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June 22, 2003
Introducing our Pop Music Outbox
Dear Moby,
We saw your show in Istanbul last Saturday, and we've figured out why you don't drink or do drugs: you listen to Moby music all the time, why would you have to drink and do drugs? You are truly a precious gift to humans, and so is your vocalist Diane Charlamaine, whom we'd like to marry, please. We hope you run on for a long time, ha ha get it?
Your superfans,
Leto and Roz
Dear T.A.T.U.,
We thought you were so cutting edge and cute with your teenage Russian lesbian thing, until we found out that like all the boy bands, your whole mojo was fabricated by a clever but twisted producer in order to sell records and get teenage girls to make out with each other. We have zero problem with teenage girls making out, but to be suckered into it by The Man is just not ok, the voyeuristic bastard. I mean, he might as well have gone whole-hog and made one of you Asian. And your MTV Movie Awards number was so unimaginative -- dozens of Catholic schoolgirls running through the aisles tearing their shirts off and kissing each other? I mean, you could at least have had them pull Demi Moore out of the audience and start kissing her, that would have made much better television.
No xoxo for you, fake lesbians,
L & R
Dear Sting and Craig David,
Wow, you sure have scored Billboard chart gold with your duet "Rise and Fall." Like seriously, it bridges all gaps; young-old, black-white, American-European -- ok, so you're both British, but the average fan probably doesn't know that about Craig David, so it's all good. Anyway, we're just imagining how the song materialized:
Sting: Hello?
C.D.: Hey yo Sting, it's me Craig, Craig David.
Sting: Ah yes, C-Dog, how is it hanging?
C.D.: Well see Sting, I've been a little down lately, I just can't really 'splain it. I mean all the honeys and the bling-blings are super and all, but I just feel like, I dunno, I'm not the dude I used to be, you know?
Sting: Ah, Craig, I do hear you, I've been around the block you know. I was having the same conversation with Nelly just the other day, actually.
C.D.: Really? You got some good words for me, dog?
Sting: How 'bout we meet at Starbucks* in Picadilly in 25, just after I finish this impromtu unplugged jam session in my apartment with Tom Petty and R. Kelly.
C.D.: Hey man, that'd be dope. I'll grab our usual table. Peaceout.
Feel free to use the above as a prologue to the next re-mix,
Leto & Roz
*If you haven't seen the video, they are actually like in a freaking Starbucks, we're not even shitting you.
Dear Eurovision,
It's very cool and historical and all that for you, Europe's biggest annual pop music competition, to choose a Turkish artist as your 2003 champion, seeing as Turkey is trying to establish itself as a modern, Westernized nation. We also think it's nice that you gave Kylie Minogue (representing the U.K. for some unknown reason) zero points for sucking the big one.
However, we must protest the decision on the basis that the winning song is the catchiest damn song in the history of earth, and as it has invaded the country, neck-in-neck with the national anthem for play time (and that's saying A LOT in Turkey), it has also invaded our psyche, distracting us from all productive thought or activity. If we would not be stoned to death by the hoards of Sertab's adoring fans, we might bring legal action.
Sincerely,
Leto and Roz
Dear Terence Trent D'Arby,
You are so pretty. We're glad you have a new album, especially now when no one will mix you up with Milli Vanilli. We also like that in your duet with Des'ree, you sing the high parts.
Hugs,
L & R
Dear Joy TV,
The fact that we can watch you for an hour and see no fewer than three George Michael videos is truly lovely. We will miss you in the U.S., especially since The Dude won't let us get cable.
The Berlin videos also rock,
Leto & Roz
Dear Madonna,
DON'T RAP!! Just DON'T!
-L & R
Addendum: Ok, we just saw the "Rise and Fall" video again, and they are in fact in a bar. But the only things that distinguish it from a Starbucks are the presence of a pool table and the fact that Sting is the only white person.
Posted by The Twins at June 22, 2003 06:11 AM
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