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May 26, 2003
Futbol Fun!
Good morning children! Today we're going to talk about going to soccer games in Istanbul. Do you like soccer? We thought you did! But watching soccer isn't just for any weak little pansy like Mehmet down the street, it's for strong people who know what they're about. So, next time your daddy takes you to the local futbol match, try to remember the following lesson and you'll have a really swell time!
1) Failure to wear officially licensed apparel of your favorite team is a very big no-no. Just the approximate colors won't do at all. If you don't have your team's hat and/or jersey, don't worry, Daddy will not mind spending a little bit of the rent money on something so important.
2) Don't interrupt Daddy when he is screaming instructions and insults at the players; if you accidentally startle him, that vein in his neck might clot and/or burst. And even if you can't tell from way up in the stands, the players in the field are in fact hearing, processing, and acting on each and every word he says. Don't hesitate to offer some of your own advice, you play soccer in the alley with your friends, your opinion counts too.
3) Watch how Daddy and his friends give the referee two middle fingers, not just one.
4) As soon as you get to the stadium, be sure to purchase at least six bottles of water. You may get very thirsty from screaming, and you need at least three bottles to hurl onto the field when the players have an argument. And if you hit the opposing goalie on the head and make him fall flat on the grass, everyone will laugh, and Daddy will be so very proud of you!
5) If the opposing team comes from a region with known terrorist activity, remember that the players themselves are terrorists. It is the duty of all fans in attendance to remind them of this frequently, so they know they can't get away with any funny business.
6) Don't be afraid of the police in riot gear. The crowd is very big, and they'll never know it's you who splattered an egg on their bullet-proof shields.
7) If you can't decide which team should be your favorite, just ask Daddy, your grandfather, your big brother, and all your uncles, and there you'll have it. But don't ask Mommy's brother Kemal, he's a good-for-nothing and a Besiktas fan.
8) It is extremely important to ask every adult with whom you come in contact which team they support. Their answer is the only indicator you will have as to how seriously you should take their authority. For example, if your English teacher says it doesn't really matter to her which six teams make it into the European cup and she's more interested in baseball, whatever the hell that is, you have no obligation to follow any direction she might ever give you for the duration of your contact with her.
So that's it, kids, have fun and practice that guttural shrieking!
Posted by The Twins at May 26, 2003 11:28 AM
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