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November 30, 2003
Slog, Lola, slog
Inspired by some inexplicable force, Girl-E went running this afternoon. We of course were not amused, but objectively speaking we suppose we should give her some kind of props. We guess the gluttony of a holiday weekend can do weird shit to people. Anyway, at times we suspect she could have walked faster than she was running, but she kept it up under the theory that if she could feel her ass jiggling, perhaps there was a chance part of it would shake loose and fall off onto the pavement.
Girl-E exercises regularly in a variety of ways, but she has a sordid history with the running. It's always struck her as something that one really should only do in life-threatening situations or subway stations. Insert standard joke about thinking endorphins were playful sea creatures here. In adolescence, she only ran when absolutely forced to, in the service of becoming a better swimmer, tennis player, or rower. Chances are better than half that her mediocrity in those endeavors has something to do with her attitude towards the street portion of her training. That attitude being sulky and full of ire. She had some high points during her career where she actually did some beach swim/run races that did not kill her dead, but you can safely wager her mantle was trophy-free.
Despite the fact that as we write, she is bloated with chocolate cake and goose (yes, goose), she has enacted a genuine campaign to take better care of herself. Perhaps not to the extent of body-as-temple, but maybe body-as-semi-reputable-Vegas-wedding-chapel. We're sure it's no accident that she has launched a new "commitment" to getting better at running mere days before it will be too cold and icy to cross the street on foot let alone jog. But if she trades an egg and cheese for Kashi even three times a week and actually unwraps that new yoga DVD, there may be hope for her yet.
Posted by The Twins at 09:47 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 26, 2003
Dude, you shouldn't have
We are overwhelmed with a need to be trite. We hate that. But there's only so much bitter originality to go around. So here goes.
Things we are thankful for:
- The mentally disabled man who takes a walk up and down our street and says good morning every day. For the past two days he's stopped to shake Girl-E's hand and wish her a very happy Thanksgiving.
- The discovery of a full plate of homemade fudge in the office this morning, made by one of the male deans.
- The discovery five minutes later that same said dean has decreed everyone to go home at noon today.
- The fact that Girl-E has, for the 27th straight year, avoided the responsibility of having to make a turkey. She will instead labor over a cheese ball.
- The memory of last year's Turkey Day in Turkey, where Girl-E and The Dude introduced American Thanksgiving to a Turk, an Iranian, a Czech, four Canadians, two Australians and a French girl. Due to the ironic scarcity of turkey in Turkey, they ate 8 rotisserie chickens, but it was still fantastic.
- The musicians in the subway, who are about to be hit with a tragic ban on amplification.
- MAC Paints, newly discovered as the sturdiest of all eyeshadows.
- The friends, family and heroes without whom we would be nothing.
- All of you, who have graciously given five minutes of your precious holiday time to us.
Happy Thanksgiving, and the obligatory "Gobble gobble!"
Posted by The Twins at 10:10 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 25, 2003
Rock on, sistah
Today's entry is a straight cut-and-paste job. Not a link, because we want you to read it. And tempting as it is, we don't plagiarize. Many thanks to Girl-E's mom for the forward.
Holy Matrimony
What's really undermining the sanctity of marriage?
By Dahlia Lithwick
Within nanoseconds of the Massachusetts Supreme Court's declaration that gay marriage is protected by the Constitution came predictions of the end of life as we know it: The president, speaking from London, warned: "Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Today's decision of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court violates this important principle."
"The time is now. If you don't do something about this, then you cannot in 20 years—when you see the American public disintegrating and you see our enemies overtaking us because we have no moral will—you remember that you did nothing," said Sandy Rios, president of the Concerned Women for America, to her 1 million radio listeners. "We must amend the Constitution if we are to stop a tyrannical judiciary from redefining marriage to the point of extinction," Focus on the Family urged in a statement on Tuesday.
Extinction, no less. The institution of marriage—the one that survived Henry VIII, Lorena Bobbitt, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson—is suddenly going to become extinct?
