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July 20, 2003

Something special in the air

Well hello there! You're looking well. We've finally come up for breath long enough to pay some overdue attention to you good people. So we're going to scooby back a couple of weeks, since the story below is really just too ready-made for light-hearted blogging and/or a crappy syndicated sit-com.

On July 8, Girl-E and The Dude managed to get their 10 large pieces of luggage to the Istanbul airport without anyone getting hurt. They had to pay for extra baggage, and Girl-E was extra wary because the last time she was at the airport, she came close to physically harming a British Airways agent who charged her $1100 to fly the cats home after she'd been quoted $300. But the nice people at Delta proved to be much more worthy of breathing the air on this earth, as their piece of unexpected news was that they'd oversold coach and we were upgraded to Business. 11-hour flight to New York. Sooo-WEET.

Immediately upon settling in their big comfy chairs, Girl-E and The Dude started downing free champagne and futzing gleefully with the 16 buttons that adjusted their phat seats. They experimented for the very best lighting on their individual movie/video game consoles, and played Lone Ranger with the sleepy eye-covers. They soon noticed that sitting in front of them was a middle-aged couple, the female half of which had absolutely had multiple face-lifts. We feel bad for women who've had face-lifts, because they think it makes them look younger, but all it does is make them look genetically related to every other woman who's had a face-lift. The two were undoubtedly new lovers, as they were noticeably frisky and totally indifferent to any scene they might be making.

About halfway through Dare Devil, right after the salmon-asparagus salad and before the hot fudge sundaes, the champagne, three glasses of wine and two coffees made their merry way home, and Girl-E had to pee like never before. She stepped into the aisle, squinting and cursing at the occupied sign on the door. As she stood there, a little girl came down the aisle and stood right smack in front of her to wait for the bathroom. A little retarded girl. It must be admitted that in her desperate situation, Girl-E was in no state to be deferring her position to even a little retarded girl. The girl did seem to notice after a minute that she had cut the line, and so she looked up at Girl-E and said in her little sweet voice "Can I go first?" It must also be admitted that Girl-E did in fact hesitate for a good eight seconds. When she did finally speak, she only glared and said "I guess."

A few minutes later, the occupied sign turned to vacant, and Girl-E just stared at the little girl as if to say "you better fucking hurry up". When the door opened, face-lift lady came out. Followed by face-lift lady's boyfriend. So there they were, flush-faced, greeted by a welcoming committee of Girl-E, Little Retarded Girl, and a flight attendant who had just come out of the galley into the aisle. As they shuffled quickly past into their seats, the flight attendant, one of those fabulously Boston ladies who'd been proudly serving Delta Airlines for 22 years thank you very much, looked at Girl-E with her mouth as agape as possible, and said loudly, "Oh my gawd, you read about that stuff ya know!"

Girl-E did manage to wait for LRG to finish, and then fell back into her seat next to The Dude, giggling convulsively and trying not to catch the attention of the lovebirds in front of them, although let's face it, they really didn't deserve such discretion. So several hours later, the fabulous flight attendant comes back down the aisle, glancing left and right, shit-eating grin on her face. She leans over to Girl-E and says. "My gawd, was that funny or what?" Girl-E answered "yeah, it's a good story". "Well," said FFA, "I have some more information for you. We just checked the lavatory in the front, and found a black thong. Can you believe it? Some people, I sweah." While she probably should have been wondering how someone could possibly forget to put on their underwear after screwing on an airplane, all Girl-E could think about was how FFA must be chomping at the bit to get back to the staff lounge at JFK and tell every flight attendant in earshot that finally, after 22 years, she caught a couple a' Mile-Highers red-handed, TWICE, she sweahs to GAWD."

Morals of the story:
- Business Class totally rules.
- If you have a disability, you should not expect normal levels of deferrence and compassion to hold when people have to piss.
- You are free to try, but you will get caught.

Posted by The Twins at July 20, 2003 03:15 PM

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