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December 16, 2003
Forgive me, friends, acquaintances, and sales clerks, for I have sinned
While harboring her own brand of superiority complex, Girl-E has an over-developed sense of empathy, and therefore penchant for constant guilt. It makes her physically ill to anger, disappoint or inconvenience anyone, and while she's not one of those annoying martyr people who will never choose to do so, it makes her awash with repentance. If she forgets to ask for milk with her coffee, thereby sending a waiter back to the kitchen, she falls over herself apologizing. If she makes plans with a friend and then has to cancel for any reason besides emergency room admittance, she considers naming her first born after them.
This morning, she had to send an email (because she never would have made it through a phone call alive) which is very likely going to seriously disappoint if not outright anger someone. She had committed to starting a new musical project with a girl whom she liked immediately and really clicked with, and they had been talking and meeting and planning excitedly over the past few months. For a variety of reasons we won't get into, she made the decision this weekend not to move forward with it. However, this would not just be like turning down a job offer; backing out of this is likely to essentially end a new friendship. Beyond that, the guilt that she did this sort of out of the blue and this girl will have to start from scratch is ripping at her soul. There are certain instances in which Girl-E is expertly capable of looking out for Number One, but this kind of thing just kills her dead.
She has no idea why she is like this, other than the fact that relationships with people are her lifeblood, and jeopardizing them to any degree sends her spinning with agony. Besides the guilt, another downside of this is that she has a hard time when others aren't equally writhing when they disappoint her. However, she does realize that it's only because they aren't obsessive-compulsive basketcases, and she doesn't even know what it feels like to hold a grudge.
Anyway, over the course of writing this post, she received and email back from said new friend, which was totally supportive and understanding and forgiving, and she can sort of breathe again. But it doesn't mean she won't feel like the world's biggest asshole until at least the next calendar year.
Posted by The Twins at December 16, 2003 11:08 AM
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Comments
Being host to some neurotic issues of my own, I know that saying this will not help a great deal, but: I'm certain that the karmic record shows that you are about as far from being an asshole, a flake, what have you, as one can get in this universe. One of the sure signs of non-assholery is the ability to recognize when you are simply not going to be able to do something, and being honest with yourself and others about that fact.
Posted by: Hilatron at December 16, 2003 01:07 PM
Ego te absolvo. I absolve you. (I have about 30 bottles of holy water that my mother-in-law keeps bringing over to our house...I could sprinkle some in your general direction if that would make it seem more legitimate.)
And to paraphrase what the above person said, I would so much rather someone tell me honestly and ASAP if they won't be able to do something than have them miss deadlines, not hold up their end of the work and/or resent what they're doing. Not that that stops me from feeling exactly the way you do, but it sounds good, don't it?
Posted by: nikita at December 16, 2003 01:45 PM
Thank you all, your support makes me feel much better. Not that I have any lack of self-love, mind you, just also a neurotic supply of other kinds of love.
Posted by: EV at December 16, 2003 01:53 PM