Do you want to know what's destroying the sanctity of marriage? Phone messages like the ones we'd get at my old divorce firm in Reno, Nev., left on Saturday mornings and picked up on Monday: "Beeep. Hi? My name is Misty and I think I maybe got married last night. Could someone call me back and tell me if I could get an annulment? I'm at Circus Circus? Room—honey what room is this—oh yeah. Room 407. Thank you. Beeep."
It just doesn't get much more sacred than that.
Here's my modest request: If you're going to be a crusader for the sanctity of marriage—if you really believe gay marriage will have some vast corrosive, viral impact on marriage as a whole—here's a brief list of other laws and policies far more dangerous to the institution. Go after these first, then pass your constitutional amendment.
1. Divorce
Somewhere between 43 percent and 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. If you believe gay marriage is single-handedly eroding a sacred and ancient institution, you cannot possibly be pro-divorce. That means any legislation passed in recent decades making divorce more readily available—from no-fault statutes to the decline of adultery prosecutions—should also be subject to bans, popular referendum, and constitutional amendment.
2. Circus Circus
In general, if there is blood in your body and you are over 18, you can get married, so long as you're not in love with your cousin. (Although even that's OK in some states). You can be married to someone you met at the breakfast buffet. Knowing her last name is optional. And you can be married by someone who was McOrdained on the Internet. So before you lobby to ban gay marriage, you might want to work to enact laws limiting the sheer frivolousness of straight marriage. You should be lobbying for an increase in minimum-age requirements, for mandatory counseling pre-marriage, and for statutory waiting periods before marriages (and divorces) can be permitted.
3. Birth Control
The dissenters in the Massachusetts decision are of the opinion that the only purpose of marriage is procreation. They urge that a sound reason for discriminating against gay couples is that there is a legitimate state purpose in ensuring, promoting, and supporting an "optimal social structure for the bearing and raising of children." If you're going to take the position that marriage exists solely to encourage begetting, you need to oppose childlessness by choice, birth control, living together, and marriage for the post-menopausal. In fact, if you're really looking for "optimal" social structures for childrearing, you need to legislate against single parents, poor parents, two-career parents, alcoholic or sick parents, and parents who (like myself) are afraid of the Baby Einstein videos.
4. Misc.
Here's what's really undermining the sacredness of modern marriage: soap operas, wedding planning, longer work days, cuter secretaries, fights over money, reality TV, low-rise pants, mothers-in-law, boredom, Victoria's Secret catalogs, going to bed mad, the billable hour, that stubborn 7 pounds, the Wiggles, Internet chat rooms, and selfishness. In fact we should start amending the Constitution to deal with the Wiggles immediately.
Here's why marriage will likely survive last week's crushing decision out of Massachusetts: Because despite all the horrors of Section 4, above, human beings want and deserve a soul mate; someone to grow old with, someone who thinks our dopey entry in the New Yorker cartoon competition is hilarious, and someone to help carry the shopping bags. Gay couples have asked the state to explain why such privileges should be denied them and have yet to receive an answer that is credible.
The decision to make a marriage "sacred" does not belong to the state—if the state were in charge of mandating sacredness in matrimony, we'd have to pave over both Nevada and Jessica Simpson. We make marriage sacred by choosing to treat it that way, one couple at a time. We make marriage a joke by treating it like a two-week jungle safari. There is no evidence that gay couples are any more inclined toward that latter course than supermodels, rock stars, or that poor spineless bald man on Who Wants to Marry My Dad? There's good evidence that most of them will take the commitment very seriously, as do the rest of us. There will be more "sanctity" in marriage when we recognize that people of all orientations can make sacred choices. Good for Massachusetts for recognizing that truth.
Posted by The Twins at 01:06 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 24, 2003
Character Actor of the Week
Despite our gut desire to give the award to Jerry Orbach every week, there are definitely many others who deserve the recognition. This week's award was a no-brainer, in fact, the celebration of the end of an era. By celebration, we honestly can't say whether we mean honor or relief.
Character Actor of the Week for 11/23-11/29: Paul McCrane
Dr. Robert Romano on ER is the horrible, weasly, cocksucker of a one-armed man that makes one positively gleeful to hate. Which is why we're not sure how we feel about the fact that he just got smooshed by a flame-engulfed helicopter that crashed on his head. The best part was that no one in the hospital noticed for the entirety of the show. We don't know who they're going to get as a new asshole, but it is doubtful that anyone could be as staggeringly genius in the task as Paul McCrane.
Kudos, Paul, and we hope to see you on screen again soon. R.I.P., Romano, may you rot in hell, you will be missed.
Posted by The Twins at 10:43 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
November 23, 2003
Those crazy Swedes
This has provided a good portion of the morning's entertainment. Just close the bottom window to try another one.
Go crazy, kids.
Posted by The Twins at 01:34 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 21, 2003
mmm... bacon...
We really wish we had any idea whatsoever how Girl-E got on this mailing list:
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OtherWhiteMeat.com Newsletter - 2004 Consumer Choice Pork Awards
Have you discovered a delicious pre-marinated pork tenderloin, or mouth-watering microwavable pork brat?
It's time to nominate new pork products to compete in the 2004 Consumer's Choice Pork Awards. Don't miss out on this opportunity to tell the world about your favorite!
Just click on the link below to add your favorite pork product to the list of nominees:
http://www.otherwhitemeat.com/ccpa/consumercard.swf
The Consumer's Choice Pork Awards were established to honor innovation in the pork industry and salute manufacturers who strive to offer appealing products that address lifestyle needs of today's busy Americans.
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We like the idea of pork innovations addressing the lifestyle needs of today's busy Americans. "Thanks to this bratwurst, I cut my commuting time in half!"
Posted by The Twins at 03:31 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
...
We are beyond horrified at the recent massacres in Istanbul. It is a magical city, with warm, wonderful people, that we came to love immeasurably during our year there. We have spent so much effort trying to spread the word to friends and acquaintances that Turkey is different, that it is utterly safe, that it is a friend with a truly amazing history. And now these bastards go and turn it inside out.
Saying "boy, we're glad we came home when we did," means absolutely nothing. We have friends in Istanbul, many of them, who are shattered and afraid, when there is no earthly reason they should have to be. Our hearts are with them now.
Posted by The Twins at 12:38 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
November 19, 2003
Outbox
*This was formerly known as the Pop Music Outbox, but we have urgent correspondence that transcends the audience of rock stars.
Dear Dave Matthews,
Congratulations on your first ever solo album! Wow, what a big step forward for your career. We know they were popular, but Dave Matthews Band was obviously holding you back. The equal-opportunity ensemble that was Dave Matthews Band clearly didn't allow you the star status you so richly deserve. Who needs a "band" when they are clearly talented enough to have their own guitarist, bassist, drummer, and various other backup musicians?
Sincerely,
Leto & Roz
Dear Today Show,
We've been truly moved by your segment of the past week, "Who We Admire," about everyday heroes. Moved to insanity, that is, because it should be "WHOM We Admire," WHOM! Dipshits.
~L & R
Dear Department of Defense,
We love "Operation Iron Hammer," really, very catchy. So, be honest, how did you really feel when you found out it was a code name used by the Nazis for an aborted mission to destroy the Russian power grid? Come on, be honest, you thought that was kind of cool, huh.
Heil W,
Leto & Roz
Dear People Magazine,
Maybe the world isn't going to hell in a handbasket. Yesterday, same-sex marriage was made legal in Massachusetts. Today, you announced that Johnny Depp is your Sexiest Man of the Year. We could not concur more. We love Johnny with a love too deep for words. Do you remember that scene in Blow where he's wearing tight white pants sitting on a pile of money? Yeah, we thought you did.
Johnny's #1 fans,
Leto and Roz
Dear Michael Jackson,
Michael, Michael, Michael. Sigh. What are we going to do with you?
~The Twins
Posted by The Twins at 10:39 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
November 18, 2003
Love, actually
Twenty minutes ago, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that denying gay and lesbian couples the right to marry is unconstitutional. The ruling is similar to those in Vermont, Hawaii, and Alaska, which make gay marriage constitutionally legal but haven't ordered marriage licenses to be issued to gay couples who want them. Now it goes to the legislature, who can honor or muddy this decision however they choose.
