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August 24, 2003
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Sorry. We've been busy. And by busy, we mean lazy. Too lazy even to put together a graphic for today's title, so just use your imagination. Seeing as we can't possibly summon enough energy to give a detailed account of the last week, and we can't imagine you'd have the patience for it anyway, we are proud to present the CliffsNotes™ for The Twins Go Totally California.
Synopsis
Spunky Boston twins Leto and Roz accompany their mistress, Girl-E, and her husband, The Dude, on a week-long trip to Southern California. The week is spent between Los Angeles and San Diego, paying calls to Girl-E's mother, her uncle, and a slathering of friends from Girl-E's childhood and/or more recent life. The weather is perfect without exception, and the twins wonder repeatedly why Girl-E ever went East. Girl-E explains that there's more to life than weather, but she can certainly can feel where they're coming from. Movies are watched, in theaters and on DVD. Beaches are laid upon. Many delicious foods are consumed. Infused vodka is drunk. With the help of Girl-E's mom, the twins secretly plot how to trick Girl-E into returning to California as soon as humanly possible, but she catches them at every turn.
Chapter One - Thursday
Meal of note: cold shellfish on Malibu Beach. While walking on the beach, they think they see Brad and Jennifer's mansion, but they're not sure. Movies watched on DVD: Drumline and The Hours. They mentally note to recommend Drumline to everyone they know, but for the music, not the storyline.
Chapter Two - Friday
Meal of note: wedding cake. They head southward to San Diego, Girl-E waxes nostalgiac for her hometown, but only a little. They celebrate the beautiful day by napping in her uncle's guestroom. A high school friend has a glorious beachfront wedding in the evening, a good time is had by all. Another (already married) high school friend reveals that she is 8 weeks pregnant. Toasts all around.
Chapter Three - Saturday
Meal of note: Coronas. Our characters head for the World Famous San Diego Zoo, after deciding with regret that LegoLand is just too expensive to brave on a Saturday in August. Pandas are observed chewing. Gorillas are observed chest-beating. Francois' Langurs are observed kicking the shit out of each other. The evening is spent with two of Girl-E's best high school buddies, one of whom has an adorable and energetic baby girl. Girl-E and The Dude are asked whether playing with the baby makes them want to have one. It is agreed between the two of them that playing with the baby makes them want their next door neighbors to have one.
Chapter Four - Sunday
Meal of note: Chicken tortas. Beach day. Much bodysurfing and book-reading. The twins hatch their first plan to live the rest of their days bodysurfing and book-reading on the Pacific coast. Girl-E makes The Dude try his first In 'N' Out burger, and even he decides California isn't so bad. They drive back to L.A. The 405 is a bitch.
Chapter Five - Monday
Meal of note: crab cakes and chocolate souffle. Let's just think about that for a few seconds. mmm. Ok, anyway. They drive into the city for a tag-team visit to a string of college friends at various fast-food outlets near UCLA. Movie at the Santa Monica indie theater: American Splendor. The evening is spent with a formerly-Boston friend and her husband, who have the phattest multi-million dollar villa in the Hollywood Hills. They go out for a kick-ass dinner. Girl-E and The Dude wonder how they ever ended up knowing people like this, and acknowledge it is the closest they will ever get.
Chapter Six - Tuesday
Meal of note: chicken with cilantro cream sauce. It is Girl-E and The Dude's third wedding anniversary (awww!). They go with Girl-E's mom to the movies. It had something to do with pirates, but all the twins noticed was Johnny Depp with dread locks and a hot outfit. Another thing to think about for a few seconds. In the evening they meet up with another two super high school buddies, who happen to be finally engaged to each other after dating each other's roommates all through college. They go to The unequivocally best Mexican restaurant in L.A., and that's saying a lot. They sober up from their wine margaritas (which Girl-E decided are really Wine Juliuses) in front of this totally ridiculous but potentially addicting show. Girl-E is suddenly grateful not to have MTV at home.
Chapter Seven - Wednesday
Meal of note: creme brulee. Movie watched on DVD: Gangs of New York. Daniel Day Lewis is hot, but only when he's not hacking people to death with an axe. Girl-E's aunt from New Jersey has joined the cast. They pile in the car and take off to Hollywood to see Jason Alexander and Martin Short in The Producers. It is excellent, you really should see it in a large city near you. There is some familial tension, but that's a given in any story worth its salt. In fact this one would probably sell better with a little more, but happy people have never been much respected in the market.
Epilogue - Thursday
Meal of note: all day is spent on a post-September 11 airplane, there is no meal. Alarms ring, far, far too early for any normal human being. The story closes with Girl-E waking herself up in her plane seat with a loud snore.
Posted by The Twins at August 24, 2003 11:54 AM
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