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August 31, 2003

Blowing kisses

We do try to make this blog as different from The Bell Jar as a blog can be, but we did want to pay a little love and honor to Girl-E's dad, who passed away 18 years ago today. May he be listening to Puccini and/or Springsteen on full volume, and eating all the scrambled eggs with ketchup he wants.

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August 29, 2003

Top 10 indications it's time to go back to work:

Numbers 10 through 1: Staying home during the week greatly increases the risk that you will stumble onto The View, where Bryan Adams is performing a song from his new soundtrack for Spirit: Stallion of Cimmarron.

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Just how starving are those Starving Students?

Girl-E is seriously considering packing up and relocating from Earth. We know, we know, all her friends and family are here, she's building a decent career, the weather's habitable; but she's seen a few things in the past week that suggest it might be time for a change. For example:

- A moth larvae crawled out of the cereal box and across the table this morning.
- At the gym yesterday, a woman wearing sandals and jean shorts on the ergometer had a 30 minute laughing, smiling, chatting conversation with the absolutely no one sitting next to her.
- The Today Show interviewed John Kerry this morning while he was wearing a rash guard and board shorts.
- Apparently Rachel is now in love with Joey.
- Centrifugal Ass Girl really pushed the envelope this week with her 70s whore getup.

And most convincing:
- Thousands of people flocked to the roof of the Museum of Science on Wednesday, when Mars would be closer than it's been in 51,000 years, and stood in line for hours to see it show up as a blurry dot on a guy's computer screen. When it was hanging right there in the sky, glorious and orange and bright as day.

With a stronger telescope, it's likely they would have seen Martians in beach chairs drinking and watching and laughing at a Jumbotron of idiotic queued-up Earthlings. We wonder how the housing prices are there. And how to find movers who are game.

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August 28, 2003

She's got a great personality

Do you have days where you absentmindedly throw on extremely comfortable clothes, putz around the city, catch yourself in a full-length mirror at Filene's and suddenly realize, "holy crap, I am my own Before picture"?

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August 27, 2003

Look out, Jennifer Garner

So, there wasn't much thought put into the term "ruthless ninja" at the writing of yesterday's post, just spontaneous gut assessment of that particular hour and fifteen minutes of hurt.

But now that we look at it, all we can think about is writing a TV show called "Helen Dobson, R.N.", about a 34-year-old triage nurse who takes to the streets at night to fight evil. Her costume change would require minimum effects-- she'd just reach into her pocket for her ninja mask made of the same material as her salmon-pink surgical scrubs, and her tongue depressors would unfold into nunshucks.

Helen's sidekick Candy would wear a red-and-white-striped karate outfit, and she'd have a complicated and occassionally steamy relationship with a neurologist named Dr. Nick Katzenbaum. Her nemesis would be a beautiful and wicked woman called HazMatilda, who'd lurk around the city causing mysterious outbreaks of shingles and yeast infections, and the occassional disfiguring accident during Sweeps Week.

Primary sponsors would be Monistat, the Venus Razor, and Mattel. Now we just have to think about casting.

p.s. Comments seem to be down. Drat!

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August 26, 2003

Oh yeah, that's it, right there

Girl-E pulled a hamstring at her ruthless ninja step class yesterday; when she was lying on her tummy in bed last night, the cat, by beastly intuition or mindless coincidence, spent ten minutes strenuously kneading the exact spot where it hurt, and it was totally awesome. Is that weird?

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August 25, 2003

For the love of the game

There's no greater curse in life than to be insanely competitive with mediocre skills. And unwilling to move out of your comfort zone for improvement. And mentally soft. So when The Dude inevitably beats Girl-E in tennis, the conversation with her Personal Sportsmanship Fairy invariably goes something like this:

E: It's totally not fair. I took lessons since I was eight and played varsity in high school. He just stepped on the court like 3 years ago with no clue, and still beats the crap out of me.

PSF: Well now, he doesn't have to beat the crap out of you, it's just that as soon as you miss a few points you get pissy and give up, leading to an inflated score gap. Remember you won that tournament in Istanbul, because you were so mentally committed to beating that nasty bitch.

E: Dude, whatever. It's just cuz he's faster and 7 inches taller.

PSF: Speed and height don't matter when you make unforced errors. But anyway, I'm sure your endurance and consistency would improve if you took lessons or found a variety of people to practice with. I mean, The Dude plays with his friend every other day. Your varsity coach always said you'd have had a better record if you practiced more.

E: What, like in my free time?

PSF: I know it takes some level of commitment, but you would enjoy yourself more and gain confidence.

E: Well I mean, I only have limited time, and I already go to the gym sometimes. Plus I'm going to start a Masters' swim team in a week.