We don't think we need to detail our feelings on this issue, but in case you hadn't figured it out, we are without exception absolutely in favor of full and complete rights for gay people and gay couples, and feel with every ounce of our being that gay relationships should not be distinguished in any way from straight ones.
We are not, however, going to explain why. If you agree, you know why. If you don't agree, you obviously have fundamentally different values, and will not be convinced by anything we say. Just as anything you'd say wouldn't have even the smallest chance of convincing us to feel otherwise. Which of course is the problem with everything right now.
We really are starting to see it as an unconquerable situation. We are just as set in our beliefs on salient issues as the rightiest of righties. To claim we are more "open-minded" in the strict sense of the term would be lying-- there is no chance in hell of changing our views on gay marriage, the death penalty, choice, etc. We can claim that we have well-thought-out rationales for each belief, and in fact have written more than enough academic papers on them. But were we to have a different worldview, we're sure we could write up equally well-thought-out rationales for the opposing beliefs. Well, except for opposing gay marriage. We're pretty sure only ignorance and misplaced fear are to blame for that one. But anyway, our point is that there are certain issues for which meeting half-way is impossible, and that's why we're all a little screwed right now.
So, semi-bravo to the SJC, which took the moral high-ground without solving a damn thing. But hey, baby steps.
Posted by The Twins at 10:53 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 16, 2003
Character Actor of the Week
We've decided to start a new award here at the Boo-blog, known as Character Actor of the Week. Being absolutely hot for movies and TV as we are, we definitely have reached consensus that these fine folks don't get nearly enough accolades. Or maybe they do, whatever, but it's our way of giving a super high five to the homely and quasi-famous, without whom everyone would be Nicole Kidman. So without further ado...
Character Actor of the week for 11/16-11/22: Jerry Orbach
From Baby's conflicted dad in Dirty Dancing to the jovial wisecracking homicide Detective Briscoe on Law and Order, we just can't say enough about Jerry. I mean do you know any other homicide detectives who, upon seeing someone choked to death with a piece of meat, would say something like "He shoulda considered being a vegetarian."*
For some lovely Jerry-themed artwork, go here. Congratulations, Jerry.
*This is not an actual Briscoe quote, just one we thought of that coulda been. A composite, if you will.
Posted by The Twins at 07:02 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
November 14, 2003
True dichotomy
Enough with the concept of shades of grey. It's Friday, it's cold as hell, er whatever, and we've regressed to the philosophy that everything is either nice or mean.
Nice: A full box of hot chocolate packets (with marshmallows!) in the office during a windstorm
Mean: Decaffeinated tea
Nice: The person who took the time to apologize for a benign but unnecessary comment
Mean: Being the person who is responsible for an entire institution's responses to the U.S. News and World Report Best Graduate Schools survey. And starting it two days before it's due.
Nice: Going to see Sweet Honey in the Rock tonight. Woo!
Mean: Eating too many Cool Ranch Doritos before delicious sushi feast last night. Boo.
Anyway, weak as that all was, you get the idea. It's time to get the hell out of here. That's nice. The frozen wind that will greet us at the door is mean.
Posted by The Twins at 05:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 13, 2003
What about Ann?
Glancing through the search terms that bring folks to this site unwittingly, one solid conclusion can be drawn: there are an awful lot of people out there who are burning up for Katie Couric. We make one reference to her legs a couple'a months ago, and now the site's become a meeting place for the Katie Fetish Club. We do feel bad for the people whose search terms include "pictures +," because sorry, we have posted no smutty photos of Katie naked but for her spike-heeled black leather boots. But we're sure they're out there somewhere, just keep on keepin' on.
And yeah, we realize that from now on we will attract three times as many Couric coveters. Greetings.
Posted by The Twins at 04:59 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
November 12, 2003
A for effort
Objective: Use Veteran's Day holiday to cleanse body of all weekend toxins by eating nourishing whole grains and leafy green vegetables.
Actual: All-you-can-eat Indian lunch buffet, including pudding. Later, beers.
