31 will result in a penalty of up to four (4) brisk jogs around Boston Common or two (2) days of lemonade stand community service.
Posted by The Twins at 02:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Three cheers for the learned
Transcript of a recent email exchange:
Dear Ms. Girl-E,
I am writing to you to request a copy of the notes from Monday's committee meeting for Professor X. Can you email it to me as an attachment? Thank you.
Warm regards,
A Faculty Assistant
---------------------------------------------
Dear AFA,
I actually haven't finished the notes from yesterday's
meeting, but I will send them out to the list as soon
as they are ready.
Thanks,
Girl-E
---------------------------------------------
Dear Girl-E,
Just for clarification, the email you sent us did not have an attachment.
Best,
Professor X
Posted by The Twins at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Shucks
A chocolate-dipped thanks to Shannon and Booch for independently taking it upon themselves to promote Boo-blog on their sites. Unlike this one, their blogs are candid and personal and don't give you the run-around... our mission tends to embrace the tenants of "distract" and "confuse" rather than "share". We are therefore not worthy, but many thanks anyway.
Posted by The Twins at 09:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 23, 2003
psspsspsspsspss
A note to the secretaries in this and any other office: it is generally considered uncooth to huddle over the receptionist, relating in hushed voice the intimate details of someone else's problem-riddled life, right in plain view of anyone who happens to be passing through to the coffee machine or standing at the printer. Even if your diminished volume prevents overhearing of the actual content of your gossip, you are not fooling anyone into thinking that a) you are discussing legitimate job-related matters, or b) you are not a 13-year-old trapped in a 44-year-old's body.
Posted by The Twins at 10:51 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 22, 2003
Further incompetence re: meaningful insight or cogent paragraph structure
A list of lovely things for which we are, at the moment, requesting a what-what:
- Au Bon Pain Harvest Pumpkin Soup
- The slutty and adorable Canadian NGO nurse at the African relief clinic on ER
- The faculty of the large graduate school where Girl-E works, a full 12% of whom are named Dick
- The laudible perserverence of Kazaa
- Katie Couric's insistence on exposing lots of leg every single morning
- Aaron's impressive email plea for Girl-E to drive her ass up to Lowell next Friday to see his band on his birthday, to which she is yey close to yielding because it's not every day you meet another married-Boston-blogger-musician-person-turning-27-in-October
- The first person to send us a picture of themselves putting Rachel Greenwald in a headlock
Posted by The Twins at 10:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 21, 2003
Did you forget about me, Ms. Reci-procity?
If you've been reading this blog from its inception (last February), you know that it was conceived as a distraction to one of the more soul-sucking periods of Girl-E's professional life, exaggerated by the manic depressive nature of living in a foreign country. When she returned to the States, she had a nice built-in two-month vacation that allowed her to do things like go to the gym at off-peak hours and sleep off Tuesday night karaoke, and which allowed us plenty of time to blog and read other blogs.
One of the best parts about starting a blog, in fact, is the discovery of other on-line writers who entertain and inspire, and the welcome of a community based on links among each other's sites. The problem is, now that Girl-E has started living like a real person again, with a job and regular activities and whatnot, it has become disturbingly difficult to find the uninterrupted hours-on-end with which to catch up on our favorite journals.
So, we have been using an incredibly lazy strategy lately, and we feel it is your right as our online buddies to know about it. Each time we check our stats on Site Meter, we visit whatever blogs have been referral pages in the past 24 hours. This reflects no commanding tit-for-tat philosophy, only a lazy shortcut. Links in the comments box will also catch our undivided attention.
Anyway, what we're saying here is that we want to visit everyone, but are being lazy bastards and need your help. So, if you link to us and read regularly, rock on. If you have a blog but usually come to us via someone else, leave a comment every once in a while (we have no intention of grovelling to be added to your Blogroll, that is your choice alone).
We intend that once things get settled we will again take to open cyberspace, but at the moment we're behaving narrowly and need other people to dangle bright shiny objects in our face and broaden our vision.
Thanks again, and happy Sunday.
Posted by The Twins at 12:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 19, 2003
T'ing GIF
There are few things less original than a Yay, Friday! post, but sometimes these things can't be avoided. Also, we don't seem to be able to write except in list form lately. So here's a list of items related to this particular Friday:
- That Friends episode last night, the one where Monica's hair expands to roughly the size of a walk-in closet due to the humidity in Barbados, is essentially a biographical piece on Girl-E. Except she's blonde, so people don't call her Diana Ross. Usually, Girl-C (aka Agent Courtney) just calls her Fluffy.
- As humans need plantlife for survival, so do we need regular exposure to Johnny Depp wearing tight pants and speaking with an accent, so it is with joy and relief that we embrace the release of Once Upon a Time in Mexico.
- As soon as the mailroom guy arrives, Girl-E will receive her first paycheck in three months. This is a significant event in Girl-E and The Dude's relationship, as he is not likely to support her folly for even one more goddam minute.
- Isabel rolled in this morning, she is looking pallid but determined. Also, a friend of Girl-E's, with whom she has a mutual friend named Isabelle, pointed out that if you do happen to know someone named Isabel(le), it is particularly funny to read newspaper headlines about the storm and replace "Isabel" with your friend's full name, first and last, and think of the headlines as describing your friend. Trust us, it's funny.
- The pirate speaks,"We've just remembered that today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. We forgott'write in Pirate. So you can put t'first parto'this post through thist'turn it pirate."