PSF: Well that's great! Why have you chosen swimming?

E: Because I swam as a kid, and I love racing people, it's so much more exciting than just plain exercising.

PSF: Why did you stop then?

E: Because I peaked at nine.

PSF: And why is that?

E: Because it's too much work to get good. You have to get real tired, and who needs that.

PSF: So why did you keep doing it until you were 17?

E: Because I like competing.

PSF: But wasn't it frustrating to compete when everyone got better than you at a faster rate?

E: Yeah, it sucked. They were such little assholes, thought they were so hot.

PSF: Well if you had converted your competitive nature into motivation to push yourself to improvement, wouldn't it have sucked less?

E: Psh, whatever.

PSF: So are you just going to use the Masters' team for exercise then?

E: No, I told you, I love racing, I'm gonna get to a point where I can compete.

PSF: So you're committed to going to every practice and working hard?

E: Yeah, sure. I mean unless something comes up. Like if I make plans to go to dinner before karaoke or something. Swim practices are also on Tuesdays.

PSF: Um. Ok.

E: So yeah I can't wait to start. And I'm so gonna kick The Dude's ass next time we play tennis.

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Perfectly lovely time

On the face of it, you may see someone who can relate the details of Esquire's recent Colin Farrell interview, or explain why Ben Affleck made such an expert showing as a guest Red Sox commentator last weekend. But secretly, all Girl-E is really thinking about is how much she would love to have an Edith Wharton film festival in her living room. Daniel Day-Lewis is sure to be way cuter as Newland Archer than as Bill "The Butcher" Cutting. Just give her a few days to actually finish reading The House of Mirth, and it's so going to happen.

Who's with her? Hello?

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August 24, 2003

Who knew

We have recently discovered by chance that the guy who plays Josh on The West Wing and the guitarist for Aerosmith have the same name. Which just proves that everything comes full circle. How we're not sure, but there's something.

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Sorry. We've been busy. And by busy, we mean lazy. Too lazy even to put together a graphic for today's title, so just use your imagination. Seeing as we can't possibly summon enough energy to give a detailed account of the last week, and we can't imagine you'd have the patience for it anyway, we are proud to present the CliffsNotes™ for The Twins Go Totally California.

Spunky Boston twins Leto and Roz accompany their mistress, Girl-E, and her husband, The Dude, on a week-long trip to Southern California. The week is spent between Los Angeles and San Diego, paying calls to Girl-E's mother, her uncle, and a slathering of friends from Girl-E's childhood and/or more recent life. The weather is perfect without exception, and the twins wonder repeatedly why Girl-E ever went East. Girl-E explains that there's more to life than weather, but she can certainly can feel where they're coming from. Movies are watched, in theaters and on DVD. Beaches are laid upon. Many delicious foods are consumed. Infused vodka is drunk. With the help of Girl-E's mom, the twins secretly plot how to trick Girl-E into returning to California as soon as humanly possible, but she catches them at every turn.

Chapter One - Thursday
Meal of note: cold shellfish on Malibu Beach. While walking on the beach, they think they see Brad and Jennifer's mansion, but they're not sure. Movies watched on DVD: Drumline and The Hours. They mentally note to recommend Drumline to everyone they know, but for the music, not the storyline.

Chapter Two - Friday
Meal of note: wedding cake. They head southward to San Diego, Girl-E waxes nostalgiac for her hometown, but only a little. They celebrate the beautiful day by napping in her uncle's guestroom. A high school friend has a glorious beachfront wedding in the evening, a good time is had by all. Another (already married) high school friend reveals that she is 8 weeks pregnant. Toasts all around.

Chapter Three - Saturday
Meal of note: Coronas. Our characters head for the World Famous San Diego Zoo, after deciding with regret that LegoLand is just too expensive to brave on a Saturday in August. Pandas are observed chewing. Gorillas are observed chest-beating. Francois' Langurs are observed kicking the shit out of each other. The evening is spent with two of Girl-E's best high school buddies, one of whom has an adorable and energetic baby girl. Girl-E and The Dude are asked whether playing with the baby makes them want to have one. It is agreed between the two of them that playing with the baby makes them want their next door neighbors to have one.

Chapter Four - Sunday
Meal of note: Chicken tortas. Beach day. Much bodysurfing and book-reading. The twins hatch their first plan to live the rest of their days bodysurfing and book-reading on the Pacific coast. Girl-E makes The Dude try his first In 'N' Out burger, and even he decides California isn't so bad. They drive back to L.A. The 405 is a bitch.

Chapter Five - Monday
Meal of note: crab cakes and chocolate souffle. Let's just think about that for a few seconds. mmm. Ok, anyway. They drive into the city for a tag-team visit to a string of college friends at various fast-food outlets near UCLA. Movie at the Santa Monica indie theater: American Splendor. The evening is spent with a formerly-Boston friend and her husband, who have the phattest multi-million dollar villa in the Hollywood Hills. They go out for a kick-ass dinner. Girl-E and The Dude wonder how they ever ended up knowing people like this, and acknowledge it is the closest they will ever get.

Chapter Six - Tuesday
Meal of note: chicken with cilantro cream sauce. It is Girl-E and The Dude's third wedding anniversary (awww!). They go with Girl-E's mom to the movies. It had something to do with pirates, but all the twins noticed was Johnny Depp with dread locks and a hot outfit. Another thing to think about for a few seconds. In the evening they meet up with another two super high school buddies, who happen to be finally engaged to each other after dating each other's roommates all through college. They go to The unequivocally best Mexican restaurant in L.A., and that's saying a lot. They sober up from their wine margaritas (which Girl-E decided are really Wine Juliuses) in front of this totally ridiculous but potentially addicting show. Girl-E is suddenly grateful not to have MTV at home.

Chapter Seven - Wednesday
Meal of note: creme brulee. Movie watched on DVD: Gangs of New York. Daniel Day Lewis is hot, but only when he's not hacking people to death with an axe. Girl-E's aunt from New Jersey has joined the cast. They pile in the car and take off to Hollywood to see Jason Alexander and Martin Short in The Producers. It is excellent, you really should see it in a large city near you. There is some familial tension, but that's a given in any story worth its salt. In fact this one would probably sell better with a little more, but happy people have never been much respected in the market.

Epilogue - Thursday
Meal of note: all day is spent on a post-September 11 airplane, there is no meal. Alarms ring, far, far too early for any normal human being. The story closes with Girl-E waking herself up in her plane seat with a loud snore.

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August 21, 2003



Ok, we just got off the plane. Cuz we think maybe you were worried. But too groggy to be cute. Talk to you tomorrow.

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August 16, 2003

Monkeys and palm trees and Republicans, oh my

We just have a minute but we thought we'd say hi. Despite the existence of high-speed internet at all relevant family abodes (now we're at the uncle's), even we don't feel right spending too much time blogging on our So Cal vacation. We always forget how dope and yet not San Diego is. Beach is beautiful, weather is perfect, people enjoy life. There are no indigenous trees, the city is spread out in endless miles of cookie-cutter tract homes, it's filled with apathetic conservatives and army brats. You get the idea. We have always been ambivalent about this fair corner of the earth, but it sure is nice to come back every once in a while.

Now Girl-E is going to take The Dude to the world-famous San Diego zoo, where there are apparently some quite entertaining apes this year. Tonight she'll subject him to some more highschool girlfriend gigglefests.

A lovely weekend to all.

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August 13, 2003

Whatchu talkin' about, Davis?!

So we just landed in L.A., we're campaigning for Gary Coleman. Just kidding, we're here to see Girl-E's mom and go to a friend's wedding in San Diego. You may have noticed and/or been awed by the constant jet-setting we've been doing lately, but be assured that we're just in a particularly globetrotting phase at the moment, what with the occupational hiatus. Come Labor Day we will be living as grey flannel a life as the next guy. Although three San Diego weddings ago (many relevant weddings taking place there as it's Girl-E's hometown) was at Tony Hawk's house. We just thought we'd throw that in there. Not that she even knows him at all, but just happens to be junior high buddies with his babysitter. So now, you know, so you can tell people you're internet friends with the twins of a girl who hangs out with a girl who hangs out with the world's most famous skateboarder.

The agenda for the evening includes calling and arranging dates with the priviledged need-to-sees in the Southern California region, hamburgers, and salad. The agenda for right now includes playing with Girl-E's mom's fancy new toilet that cleans and dries you and makes you a sandwich, Sissy Hankshaw's thumbs, and a nap.

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August 12, 2003

A quick check of the score

We have a number of warm fuzzy American thoughts to share with you all, which come more of a surprise to ourselves than anyone else. However, because it's after midnight and The Dude is passed out in the living room and will soon wake up grumpily grumbling that we should have all gone to bed hours ago, we'll just give this quick update on the '04 primary question, because we are all* in a quandry now aren't we.

C-Span is currently replaying a town meeting of the Democratic candidates from this evening, hosted by the Sheet Metal Workers International Union. With a few exceptions, they are doing their best to give fodder to SNL. Al Sharpton just got a big rousing hoot and holler, and we do like his style, but he is Al Sharpton. Carol Moseley Braun is stealing other people's ideas and twittering her eyelashes just a smige too much. We love the idea of her, but the reality of her is proving to be just silly. Dick Gephart is sounding like a Democratic action figure. Oo, news flash, Joe Frasier (Frazer? Sorry, we're sub-par boxing fans) just showed up. We don't think he's running for president, though. Dennis Kucinich is acting like Ralph Nader's chihuahua which he took out for a walk and is alternating between running off to pull the full length of the rope and running the leash in circles around Nader's legs. John Kerry is being his toothy, non-committal self. Johnny, we were really all set to pull for you, you are so tall and dimply and local, but your slavery to the polls has been a real turn-off. Lieberman is sliding down the center fall-line just a little too perfectly for our taste. In fact now he's talking about how the war was just because it was decisive, and quoting Corinthians. Howard Dean is sitting comfortably in his chair, giving clear, un-screamy, substantive answers. Ding ding ding -- 25 points in this round to the Governor of the Great State of Vermont. But it is, afterall, only the season opener. And gimme an 'M' for mixing our sports metaphors.

*Of course by "we are all," I refer to those of us who are strenuously preoccupied with purging the incumbent. Most of our readers whom we can positively ID fit into that category, which is why we feel comfortable addressing them directly, but we certainly hope there are more readers than we can positively ID, because it is the freaking internet for cripes sake. What were we saying? Oh yeah, some of our best friends are Republicans, really.

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August 07, 2003

You be good now

We're heading to Upstate New York tomorrow morning for a wedding, be back on Monday. There's a casserole in the fridge, and make sure the cats don't run out.


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August 06, 2003

Done deal

The lid is shut. The book is closed. The coffin's nailed. The ceremony has closed with a rousing benediction. After a week of tortuous thought and probing consideration, Girl-E has accepted her next assignment in this thing called life. In theory, it is an occassion for much rejoicing. In practice, it means that come September, she will have to get up way, way before 10:30, dress respectably, and occupy herself in the service of others for 8+ hours each day, not including weekends, we hope. Hours she could be writing to you all. Hours she could be reading for fun. Hours she could be wandering through the cemetery. Hours she could be bodysurfing. Hours she could be sleeping it off.

However, we must all earn our keep in this world, and when it comes down to it, Girl-E is not without a sense of purpose and ambition. It's just when you've spent a year nearing clinical insanity at the hands of Turkish 8-year-olds, and then have a few months rest, it takes quite a mountain of will and energy to jump on the train once again. But as this job requires tucking one's self snug in the top-most rafters of one of the world's highest Ivory Towers, there will be no Turkish-8-year olds.

Hallelu, indeed.

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August 04, 2003


It's nearly 5am. Girl-E can't sleep, she's got achy knees and a sore throat, basically the Chi is just all off. Oh, and she can't stop thinking about sushi. And she had sudden anxiety at 3:30 that she'd accidentally replied-to-all on an email for which that would have been a decidedly bad move. No need for panic, she didn't. The New England air right now has roughly the consistency of Cream of Wheat. She liked the idea of a freshly painted dining room, but the reality that she is actually going to paint tomorrow (today) is making her grumpy. She's decided it would, in fact, be worth it to have freakishly large thumbs if she otherwise looked like Princess Grace. She can't decide whether her next haircut should be before the trip to California, or before starting work in September. Probably California. It feels important that she decide very soon whom to support in the '04 primary. There's no milk. Now it's ten past five.

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August 02, 2003

Filthy penguin sinners

Every once in a while you just have to give straightforward, no-frills props and send your friends (that's you) to read things like this.

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August 01, 2003

So how did that make you feel?

As we all know, dreams are frequent fodder for blogging, as they are a)mostly fucked up stories, b)tell us something about the blogger and/or the blogger's deepest hopes and anxieties, and c) are pre-written for the times you can't think of a goddam thing. Lord knows we've written about Girl-E's dreams, and can't say we don't know a blogger who's written about their own.

But our good friend Jess wrote something which gave us the idea that a new twist is needed on this blogging standby. It's easy enough for bloggers to remember fuzzy tidbits of their dreams, and then modify and embellish them such that they will come off the exact right level of quirky, insecure and hilarious to their readers. What's much more illuminating, however, is to read about dreams that other people have about the blogger. This kind of outside subconcious perspective on a person and their relationships is exactly what the blogging world needs. So the following is something that Jess wrote to Girl-E, we invite you to interpret this for the purposes described above as you see fit. And also, if you yourself have had a dream about Girl-E or us (though we can't imagine you'd share if it'd been about us), please submit for Boo-blog readers' analysis:

"I had a dream about you last night. You were telling me I needed to start to dress more fashionably and wear more makeup before my youth ended and I had no hope of style whatsoever. I protested that I'd gotten my hair highlighted and that had to be a good start, but you said that wasn't enough. This is only the second time I can remember that you've shown up in my dreams--the other time you had a serious problem with earwax."

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