Objective: Use Veteran's Day holiday to make major headway on pressing speechwriting assignment.
Actual: After lunch buffet, used online word generator for roughly 2 1/2 hours to help think of band names. Then went to bar.
Objective: Get to work at 8:00 and get rolling early on that speech.
Actual: Woke up at 8:00 and rolled into work at 9:20.
Objective: After 9 hours of sleep, focus exclusively on speech until it is finished, hopefully before end of workday.
Actual: Three paragraphs written. Blogging by 10:30.
Posted by The Twins at 10:31 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
November 09, 2003
Weekend wrap-up
- Speaking of wrapping up, we'd just like to comment that it is SO FUCKING COLD.
- If you're in the mood to be depressed in a Sean Penn kind of way, go see Mystic River. By the way, it's really hard not to write Mystic Pizza when trying to write Mystic River. Anyway, the crime scene was filmed in our neighborhood, and in fact spitting distance from The Dude's parents' house. And for another piece of trivia, the bar they call McGill's is actually Doyle's, also in our neighborhood, and also the bar that the teachers go to after school on Boston Public to drown the sorrows of their miserable lives. They call it Doyle's on that show, though. Anyway.
- We're slowly and steadily developing a sincere dislike for male singer/songwriters. Them with their guitars and their sincerity and their utterly formulaic chord progressions. The Dude pointed out that these same things could be used to criticize the blues, but come on, that's the blues.
- If totally unhindered by any sense of propriety, how many Jello Fat-Free Chocolate Pudding Cups could a person eat in one sitting?
Posted by The Twins at 03:36 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
November 07, 2003
Witchy women
The Stevie Nickses thank you oh so rockingly for your patience.
Oh, and by the way, Venkman's hot.
Posted by The Twins at 04:49 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
November 06, 2003
Fancy Pants
XXXs, OOOs, and 010101s to Hilatron who used her mad robot skillz to design us a page header worth any damn. We would have loved to commission her for a fun graphic representation of ourselves, but this is a family blog afterall, at least for families who swear a lot.
Posted by The Twins at 06:32 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
November 04, 2003
You go girl
It's cold and disgusting today, so we thought instead of dwelling on that, we'd do a little reminiscing. It's been a long time since we've had a good reminisce.
So as anyone who's read this blog even a few times knows, Girl-E's teaching experience in Istanbul last year was a big fat nightmare sandwich. Turkey is amazing; Turkish children are horrible monsters, especially when there are several in the same room. But the job was not without its few highlights. The following is a letter written by one of Girl-E's third grade students, which the girl had her mom help her with since she probably only knew about six of the words in English:
Dear Dr. Sally Ride,
My name is Ipek. I am 9 years old and I go to third grade. I live in Istanbul, Turkey.
I want to be an astronaust (sic) when I grow up. When I told this in class, the boys laughed and said that women can not be astronauts. But my English teacher Girl-E told that there are many woman astronauts and then brought me information about yourself which she has found from the internet. So, I learned that you are the first woman NASA astronaut and I was proud as a young girl. Having read about your background, now I am much more encouraged to be an astronaut when I grow up.
If you would care to write to me, please find to follow my address, and my mother's email address. I wish you a Happy New Year.
Yours Sincerely,
Ipek D.
So when Ipek handed this letter to Girl-E with the signed picture she had gotten back, Girl-E had a practical fit of tears in the middle of class. She had one of these pretty much daily, but this time it was from a good thing.
Posted by The Twins at 02:00 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
Breakfast Haiku
Egg and cheese sandwich
Every day I long for thee
Oatmeal will not do
This may not be the best haiku ever, but we can't possibly stress enough how much we mean it.
Posted by The Twins at 09:49 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
November 02, 2003
Fingernails for every meal
Hi there. Girl-E is twitching in a moderately psychotic fashion under the weight of a work deadline. We can't concentrate when she's like this, so we just might not post for a few days. We'll see how it goes. Be assured that we're thinking of you, and have your picture on the bedside table. You are really very photogenic, you should have looked into modelling.
Posted by The Twins at 09:22 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack