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November 19, 2003
Outbox
*This was formerly known as the Pop Music Outbox, but we have urgent correspondence that transcends the audience of rock stars.
Dear Dave Matthews,
Congratulations on your first ever solo album! Wow, what a big step forward for your career. We know they were popular, but Dave Matthews Band was obviously holding you back. The equal-opportunity ensemble that was Dave Matthews Band clearly didn't allow you the star status you so richly deserve. Who needs a "band" when they are clearly talented enough to have their own guitarist, bassist, drummer, and various other backup musicians?
Sincerely,
Leto & Roz
Dear Today Show,
We've been truly moved by your segment of the past week, "Who We Admire," about everyday heroes. Moved to insanity, that is, because it should be "WHOM We Admire," WHOM! Dipshits.
~L & R
Dear Department of Defense,
We love "Operation Iron Hammer," really, very catchy. So, be honest, how did you really feel when you found out it was a code name used by the Nazis for an aborted mission to destroy the Russian power grid? Come on, be honest, you thought that was kind of cool, huh.
Heil W,
Leto & Roz
Dear People Magazine,
Maybe the world isn't going to hell in a handbasket. Yesterday, same-sex marriage was made legal in Massachusetts. Today, you announced that Johnny Depp is your Sexiest Man of the Year. We could not concur more. We love Johnny with a love too deep for words. Do you remember that scene in Blow where he's wearing tight white pants sitting on a pile of money? Yeah, we thought you did.
Johnny's #1 fans,
Leto and Roz
Dear Michael Jackson,
Michael, Michael, Michael. Sigh. What are we going to do with you?
~The Twins
Posted by The Twins at November 19, 2003 10:39 AM
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Comments
I heard that the raid on Michael Jackson's compound was called Operation Ball-Peen Hammer. Any truth?
Posted by: cw at November 19, 2003 03:53 PM
Actually, I think it's Operation Bad Mamma Jamma.
Posted by: EV at November 19, 2003 04:00 PM
I wonder....
Michael, Michael, Motorcycle...
Turn the Key...
...
...Molest Little Boys?
That doesn't have the same ring to it.
Posted by: aaron at November 19, 2003 04:02 PM
Dear EV,
Hi.
The end.
Posted by: snowy at November 19, 2003 04:51 PM