Posted by The Twins at 11:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 18, 2003
Late-breaking Girl Headlines
- Slimfast now has hot instant soup cups
- Avon has just released a new line of teen-targeted cosmetics, which is good news for all, because all women secretly much prefer products in youthful glittery-plastic packaging
- Unanimous reports strongly suggest that the Japanese bio-ionic hair straightening technique is worth every last penny
- The latest version of Palm Desktop includes a "Very Cherry" pink-themed background
- Both Legal Seafood and Applebees have teamed up with Weight Watchers to print menus that give you your Winning Points™ right there
- 87% of women believe that Ben so totally did the right thing
Posted by The Twins at 01:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 17, 2003
Big mistake. Huge.
A note to future employers/supervisors/mentors of Girl-E:
We can not emphasize enough the magnitude of your error if you happen to send her an email telling her that a deadline has been pushed back. Just as you can only use gasoline to make a car move, you can only use the adrenaline produced by fast-approaching doom to make her work. While she may impress you with her ability to write a great speech in only three days, you should know that were you to give her three weeks to do it, it would not make the tiniest quark of a difference.
We hope this has been helpful, please contact us with any questions. Now if you'll excuse us, we have some backpacks to browse at llbean.com.
Posted by The Twins at 03:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Foiled
We were about to post the most scathing, witty, controversial, profound, thought-provoking, gut-bustingly hilarious blog entry in history, and then Girl-E's boss just walked through the door, back from New York. Oh well, maybe next time.
Posted by The Twins at 12:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 15, 2003
The subconscious can be so blah
The weekend was fabulous, thanks for asking. Chicago is a first-rate town, and the bachelorette/bride got appropriate heaps of attention, even though we forewent the lifesavers (note to Jules: one common bachelorette party stunt is to make the girl wear a t-shirt covered with lifesavers, and charge roaming men in bars a "Buck-a-Suck". Charming, indeed.) No, we just stuck her in a rhinestone cowgirl hat and a pink boa. One of the drag queens asked to borrow the hat for her act.
Newsflash: Dog long-jumping is actually a sport. Owners/coaches throw a brightly colored stuffed animal/bone over a large pool of water, and the dogs hurl themselves as far as possible into the water to catch it. It apparently draws thousands upon thousands of spectators. Thank you to hotel cable for exposing us to this new and exciting world.
We have no comment on the Bennifer situation, but we are devistated about John Ritter.
Girl-E had a dream last night in which she pulled into a grocery store parking lot, and Pink got out of the car next to her. She said "hey", and then they each got a cart and went their own separate ways in the produce section. There was no breaking into song, no transfiguration into a scorpion, Pink did not invite Girl-E to a fancy party. The only creative contribution provided by the dream-brain was that Pink's now-brown hair was slightly longer than it is in real life. Kudos, brain. Real exciting stuff.
Posted by The Twins at 10:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 10, 2003
Girls Gone Somber
So we're off to Chicago tomorrow morning, Girl-E is attending her college roomie in her wedding on Saturday. But tomorrow, after tentatively boarding a plane, she's throwing a Rollickin' September 11th Bachelorette Bash. Now there is no levity or mockery intended here, just the simple fact that the bride wanted the party two days before her wedding so that out of town friends (including Girl-E) could attend (but not the night before because no one wants to look hungover in their wedding pictures). It wasn't until Girl-E was PhotoShopping the shirt off the bride for the Evite that due notice was taken of the date.
But, everyone seems to be game, so we'll make sure to fit in a moment of silence between tequila shots and gluing Lifesavers on her t-shirt. If the boys at the Baton Show Lounge are still doing their drag show, then who are we to deny them of their audience.
Posted by The Twins at 09:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 09, 2003
Pontius Pilates
OWWWW. owowowow. Ow. Ermf. Fuck.
Posted by The Twins at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 07, 2003
This incoherent recap is brought to you by the letter 'S'
Sangria. Scorpion bowls. Shiraz. Squid in its own ink. Shrimp with garlic sauce. Salmon balls. Snoop Dogg. Styx. Springfield, Rick. Stubbed toe. Sore throat. Splitting headache.
Posted by The Twins at 10:14 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 04, 2003
Thank you for visiting Slogsville, please come back soon
Due to circumstances beyond our control, posting may be scant or downright stymied for a few days. Girl-E has decided to make up for a summer of leisure by taking on way more than she can handle, mentally and physically. If she manages to keep it up at this rate, we expect that she will be world-famous and jacked as hell within a few weeks.
Posted by The Twins at 10:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 03, 2003
Is there a thesaurus in the house?
The sands of slothful existence have run through the hourglass, and Girl-E has now rejoined the glorious ranks of working stiffdom. While she is destined to spend the first few weeks bleary-eyed and stupid until at least 10:30, there are a few perks. For example, the Green Mountain coffee machine is many cuts above any other free office coffee service she has ever consumed. And, unlike previous cattle-car workspaces, she has her very own office with a big window overlooking the most pastoral of academic courtyards.
She is also, for the first time in her life, being paid to write. The catch is that what she is being paid to write scares the mother-loving crap out of her. She was hoping maybe she was being hired to write skits or daily horoscopes, but no such luck. In fact, she has about a day and a half to write a 10-minute speech for an important person to give to an entire student body on Monday. Doh. In fact, maybe she should get to that right about now. Alright now, let's see, ahem... "Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself..."
Posted by The Twins at 09:39 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack